I almost died yesterday

Yes, you read that correctly. I'm still in shock over it myself, and how easily my unpleasant experience could have been prevented if I had understood what was going on. So what happened?
I wish I could have said it was something awesome, like getting sucked into another world where I was some kind of hero, and playing Narnia and nearly getting killed in the process, or fighting off a demonic horde. We all want our deaths, and near-deaths to be something we can be somewhat happy with in the end. (or at least I do)

So what DID happen? The answer is simple: dehydration. I hadn't recovered from all the hard work I did moving furniture, or the stress of moving, and then it got hot. For some reason I didn't realize how thirsty I was, even when I had something to drink. I'd been feeling tired, figured it had to do with the birth control meds I was taking, dosed myself up on caffeine, went on a modeling gig, the photographer bought me a frappe, and six hours later when I get home, and go to the store with Tony (Erelin) I have sudden numbness/tingling and leg pain, I sit down trying to handle it, and suddenly my vision went fuzzy like a bad tv. Tony managed to get me half-way out of the store before I went completely blind. It was total darkness. I managed to keep myself from passing out, helped by Tony repeatedly telling me to stay with him. We got outside, and within a couple of minutes, my vision started returning. Everything was black, but I was suddenly able to vaguely discern shapes in the darkness. Eventually it all came back, and everything was ok.

During the experience, I genuinely thought I might be dying. My hearing was going in and out, my sense of touch, including ability to feel temperature was gone, and I'd gone completely blind. I wasn't sure why I might be dying (my guess was blood clot from the birth control at the time) but I prayed to the gods, and I kept thinking to myself "Is this really it? I've barely made it anywhere, I never got very far, fuck this is a shitty way to go."

Once I recovered, and went over all of this, I had a realization. I could have died. I didn't, thank the gods, (and Tony, and the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule) but I could have. I've been putting off my magical practices and putting them off "oh, I'll just take a break, and jump into it when we get into the new place" or "hmm the house is a mess, I should really clean it, and find time to do my meditations later." It just gets so damn easy to put things off and put things off.

If I want to get ANYTHING done, I need a strict regimen. I need to put myself on a sleep schedule, I need to eat (and drink) at certain times, I need to set specific times for magical work, and stick to them. My mentality has been "I've got plenty of time, I'll get to it later" Fuck that shit, what time? I almost DIED. I don't know how much time I have. People have told me in the past "you know, you could die tomorrow" and I agreed, but I didn't ever actually grock it. I never actually consciously understood what that meant. I just smiled, nodded, and went on with my day. I have disrespected myself, and disrespected those who have tried to teach me; human and divine. For that I am ashamed.

It's pathetic that I had to almost die to actually see what I've done.