What is Growth?

What is Growth?

I was asked this question recently, and didn't have an answer. When the gods ask you a question, you should listen. In my experience it means they're giving you something to meditate on... and so I did.

What is Growth?

Growth in some ways is an expansion. When the seed of a tree is planted, it tries to grow. It breaks out of its shell, and reaches heavenward. It branches out, and it spreads itself in all directions. It spreads its roots through the soil, and grows strong, and stable. Sometimes it becomes so large, and so strong, that it blots out the very sun, granting shade to other life that lives below it. Some things will die in that shade, and others will flourish. Grass may die from lack of light, but in the soil, mycellium networks will grow and flourish, and spread the tree's influence well beyond its roots.

But we are not trees, so what is growth in a person? At first I thought about how I want to grow as an artist, but that is only on aspect of myself as a person. What is the essence of growth that extends into the nature of individual humanity?

To grow, is to expand oneself outward. I don't mean the physical self (though I wonder if perhaps some people subconsciously take that route to gain a greater feeling of control and dominance by taking up more space. I have known people like that before..) but I mean the "Self" in a deeper sense.

It's difficult for me to put into words. Projecting your awareness is one part of this, but projecting your dominance is another. I don't mean false dominance, which is characterized by pointless aggression either. I mean the control that you exert over your own life, and the control over your life that you allow others to have. When you know you have dominance, you can display this to others, without the posing and posturing.

Dominance behavior in dogs is a good illustration of what I mean by this. It's always the lower ranked that try to
dominate others by mounting them. While perhaps not a perfect analogy, this also represents dominance and "rank" in humans as well.

You might wonder how we wandered into concepts of dominance and control, from the idea of a tree reaching to the sky with its branches... It's definitely relevant, but I'll try to bring this back on track.

To grow is to have influence over your surroundings. Before you can have conscious influence, you have to become aware of of yourself, and the space you find yourself in. This is easier for a tree. A tree stays rooted in one spot. It knows itself, because it stays in one place and is able to observe its surroundings. It knows the caterpillar is munching on its leaves. It knows that its roots just grew enough to hit another pocket of mycellium in the soil. It knows the squirrel is running through its branches. It knows when something blocks the sun from its branches, and endeavors to spread its branches around it. The tree is ever in a state of growth, but its growth is a constant discovery of the world around it.

It is harder for a person to know themselves, because we are always changing our place in our environments. This is likely why most meditation seems to involve the act of sitting, or becoming a tree, or a rock...something that roots into the earth. Stillness is needed for the initial knowing of the self. But once we know ourselves, we know also what is NOT ourselves. We are able to stand indifferent to the pointless criticisms of others, and on the other hand, able to gracefully accept when others are right that we were wrong about something.

This means that to know yourself, is to have power over yourself, and to only allow others to have the power over you that you allow them to have. This I think is a key hidden in plain sight. We have to be ourselves before anything else.

So what is growth?... I'm not certain I know the whole answer yet, but what I do know is that I have to truly know myself before I can find out. Perhaps that was the answer Upwawet actually wanted me to find.

On the nature of Sekhmet, and the nature of the altar.

The other day, I re-arranged my altar space to give Anubis/Upwawet, and Sekhmet their own separate altar spaces. While I have already dedicated the altar for Anubis and Upwawet, Sekhmet's is still a work in progress. I just bought a red theatre curtain for an altar cloth for her. It's washed, dried, and ready to be hung... but I'm lacking a curtain rod to hang it from. It's long enough that once it's hung on the wall, it'll drape beautifully over her altar table. For now, it's folded neatly on her table. I found the curtains by chance, soon after I decided I was going to give Sekhmet her own altar. Now I'm putting it out into the universe to find a curtain rod that will work well with it.

I'm taking my time setting things up for her, because I know that in this case the universe is moving to help me find what is perfect. Sekhmet and I have talked briefly. She's aware of what I'm doing and seems to have no complaints about it. Just the fact that I'm giving her a separate altar is a sacrifice in and of itself. I'm sacrificing personal space, time, effort, and money to do this for her. She has also been promised burnt offerings of saffron when I officially dedicate the space to her. She likes saffron. I don't think I've heard of anyone else giving her offerings of saffron, but I imagine a lot of spirits would appreciate it. Saffron isn't cheap, and since ancient times has been considered of great value, and a sign of wealth. Buying it just to burn it, instead of cook with it, is considered a great sacrifice. It's also red, which is a color Sekhmet favors, as well as carries a pleasant aroma.

As I start trying to get her altar together, I've also started looking around at different statues for her. Looking at what sort of statues people are making and selling of Sekhmet has also led to many moments of anger. One design in particular stood out to me. I was looking for ideas for sconces to hang in her corner of the room. I was hoping to find maybe a statue of a lioness' head with the opening for a candle or something similar. Sekhmet is the "Lady of the Flame" so of course I want to have something for her like a sconce or a candle holder, or something. I found a pair of candle holders, except there was one serious flaw: Sekhmet was kneeling.

Now, I don't know how many of you know Sekhmet, but the idea of Sekhmet kneeling to anyone, or anything, is laughable. Sekhmet is proud, Sekhmet is strong, her very name is derived from the ancient Egyptian word for "power".... Power does not kneel. "The Lion of war", does not kneel. The very fact that this candle holder exists feels like an act of blasphemy. Sekhmet is an active force and manifestation of divine might, and judgment. Kneeling is an act that is submissive and passive. If anyone has a statue of Sekhmet kneeling on their altar, they clearly have no knowledge of this deity or what she represents, and have no business working with her. That kind of thing is likely to either get you ignored by her, or have her give you a harsh education on who and what she actually is. Sekhmet does not submit. The very idea that she does, is counter to her very nature.

The reason this is so upsetting isn't just the fact that someone who didn't know what they were doing (or they did, and did it as an insult) designed this piece of statuary for the mainstream pagan market... It's the fact that I know that there are other pagans out there who would buy it anyway, because they don't understand the purpose of an altar.

An altar is a space dedicated to a certain idea, designed to bring that idea into manifestation. That idea can be anything from a god, a magical working that you're doing, or a shrine to your ancestors. When you're designing an altar, it's important that the aspects of the design are in line with the nature of what you're trying to accomplish.

I know a fellow who was taking a class on Wicca. They decided they were going to make an altar to Mars as a homework assignment. Many of them put all sorts of things on their altars. Many of them were cluttered and disorganized. The fellow had a bit more experience working with that particular entity. His altar was simple and direct, much like the god he was building the altar to. Of everyone there, he was the only one who didn't suddenly have all sorts of conflict pop up in his life. The school was completely disbanded within several months. - Mars tested those who acted like they knew him, and created altars to him with no direction. Sekhmet is similar in that she will also test you if you do something stupid like that.

It's important to not rush setting up an altar. Find the right pieces, not just the pieces that "might" work. There's a reason I'm using blood red theater curtains, instead of matching the dark blue velvet I have on Anubis/Upwawet's altar. When you create an altar to a god, or spirit, you're creating a space that resonates with that god/spirit's nature. That place is the home that you have created for that god or spirit to dwell in, and manifest themselves from.

This is actually something covered a lot more in magical traditions involving evocation, like Goetia. When evoking a spirit, you make the place they are being summoned to, more in line with their nature. This is done by utilizing different colors, numbers, incenses, elements, sounds, their images.. and so forth. Going that extra distance means that the spirit in question will be able to manifest more easily in a place that isn't counter to their nature. Having an active altar is like having an ongoing evocation. The altar isn't for YOU, it's for the gods and spirits that you're working with.

Please note that some traditions and some gods don't mind a cluttered altar. Some prefer it, and the who/why really matters to determine this sort of thing... However if you're creating a space for your deities, don't put it together hastily. Time and effort, dedication, is your sacrifice. Your gods will thank you for it.

Anubis Pendant

Some of you might remember that a while ago I was working on getting things like my Anubis pendants into production...

The design has gone through some modifications, but I'm finally getting moving on this.

Here's the first physical prototype in Stainless steel:



My plan from here, is to polish out all the rough spots, make a silicone mold, and use metal clay to produce casts, and bake them in a kiln I've been given access to.

In the meantime, you can buy your own steel copy at: https://www.shapeways.com/product/J4EME3AJ8/anubis-pendant-single-sided

I suggest waiting another month or two for me to produce the bronze and silver ones. Shapeways is great for prototyping, but I can control the quality of the product you get if I'm casting them myself.

After Anubis, Sekhmet is next.

But yes, this is finally, finally happening.

Making Wands

One of the things that has changed since I updated regularly here, is that I'm apparently a wand maker now.

About a year ago, a friend of mine suggested that I try getting into the wand market for Harry Potter fans... So I did. I have my suspicions that some of them might be for more than costuming, but that's their business, not mine, unless they choose to share.

I'm not sure how familiar everyone is with the Harry Potter universe, but they have something called a "Patronus" which is sort of like a protective animal totem. A lot of the wands I've seen have been simple, and clearly turned on a lathe. Most of the commercial wands would only take a few minutes to make, using those methods.

I wanted to do something different that I thought people would appreciate...So I started offering wands with animal carvings on them, the handles carved into animals, or other unique combinations of features.

Most of my work so far have been commissions. Now I'm trying to move towards making wands and then finding a buyer later. It's tricky, and a little nervewracking, because I don't know when, or if those things are going to sell. Trying to make a "living" as someone who makes magical tools, (or costume tools, depending on who buys) is never easy. But I'm doing my best to move forward, and just keep making things.

For having started about a year ago, I think I've come a long way. I went from just carving wood, to noticing the characteristics of the wood, and how I can use them to make a more visually appealing piece. It's obvious that different types of wood can be drastically different than each other, but until today, I'd never seriously thought about things like utilizing the differences in heartwood and sapwood.

To see what I mean, I've included a video of the current wand I'm working on.



What other projects have I been up to? I'll tell you later. :) I should have some more updates soon.

Life doesn't come with trigger warnings

I left you hanging around this time last year in 2015. Since then, I've had to uproot my entire life multiple times, and have even moved across the country. My perception on life has been turned upside down multiple times, and I have both lost old friends, and gained new ones.

I'm not sure what to say. It feels like I want to say so much, like I have all of this pent up emotion and experiences that I want to cry out and share... but I can't just let out a primal scream, and flood your minds with the images, and the emotions of the things that have happened in the past few years. It doesn't work that way. I wish it did.

I'm a different person than when I last wrote here. It could be argued that every experience changes us... but this has been like a trial by fire. I've been burned more times than I can count, but I have always come out of it somehow. I can't explain the whys, or the hows, but it feels like my past is someone else's life. It feels distant, disconnected.

I find it hard to connect to the things and people that I used to connect to. Magic is still a part of my life, it's still important to me. It's a part of the fabric of reality, how could it not be important? Anubis and Sekhmet still walk with me, though their voices are more like whispers through static, than the rich clear tones I once heard. Fear blocks their voices. I have become like a cornered animal, always wondering when and where the next ambush will be set. I try to break free of this mindset, but I have yet to find how. Some days are worse than others. Some days I wonder if maybe I'm just insane. Other days I wonder if maybe it's the world that has changed, and not myself. I'm living in a constant state of inner conflict.

Maybe this is just how life is, and I didn't notice until recently? There was a time I was so bold, so fearless, and looking back, I know I'm not that person anymore. Can I be strong again? I don't know. I've seen so much darkness, so much suffering, pain, and corruption. It feels like in the past, I was strong for other people. I protected my friends.... but myself? Not so much. I thought I felt "old" then. I had no idea what the word meant. I still probably don't. By most people's standards I'm still young.

I don't model anymore. I had too many close calls, and touchy photographers trying to feel me up. In places that I should have been safe, I wasn't. Even within the arts, there is no much corruption now. I can't model for schools, without wondering if the coordinator who hired me, is also a human trafficker on the side, who wants to try to sell me to Middle Eastern Royalty. - This actually almost happened. I'm getting chills just writing about it. My heartbeat is erratic. I need to breathe, but breathing feels so hard sometimes. If the person who hired me had thought they could get away with it, I would have been in a bag. I have no question about that.

This is the world we live in. It came as no surprise to me whatsoever when the news broke that Hollywood might have a rape and pedophile problem. Last time I tried to join a modeling agency, the coordinator wanted to "spend time with me alone, and enjoy some drinks"... yeah I know what that's code for.

So now I find myself having been so exposed to the darkness, that I'm having trouble finding light. It's like a campfire at the edge of reality that I'm desperately searching for. I keep looking for that flickering light, so I can reach for it, maybe sit for a moment and feel that warmth of hope again... but all around me people are caught up in their own pettyness, marionettes of the cackling shadows that move them to fear, and hate, when they should be asking questions and seeking knowledge. It's NEVER as simple as the narrative that you're being spoon-fed... and holding fast to lies when you should be seeking Truth, is the surest way to ruin.... and it's this knowledge too, which is a source of my sadness and ire. Gone are the days when people looked into the gray places to seek and find what was hidden... now they expect it to be handed to them, and have the folly to trust those who are more interested in money, and ratings, with having given them the truth!...And of course I'm referring to the media, the government, and any figures of authority that you allow to have power over your own thoughts. Watch how quickly things that were stated as truth one day, are refuted the next! ...and the masses smile and nod, and forget that their overlords ever were mistaken.

Perhaps I sound crazy here... but I'm starting to not care. I've watched so many people I thought were intelligent fall to the dogwhistle of hatred. Convinced now that there are enemies all around them, they push their agendas regardless of others that might be forsaken by them. Has it always been this way, but I was too blind to see it? Too naive? Why is it so hard now to find, and grasp the light that I feel I once carried within me?

Despite this dilemma, despite this cognitive dissonance I face within myself, and within the world, I continue to walk forward, and make sense of the world that I've found myself in. I feel like a stranger in a strange land, where no one is strong enough to ask the hard questions, or to face themselves in the light of their own shadow. It's a dark light, but it's real. Some days I wonder if everything else isn't. When things are too bright, it's impossible to see anything as it is. So in what dwells the Truth and in what dwells the Lie?

At what point do we become an adult, and leave behind the child?