This time tomorrow, I'll be leaving Phoenix and on a plane somewhere in transit to Elmira NY. I don't know when I'll be back to the west coast. It could be a couple of months, it could be a year. How did it happen? Phoenix happened.
Promises made and broken by smooth talking serpents happened. On one hand, I feel like I should never have come here, but at the same time I've learned a great deal about myself, and how far my intuition goes with keeping me safe from human predators. Am I safe? Yes. Did I have to make sacrifices to be safe? Yes. But I discovered a whole other world that will add layers to my ability to keep me safe. I viewed the dark underbelly, I stared into the abyss and I came out changed, but whole and unbroken.Phoenix is not a safe place for modeling work, of any kind, let alone the kind that I primarily do. Lesson learned. While I did meet a couple of decent people, the majority of people were out to hurt me, to use me, because to them I wasn't a person. There was no remorse, just like when I dealt with that sociopath up near Tacoma last August...and while I have grown wiser and stronger since that encounter, and was able to protect myself, I saw the dark collective underbelly that exists here.
There's some indication that I may have narrowly avoided becoming a human trafficking statistic. I'm starting to see why people seem to think that what I do for a living is so dangerous- because out here it is.
Not everywhere is the shining bastion of human rights and gender equality that exists in the Pacific Northwest. I knew that the modeling industry in California was morally corrupt, but I didn't know that it extended into Arizona- Phoenix is viewed as an extension of LA when it comes to the modeling industry (and porn industry) out here. It should also be no surprise that California has one of the highest human trafficking rates in the country. Considering that, and Arizona's serious lack of protection from it, I expected Phoenix to have some creepy people, some unsavory types, everywhere does....but it goes deeper.
For such a supposedly religious, and "god fearing" state, Arizona is nothing but deals with the devil all the way down, and he comes well-dressed, whispering sweet dreams in your ear, promising you the world, and all the money you could ever want. I've seen the face of evil, and every time it wears a smile.
I was warned months ago, that I needed to up my efforts to move out of modeling work as my sole means of supporting myself, that I needed to start working on my arts, and working with Sekhmet to protect myself, to balance myself, and I did. But it wasn't enough. I lacked the direction and motivation to seriously move forward. Here, I spent a month and a half dodging shady modeling "agencies" who never gave me a name, hours every day trying to separate the real people from the ones who just wanted to hurt me.
Prospecting for work has always been difficult, but this took everything to a whole new level. I realized that even the people who were willing to meet me in person at the Denny's or Starbucks before setting up any work, were still a serious risk to my safety. The utterly terrifying reality is that sociopaths will meet you for coffee. They will buy your lunch, they may seem like completely normal people until you get into a closed room with them. They will feel no regret or remorse for harming you, or trying to, because they have it in their heads that somehow you aren't a person, or that you "owe" them, so they can do what they want with you. They may try to be your "friend" and push you slowly farther and farther out of your comfort zone. You give them even a little bit of slack, and they'll take the reigns and the whole horse. The thing is, to them its you who have the problem, you and everyone else in the world who won't let them have what they want.
Sometimes the warnings in my mind would be loud. Sometimes it was almost like watching a scary movie, where you know the monster is behind the door, and you yell "No! Don't go in there!" except it was always up to me whether I opened that door, the monster was beckoning me with a wad of money, and I could hear the voices warning me, all at the same time. There were a couple of times I knew I could handle things if they went sour, but always the question on my mind was "is the money really worth more than my safety?" and the answer was always no, and I was forced to change my approach. I began working more with local painting groups, and though the pay was much lower, that's when I finally started to meet good people.
I started focusing more on my art, and I was now motivated to start pursuing jewelry design again. I spent hours with sculpting programs on my laptop, and I was determined to dedicate my first couple pieces to the gods who have stood by my side, and protected me with their guidance...and with my newfound motivation, and my success in creating viable prototypes, I've decided to move to the East Coast to be with Ogy, and will be focusing on minimizing my need to support myself with modeling.
What you see here, is a sample of what I've been working on the past couple of weeks. Both of these designs will be for sale, in copper, bronze, and silver. This is a simulation of what these pieces will look like in these various metals. I'm still in the process of procuring the materials I need to actually make these in a physical medium, but barring any serious issues with production, this will be a reality within the next month or two at most:
I have many more designs I've been working on, and once I have the materials needed (and the demand) I will also be willing to use 22k gold in production as well. I will be beginning with bronze, and will eventually expand into copper and sterling silver.
It was a need for direction, to grow up and learn to support myself that drove me into modeling work in the first place, and now that I found a need to grow and find direction again, I feel that I'm on the cusp of a life changing choice again. I don't know if this is just related to my decision to try to pursue jewelry design as a career, or if its related to the fact that I'm traveling to the east coast to do it, and don't know when I'll return to the west coast again, let alone Washington....
What I do know is that I have gone through an incredible transformation in this past six months, and that since Ogy became a part of my life, any feeling of being alone has vanished. Distance hasn't hurt our relationship, if anything its shown me how strong my emotions truly are for this person who crashed into my life and helped me to transform it, and myself into something better, and opened my eyes to the depths of emotion that are possible.
I once thought that relying on others was a weakness. I thought it was just a good way for me to get hurt...but I didn't know what was out there. It is possible to grow, to flourish, to find someone to share your soul with who will support you and help you find your inner strength. So I'll leave you with this song that I found the other day, that I feel reflects that love, strength, and trust that I am releasing myself to. Because I know that I am safe, I am strong, and I can do anything that I put my mind to. Tomorrow night the ordeal will be over, and once again, I'll be able to breathe.
