The Desperate Cry of Humanity

It's been a while hasn't it?

It's been busy here in my little universe. One thing after another, one step at a time, one step forward one step back... all leading to the realizations that I've had in the past few months. Sometimes you think you've seen the abyss, and then you realize that you've only scraped the surface of that inky blackness that lies below, all the while you're falling, silently screaming, because the world doesn't hear your voice. It doesn't acknowledge it. Your screams fall on closed ears, on closed hearts.

 This is the desperate cry of humanity, this is the universe that we both love, and hate. It's the way of things that must change. We ignore the suffering of humanity. We see that trembling, dirty hand, reaching out of the shadows, the haunted eyes that have seen too much, and that yet, are daring to hope... and the world turns its back, and averts its gaze, continuing on, leaving the desperate behind, dehumanizing those who can't be a good cog in the machine.

You may think you know. You may think you understand. But almost without exception, you do not. You will look for signs, for signals, ask for proof, and justify your hatred, or aversion of what you fear. This is human nature. Us or them, male or female, good or evil. We explore the universe in concepts of duality.

Life is for the strong, life is for those who deserve it, and those who deserve it is those who can prove their worth to those around them- that is the message that is sent from on high. (on high being of course the top offices of multi-national corporations that control the world economy)

And that, is the problem- our very society is structured around the idea that we have to be worth something "to others" and while this in itself isn't a bad thing (what's wrong with being helpful to each other?) it points out the issue that self-worth is almost an impossible feeling to attain without the praise of others. In a society that is based on judgement of a person's worth to "them" this creates a problem.

The problem is something that I've at least touched on in the past, that I have realized through my own explorations of my psyche: Humans (at least in this country) are so focused on separating the "human" from the "animal" that the concept that we ARE very much animals, and that this affects our society and psychology very strongly... is completely missed, or often misused by those in power who use this to their advantages.

We think we're so advanced, but we're children playing in a sandbox, playing at being adults. We're playing house, and missing the greater world around us, and even the small things in front of us. We should have so many advantages as humans- we are creators!... and yet... I see crows waiting at stop lights, waiting for the cross walk, hopping across the road as soon as the light changes. I've seen "animals" working together to aid each other gather food, or help each other in other ways... more than my eyes have seen humans do the same.

The city I live in, doesn't even have a 24 hour pharmacy anymore. There isn't even a single pharmacy downtown, and the clinic downtown is open at weird hours/days... those who need help, often have to travel to find it. Even with "healthcare reform" I've been unable to find a "real" dentist office anywhere who will take my insurance. I'm treated like a pariah as soon as it's discovered that I have insurance through the state, rather than something fancier. A friend of mine can't get even vital testing for a disease that runs in his family, because it's not "pre natal."

If he was pregnant, and there was a risk of passing it on to the child, they'd cover it... but because he's not, they refuse to pay for the testing that he needs, in order for his doctors to listen, and act... This is a double standard. He's alive, he's a human being, and he deserves to know whether he needs to start having yearly, invasive checkups, that the doctors also refuse to do, unless he actually has the diagnosis. $1600 out of pocket to find out if he's at risk for the same disease his father, and others in his family have, and yet... the doctors require diagnosis before treatment of any kind, even preventative treatment that would cause no harm to him to have.

In the city I live in, police chase off those who look "homeless" or "dressed poorly" telling them to leave town, because they "don't want them in their city" and people "loitering" in the downtown park where the food carts and benches are, where fresh, clean water is readily available... are harassed by officers, and threatened, told they have to leave after dark, because the park is "closed"...despite the food carts running and people buying food. It's a double standard, designed to gentrify the area, when it has a long, and rich history of being a place for the unfortunate to always have access to clean water, and a place to rest. The founders of the park would be horrified, but the "shareholders" who are working to gentrify the area have spoken.

We are numbers, checkmarks, statistics. Even when people can look us in the eyes, our lives are worth nothing other than what we can be sold...and if you can't be the "product" or the "consumer" then you are an outsider, a nothing.... dehumanized, silenced, stigmatized.

Yes, there are good people in the world... but we have to see through the lies first. We have to break through the illusions, and shatter them, before we can fight back in a way that does more than clatter against the armor of the serpent's scales, angering the beast enough to silence you completely.

This is why magic is important. We are the ones who dare to stare into the abyss. We are those who see through the illusions, and those who dare to leave the sandbox behind, to try to understand the greater world. We are all gods in training, and learning to see the sandbox for what it is, is the first step to the adulthood of humanity.

What will it take for us to see that we are all the same? That life, that experience is sacred, and that in the end, we all want, and all deserve the same basic needs as everyone else? Some people seem to think that people who suffer, suffer because they deserve it, or because they have a lesson to learn from it... In many cases, I will call bullshit... but what if your suffering is supposed to be a reminder, a look in the mirror, to the rest of humanity? A reminder that we are all human, and that we strive for acknowledgement from an uncaring world?

We try so hard to justify ignoring the suffering of others, that I've even seen "karma" cited as a reason in magical circles to not help people when they're clearly in trouble. It goes so far, that I've even seen things like "rape" justified as being a part of a "lesson" that someone apparently "needs" for their spiritual growth. This is of course, disgusting, utter bullshit, and the trap of sociopathy that egotistic magicians fall into.

 Being a mage isn't about being uninvolved, and separating yourself from the rest of the world, and the rest of humanity....It's about knowing your own current well enough to walk into the world, and change it with your very presence....inspiring, creating, and aiding those who are trapped in the sandbox, so that they can stand with you- on their own two feet, instead of sinking into oblivion. What else are Gods supposed to be doing?

Things

Hey everyone,


There's been a lot going on over here, primarily Og and I getting our business going.  We've finally got some established workspace, and I'll be doing more tests on the bronze and stuff soon.

Lately, I've actually changed gears towards making and selling pipes and bone cigarette holders. Og and I have been collaborating pretty much at every step. I still want to do jewelry and stuff, but right now, custom clay pipes seem to be our big seller, and are what is paying the rent. Once we've got some savings, I'll be getting back to jewelry.

I've also got a wand and some other stuff made recently.

If you want to keep up on the things Og and I are making, you can check everything out at www.facebook.com/MysticOasisStudios

I will be posting here still off and on, but right now, I don't really have more to say :)

Trusting the Universe

Oh Midnight Jaguar ...
Wash me with your courage 
And steel me with your grace,
So I may know the value of 
The void of time and space 
Teach me all your lessons, 
How to face the dark unknown. 
Than let me bravely leap 
Into the shadows all alone.

There was once a time, when it was simple for me to trust in the Universe. I looked at the world with a child-like wonder, and I felt something deep in my spirit that moved me, and helped me find the place within my soul that was calm... That knew how to just live life as life, and in the moments where I felt lost... I would pull out my cards, and call out to the Universe to show me what I'm missing, to show me how to find my path when I'd walked astray.  The cards would speak to me, the animals in them would teach me the lessons I was missing, direct me to what I needed to be doing, and I would find purpose and clarity again.

As I've gotten older, that self has been silenced; crushed by the trials and tribulations of adulthood and the need for survival. My anxiety levels have skyrocketed in the past few years, and while I have gained the ability to communicate with spirits more clearly, while I've grown much as a person, I can't help but feel that I've lost something precious, something that must be regained if I'm to go farther.

Nearly every month, I almost dread the times that rent is due. I dread how much utilities might cost, and how much my problems with my physical health get in the way of me being able to regularly support myself as an adult. Sometimes I find myself spiraling into dark places, fearful of what could go wrong next, or something I might have done wrong, instead of being able to focus on the good things in the present. I will try to stop it, try to breathe, and just "be"...but it drags me down, like a wave crashing, pulling me under, and suffocating me.

Og is there for me, and that helps. Anubis is there for me, whispering in my ear, and that helps. Sekhmet is there as inspiration, and that helps....but when the darkness is from myself, when the fear is born of the past, and the life I've lived; it makes things difficult.

What changed? I keep asking myself this, even though I know the answer. I changed. My perceptions and experience of the world changed, as I was birthed again into the strangle-hold of adulthood and the expectations of society, and even of my fellow occultists and friends. - I tried to shape myself into someone who I thought I should be, fearful that somehow I was false, that somehow I didn't deserve to walk with these people in my life, and that I didn't know what I was talking about.

When I lost my cards, I didn't buy new ones, and I didn't try to reconnect with that current, that energy that had cradled me and helped me stay safe and sane through the worst parts of my childhood. Instead of that, I tried to leave the more ... "shamanic" path I had walked, so that I could explore more of Western Occultism; a path that I deeply respect, but honestly don't feel a strong pull to. While this wasn't exactly a "mistake" and I can honestly say I learned a lot from it; I can look back and say that several years ago, I did myself a great disrespect. I was fearful of being seen as "fluffy" or a "dabbler" and so I left behind what had worked for me, what had been real to me, out of fear of abandonment.

Anubis has always been with me, and I've also always kept some bit of that part of my old practices and way of live alive...but I feel it crying out again, as I work more and more with the bones of animals in my work, and find myself working with the spirits of plants, and drifting back towards a more "shamanic" path.

Today I was fearful again, as rent was due, and all of my well laid plans had fallen through. Og and I had no rent money as a result, and all of my emails and inquiries for freelance jobs had gone unanswered. Even our communication between each other had been suffering. We knew something strange was going on. I was fighting back another panic attack, and Og got me some cocoa, and we tried to get me calmed down and clear headed again. He asked me if I'd asked the Universe for aid...and I hadn't. That led to us sitting down on the couch for a few minutes, drinking cocoa, and trying to figure out what had happened...and the conclusion was, that somehow we had "strayed" from our path.

Trying to figure out what we had failed to see, what wire had gotten crossed, and opening ourselves to trusting the Universe...it changed everything. Within minutes, the phone rang. It was a job, and not just a job, but a possibility towards a greater relationship with a growing company. I got back to my computer, and found that within that same time period, I'd gotten an offer for another job- days with nothing but silence, and suddenly I had work offers, and confirmations for work, within minutes of each other.

"This is what magic is" he told me.  I knew he was right, and its something I used to know when I was younger...but for some reason its like its something that I haven't been able to hold onto. The Black Panther card was a card I pulled a lot from my old deck. It means that your problems will be solved by trusting in the Universe to provide, and by opening yourself to what is there, instead of fearing what might be.

I think its time to re-embrace who I am, instead of trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe that makes me fluffy. All I know, is that at this point, I don't care. I'm just going to be me, and try to trust and keep myself open to what the Universe has to offer, instead of closing myself off with a fearful heart.

Memories of Reality

I've had an issue over the years. (no, not ONLY one, but whatever)

As a mage, you might think that I'd be used to all of this magic stuff. It's part of my life after all, how does it not become mundane? How does it retain its wonder? Just because something is magic doesn't mean that moments using it are "magical" in the sense of feeling the power rolling off of you, or uplifting energy. There isn't always the sense that it's "real" despite my experiences.

This has been getting better over the years. My doubt has faded as I grow into myself.  Still it lingers sometimes though. Usually when someone asks me to do something magical for them. "Take a look at my aura!" "Here, look at this magical tool and tell me what it "feels" like to you" The demon of doubt, uncertainty, and fear of rejection raises its head. Sometimes my mind seems to fuzz over, and its as if I'm an absolute beginner again, stumbling over my own feet.  Other times it just comes without trouble, and I just "know" the right answers, sometimes I even see it.

Interestingly, this almost never seems to pop up when I'm healing someone. Maybe this is because I've been doing some form of healing work on people since I was a preteen. Same thing with card readings to some extent. I still stumble over some of my Tarot meanings and have to look up bits... but I used to have these Oracle Cards that I was fantastic with.

Not long ago I was with Og, and we were doing a reading surrounding a potential business venture and an individual involved with it. When we hit the latter point of the reading, I suddenly "forgot" the significance of the placement of a card related to the individual. Now, I'd had some suspicion that this person may have been a fellow mage. After some outside confirmation, I've basically confirmed it- in doing a reading about this person, I "immediately" forgot what the card was supposed to represent in its placement, and why it was significant. I was able to force my way through by backtracking and figuring out "what" I would have been asking about, but despite this, I was unable to regain the actual memory that had been blanked out originally.

The implication, is that I tripped a ward/shield of this person, designed so that they couldn't be scryed on. Og had felt something "strange" at the same time, and with some asking around, I've confirmed that this does happen. I still feel kind of weird about this- it's one of those moments where you're forced to see the implications of how your magic can touch others, and not just yourself. While I was just looking at business dynamics and had no ill intentions, now I feel like I've intruded.

Og did some work to clear the air a bit, and then pulled the "hey, can you see what I'm doing/did?" card with the magical work he was doing.  I could. I couldn't "see" it physically, but it was as if I could see it behind my eyelids. What I was seeing was clear and beautiful; Imagery wrapped with tangible meaning and intent. 

I told him what he'd done. He just grinned, and asked me if I still had any doubts after that, and pointed out that I had explained everything, without any hints or prompting from him on what it was that he'd done. He was right, and it's moments like that, that I try to reinforce. I don't want magic to become this ....thing lacking wonder, but I do want to reinforce experiences like this to put to rest the gnawing doubts that sometimes come to the surface. Having experiences I can call upon to solidify the positive reinforcement of the reality of what I do in my life, the energies I live with, and dance with... it's important to my journey of knowing and growing into myself.

Maybe someday, the doubt will be gone completely. But I wonder to is maybe doubt is just in the nature of humanity.