Trusting the Universe

Oh Midnight Jaguar ...
Wash me with your courage 
And steel me with your grace,
So I may know the value of 
The void of time and space 
Teach me all your lessons, 
How to face the dark unknown. 
Than let me bravely leap 
Into the shadows all alone.

There was once a time, when it was simple for me to trust in the Universe. I looked at the world with a child-like wonder, and I felt something deep in my spirit that moved me, and helped me find the place within my soul that was calm... That knew how to just live life as life, and in the moments where I felt lost... I would pull out my cards, and call out to the Universe to show me what I'm missing, to show me how to find my path when I'd walked astray.  The cards would speak to me, the animals in them would teach me the lessons I was missing, direct me to what I needed to be doing, and I would find purpose and clarity again.

As I've gotten older, that self has been silenced; crushed by the trials and tribulations of adulthood and the need for survival. My anxiety levels have skyrocketed in the past few years, and while I have gained the ability to communicate with spirits more clearly, while I've grown much as a person, I can't help but feel that I've lost something precious, something that must be regained if I'm to go farther.

Nearly every month, I almost dread the times that rent is due. I dread how much utilities might cost, and how much my problems with my physical health get in the way of me being able to regularly support myself as an adult. Sometimes I find myself spiraling into dark places, fearful of what could go wrong next, or something I might have done wrong, instead of being able to focus on the good things in the present. I will try to stop it, try to breathe, and just "be"...but it drags me down, like a wave crashing, pulling me under, and suffocating me.

Og is there for me, and that helps. Anubis is there for me, whispering in my ear, and that helps. Sekhmet is there as inspiration, and that helps....but when the darkness is from myself, when the fear is born of the past, and the life I've lived; it makes things difficult.

What changed? I keep asking myself this, even though I know the answer. I changed. My perceptions and experience of the world changed, as I was birthed again into the strangle-hold of adulthood and the expectations of society, and even of my fellow occultists and friends. - I tried to shape myself into someone who I thought I should be, fearful that somehow I was false, that somehow I didn't deserve to walk with these people in my life, and that I didn't know what I was talking about.

When I lost my cards, I didn't buy new ones, and I didn't try to reconnect with that current, that energy that had cradled me and helped me stay safe and sane through the worst parts of my childhood. Instead of that, I tried to leave the more ... "shamanic" path I had walked, so that I could explore more of Western Occultism; a path that I deeply respect, but honestly don't feel a strong pull to. While this wasn't exactly a "mistake" and I can honestly say I learned a lot from it; I can look back and say that several years ago, I did myself a great disrespect. I was fearful of being seen as "fluffy" or a "dabbler" and so I left behind what had worked for me, what had been real to me, out of fear of abandonment.

Anubis has always been with me, and I've also always kept some bit of that part of my old practices and way of live alive...but I feel it crying out again, as I work more and more with the bones of animals in my work, and find myself working with the spirits of plants, and drifting back towards a more "shamanic" path.

Today I was fearful again, as rent was due, and all of my well laid plans had fallen through. Og and I had no rent money as a result, and all of my emails and inquiries for freelance jobs had gone unanswered. Even our communication between each other had been suffering. We knew something strange was going on. I was fighting back another panic attack, and Og got me some cocoa, and we tried to get me calmed down and clear headed again. He asked me if I'd asked the Universe for aid...and I hadn't. That led to us sitting down on the couch for a few minutes, drinking cocoa, and trying to figure out what had happened...and the conclusion was, that somehow we had "strayed" from our path.

Trying to figure out what we had failed to see, what wire had gotten crossed, and opening ourselves to trusting the Universe...it changed everything. Within minutes, the phone rang. It was a job, and not just a job, but a possibility towards a greater relationship with a growing company. I got back to my computer, and found that within that same time period, I'd gotten an offer for another job- days with nothing but silence, and suddenly I had work offers, and confirmations for work, within minutes of each other.

"This is what magic is" he told me.  I knew he was right, and its something I used to know when I was younger...but for some reason its like its something that I haven't been able to hold onto. The Black Panther card was a card I pulled a lot from my old deck. It means that your problems will be solved by trusting in the Universe to provide, and by opening yourself to what is there, instead of fearing what might be.

I think its time to re-embrace who I am, instead of trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe that makes me fluffy. All I know, is that at this point, I don't care. I'm just going to be me, and try to trust and keep myself open to what the Universe has to offer, instead of closing myself off with a fearful heart.