Memories of Reality

I've had an issue over the years. (no, not ONLY one, but whatever)

As a mage, you might think that I'd be used to all of this magic stuff. It's part of my life after all, how does it not become mundane? How does it retain its wonder? Just because something is magic doesn't mean that moments using it are "magical" in the sense of feeling the power rolling off of you, or uplifting energy. There isn't always the sense that it's "real" despite my experiences.

This has been getting better over the years. My doubt has faded as I grow into myself.  Still it lingers sometimes though. Usually when someone asks me to do something magical for them. "Take a look at my aura!" "Here, look at this magical tool and tell me what it "feels" like to you" The demon of doubt, uncertainty, and fear of rejection raises its head. Sometimes my mind seems to fuzz over, and its as if I'm an absolute beginner again, stumbling over my own feet.  Other times it just comes without trouble, and I just "know" the right answers, sometimes I even see it.

Interestingly, this almost never seems to pop up when I'm healing someone. Maybe this is because I've been doing some form of healing work on people since I was a preteen. Same thing with card readings to some extent. I still stumble over some of my Tarot meanings and have to look up bits... but I used to have these Oracle Cards that I was fantastic with.

Not long ago I was with Og, and we were doing a reading surrounding a potential business venture and an individual involved with it. When we hit the latter point of the reading, I suddenly "forgot" the significance of the placement of a card related to the individual. Now, I'd had some suspicion that this person may have been a fellow mage. After some outside confirmation, I've basically confirmed it- in doing a reading about this person, I "immediately" forgot what the card was supposed to represent in its placement, and why it was significant. I was able to force my way through by backtracking and figuring out "what" I would have been asking about, but despite this, I was unable to regain the actual memory that had been blanked out originally.

The implication, is that I tripped a ward/shield of this person, designed so that they couldn't be scryed on. Og had felt something "strange" at the same time, and with some asking around, I've confirmed that this does happen. I still feel kind of weird about this- it's one of those moments where you're forced to see the implications of how your magic can touch others, and not just yourself. While I was just looking at business dynamics and had no ill intentions, now I feel like I've intruded.

Og did some work to clear the air a bit, and then pulled the "hey, can you see what I'm doing/did?" card with the magical work he was doing.  I could. I couldn't "see" it physically, but it was as if I could see it behind my eyelids. What I was seeing was clear and beautiful; Imagery wrapped with tangible meaning and intent. 

I told him what he'd done. He just grinned, and asked me if I still had any doubts after that, and pointed out that I had explained everything, without any hints or prompting from him on what it was that he'd done. He was right, and it's moments like that, that I try to reinforce. I don't want magic to become this ....thing lacking wonder, but I do want to reinforce experiences like this to put to rest the gnawing doubts that sometimes come to the surface. Having experiences I can call upon to solidify the positive reinforcement of the reality of what I do in my life, the energies I live with, and dance with... it's important to my journey of knowing and growing into myself.

Maybe someday, the doubt will be gone completely. But I wonder to is maybe doubt is just in the nature of humanity.