Dealing with Troubles

When following your own magical path, there are plenty of times when you look at yourself and say "What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Should I incorporate certain rituals or ideas into my practice?"

After a lot of changes in my life happened all at once, I've begun seriously looking at what I do, and why I do it. I've been considering it may be time to work with more of the Egyptian Pantheon, and to also re-kindle my relationship with Sekhmet. I know I could use her lessons again, especially as I build myself up from the ground up again. Anubis has been an ever- present influence in my life since things took a nose dive a few months ago. I feel like this has certainly helped hold me together, and assisted in guiding me through the darkness that appeared in my life. There are times I am uncertain whether I am speaking with this entity, or whether I'm simply mad. What I do know is that when I speak with him, sometimes it feels like he answers.

 His answers are not spoken words, but images, ideas, impressions that suddenly appear nebulous in my mind, that have to be translated layer by layer into something that can be understood by words. Sometimes the answers are hard, sometimes they are painful, sometimes they're encouraging... but they always seem to end up representing the stark reality of existence, whether good or bad. If I am beating myself up over something foolish, I'm essentially told so. If I'm missing important details and acting like a dog chasing its tail... its the same. I am never given the answers to these situations, but always encouraged to seek them out. It sort of feels like that moment when you're doing a reading, flip a card over, and a lightbulb comes on, and suddenly more of the world makes sense. Perhaps if I'm mad, I don't want to be sane... but back to what this entry was originally going to be about.

A lot of people in my life seem to have some element of working with Ancestors in their practice. I find myself drawn to the idea, but unable to approach it. I come from a a family who I have cut my ties to, a family that was deaf to my suffering, my abuse at the hands of my parents, and the abuse of my nephew by his father.

It was a family that never seemed to care about anything but pretending to be a family, getting together to drink expensive wine and cocktails (or at least I assume it was expensive) and feast on Thanksgiving turkey and cured hams. Atrocities against the children or the women in my family were ignored, and everyone seemed to believe that they actually deserved the violation of mind and body that was received.  My childhood was anything but happy, even if I did usually have enough food to eat, and a roof over my head. I never heard stories about those who had passed on in the family, and it seemed that talking about the family tree was mostly taboo. (I have my suspicions as to why, but what mixed blood runs where in my family I'm not sure about) Considering I have cut my ties to those who are still living...mainly for my own safety (and what little sanity I have left) I wonder if approaching my ancestors is even safe. I wonder if they were even good people, if I would get a response, and if it would be one that I actually desired.

I find myself drawn to the idea regardless, out of a sort of romanticism. The idea of being able to have "family" where I feel myself to have none (other than chosen family) and there is certainly a hole in my heart from cutting people out of my life who have done almost nothing but harm me. Maybe it's some kind of Stockholm syndrome shit or something. It seems silly, but more than half of my life was spent with these people, and that's a hard thing to shake. Two years of giving them the middle finger by ripping up checks sent in the mail to try to win me over, moving and changing my name won't change that. The hole is still there, and I wonder if this is how to close it, to close the old chapters of my life and to move forward.... but I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what ancestor spirits are like. I don't even know if this would help with what I want it to help. I'm not going to assume the new age idea of these people who have passed on somehow being completely accepting and beings of light. I know better than to make assumptions when it comes to magic, and I think before I can take the idea beyond an idea I need to find out if it's even remotely a good idea.

I'm not sure what to do here, and I welcome the input of anyone who has experience in this area.