Now that I have a tumblr together, I'm bringing this blog to a close. Maybe I'll revive it someday, but I doubt it.
If you want to follow my art, you can follow me on Tumblr: http://astraljackal.tumblr.com/
:)
The exploratory writings and magical experiences of a Hermetic Egypto-Pagan.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Changes
I feel like I'm outgrowing this little place on the web, and outgrowing talking about my experiences and my practices and beliefs in general. The farther I go down the rabbit hole, the more I seem to come back, re-observe my surroundings, and realize that often what I know is not what I think I knew. In turn, this means that I know nothing.
Your Truth might not be the same as mine, and if there is one thing I have learned that is crucial on this journey of life...is that you have to find your own answers. If you just have answers handed to you, it becomes meaningless, and the value of those answers cannot be truly comprehended as a result.
It is so easy to treat the pursuit of magic and knowledge in ways that fall into something as futile as mental masturbation. Without the practice, without diving in and having those experiences, mentally going through the motions and trying to understand them, will never bear the fruit you're looking for. You might think you find them, and then you reach out to grasp them, and find that it was just another fantasy, another perverse creation of an arrogant mind, claiming to understand how the cogs of the universe turn, and sometimes even WHY they do.
For some, magic is something that is a means to an end. For others, magic is a study, and the "science" of the metaphysical world....to others, it's a little bit of both. But getting back to the point... it's pointless. At this point, my practices and my beliefs are so mired in personal experience, inside jokes, and...life, that I don't feel I can really continue to speak of my personal journey to everyone.
So, instead, I've decided to focus my online presence into my art, and let it show my growth and progress in another medium. I don't want to tell you what to think- what you think and how you interpret the world is up to you.
I'm working on starting a Tumblr to do this, and in turn use this to challenge myself and grow into a better person and artist. This blog is kind of dead, and I'm starting to think that maybe it should stay that way. I can do better, so I will.
Your Truth might not be the same as mine, and if there is one thing I have learned that is crucial on this journey of life...is that you have to find your own answers. If you just have answers handed to you, it becomes meaningless, and the value of those answers cannot be truly comprehended as a result.
It is so easy to treat the pursuit of magic and knowledge in ways that fall into something as futile as mental masturbation. Without the practice, without diving in and having those experiences, mentally going through the motions and trying to understand them, will never bear the fruit you're looking for. You might think you find them, and then you reach out to grasp them, and find that it was just another fantasy, another perverse creation of an arrogant mind, claiming to understand how the cogs of the universe turn, and sometimes even WHY they do.
For some, magic is something that is a means to an end. For others, magic is a study, and the "science" of the metaphysical world....to others, it's a little bit of both. But getting back to the point... it's pointless. At this point, my practices and my beliefs are so mired in personal experience, inside jokes, and...life, that I don't feel I can really continue to speak of my personal journey to everyone.
So, instead, I've decided to focus my online presence into my art, and let it show my growth and progress in another medium. I don't want to tell you what to think- what you think and how you interpret the world is up to you.
I'm working on starting a Tumblr to do this, and in turn use this to challenge myself and grow into a better person and artist. This blog is kind of dead, and I'm starting to think that maybe it should stay that way. I can do better, so I will.
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Per-Sabu
It's been hectic here. It usually is when I haven't posted for a long time. I don't really have much to say myself, but ran across an incredible wealth of knowledge recently on the "jackal" deities of ancient Egypt. This was all collected by Bezenwepwy, a fellow Anubis/Wepwawet cultist :)
If you want to learn about Anubis, Wepwawet, other "jackal" entities related, and unrelated to them, go check out her website at: http://www.per-sabu.org/
There's more information and even photos of artifacts, murals, etc than you can shake a stick at.
I'm deep in some kind of weirdness with trying to find myself. Not sure when I'll be posting again.
If you want to learn about Anubis, Wepwawet, other "jackal" entities related, and unrelated to them, go check out her website at: http://www.per-sabu.org/
There's more information and even photos of artifacts, murals, etc than you can shake a stick at.
I'm deep in some kind of weirdness with trying to find myself. Not sure when I'll be posting again.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Death
Being someone who has worked with Anubis since a child, you'd think I must have known death. The truth is quite the opposite. I saw that which was dead. I felt the lingering presence, traces of the soul that was once there, and I also saw that which the soul had completely left, with no traces to be found.
To witness death, to witness the actual transition that takes place from life to death, is something else entirely. To witness death, and to understand what is happening, is to lose innocence. I never lost my innocence when I lost my virginity. I never lost my innocence even when later in my life I saw the dark underbelly of the world, and understood how closely I had come to....my own death.
We are always several steps from death, until it catches up with us. This is a fact of life. We are born, and one day we will also die. No matter how much we may want to not think about it, this will come to pass.
The death I witnessed, was not pretty. It was not slow, but it was not fast either. My attempts to save the life that passed between my fingertips, was started too late. I was ignorant, and so I failed. His heart had already stopped, and by the time he breathed out his last, his soul went out with his breath.
Og was there with me. We both tried to save this small, and fragile life that we held in our hands. Our breath, and our magic came too late. We didn't know that the breaths that the life before us was struggling to take, were because the heart had stopped. We didn't know that the gasps for air after the seizure were agonic breathing- the herald of death.
When you see death happen, you know it has happened. There is no mistaking it for anything else. When the soul has passed, you can tell that it has gone from the body. There is a reason that the soul is also called the "breath of life" in scripture. When you witness the final exhalation, the lungs deflate. The ribs show through, and it looks nothing like sleeping.... as rigamortis sets in, the body begins to re-inflate, giving the appearance of life, but this is false. It is a false hope, that will destroy you if you hold onto it. It is the denial of what you have just witnessed, because you have not been exposed to death. Your innocence has been lost, but you can't even comprehend it.
We are a society that hides death. Our sick and dying are kept in special facilities, rather than cared for in their final moments by their families and loved ones in their homes. We are never educated about it in any formal way. We only experience it typically, as older family members pass away as we ourselves age. We may or may not be invited, or even able to attend the funeral.
I was young when my grandfather died. I knew of death, and wanted to be able to say goodbye at the funeral. I was not allowed.
When my pets died as a child, I never saw the death. I usually came home from school, only to find that my parents had disposed of the body. My own dog was taken away by the gardeners, and disposed of in the trash.
We fear death as a society, so much, that we destroy the evidence of it, regardless of whether it is human, or "animal"
But I will tell you now, that life, is life. A human life measures the same as that as a lizard, if it is that which you love. In the end, all of us will some day breathe our final breath, and take our souls with it. But if you truly love something, someone, cherish it even as it dies. Cherish every moment you had with them, and respect them even in their death. That body was the precious vessel that carried the soul you loved so much. Never forget that time you shared, and send them off with love in your heart. Don't hate them for leaving you, and don't hate yourself out of fear that you failed them.
Grieve, send them off, and live on, taking your knowledge with you, so that maybe, you and that which you love, can find the happiness, and the peace that you have searched for.
Innocence is the veil that obscures Truth.
The worst thing we can do is force others to stay innocent, when knowing death, and how to honor those in death, can teach us the true value of life.
To witness death, to witness the actual transition that takes place from life to death, is something else entirely. To witness death, and to understand what is happening, is to lose innocence. I never lost my innocence when I lost my virginity. I never lost my innocence even when later in my life I saw the dark underbelly of the world, and understood how closely I had come to....my own death.
We are always several steps from death, until it catches up with us. This is a fact of life. We are born, and one day we will also die. No matter how much we may want to not think about it, this will come to pass.
The death I witnessed, was not pretty. It was not slow, but it was not fast either. My attempts to save the life that passed between my fingertips, was started too late. I was ignorant, and so I failed. His heart had already stopped, and by the time he breathed out his last, his soul went out with his breath.
Og was there with me. We both tried to save this small, and fragile life that we held in our hands. Our breath, and our magic came too late. We didn't know that the breaths that the life before us was struggling to take, were because the heart had stopped. We didn't know that the gasps for air after the seizure were agonic breathing- the herald of death.
When you see death happen, you know it has happened. There is no mistaking it for anything else. When the soul has passed, you can tell that it has gone from the body. There is a reason that the soul is also called the "breath of life" in scripture. When you witness the final exhalation, the lungs deflate. The ribs show through, and it looks nothing like sleeping.... as rigamortis sets in, the body begins to re-inflate, giving the appearance of life, but this is false. It is a false hope, that will destroy you if you hold onto it. It is the denial of what you have just witnessed, because you have not been exposed to death. Your innocence has been lost, but you can't even comprehend it.
We are a society that hides death. Our sick and dying are kept in special facilities, rather than cared for in their final moments by their families and loved ones in their homes. We are never educated about it in any formal way. We only experience it typically, as older family members pass away as we ourselves age. We may or may not be invited, or even able to attend the funeral.
I was young when my grandfather died. I knew of death, and wanted to be able to say goodbye at the funeral. I was not allowed.
When my pets died as a child, I never saw the death. I usually came home from school, only to find that my parents had disposed of the body. My own dog was taken away by the gardeners, and disposed of in the trash.
We fear death as a society, so much, that we destroy the evidence of it, regardless of whether it is human, or "animal"
But I will tell you now, that life, is life. A human life measures the same as that as a lizard, if it is that which you love. In the end, all of us will some day breathe our final breath, and take our souls with it. But if you truly love something, someone, cherish it even as it dies. Cherish every moment you had with them, and respect them even in their death. That body was the precious vessel that carried the soul you loved so much. Never forget that time you shared, and send them off with love in your heart. Don't hate them for leaving you, and don't hate yourself out of fear that you failed them.
Grieve, send them off, and live on, taking your knowledge with you, so that maybe, you and that which you love, can find the happiness, and the peace that you have searched for.
Innocence is the veil that obscures Truth.
The worst thing we can do is force others to stay innocent, when knowing death, and how to honor those in death, can teach us the true value of life.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
The Desperate Cry of Humanity
It's been a while hasn't it?
It's been busy here in my little universe. One thing after another, one step at a time, one step forward one step back... all leading to the realizations that I've had in the past few months. Sometimes you think you've seen the abyss, and then you realize that you've only scraped the surface of that inky blackness that lies below, all the while you're falling, silently screaming, because the world doesn't hear your voice. It doesn't acknowledge it. Your screams fall on closed ears, on closed hearts.
This is the desperate cry of humanity, this is the universe that we both love, and hate. It's the way of things that must change. We ignore the suffering of humanity. We see that trembling, dirty hand, reaching out of the shadows, the haunted eyes that have seen too much, and that yet, are daring to hope... and the world turns its back, and averts its gaze, continuing on, leaving the desperate behind, dehumanizing those who can't be a good cog in the machine.
You may think you know. You may think you understand. But almost without exception, you do not. You will look for signs, for signals, ask for proof, and justify your hatred, or aversion of what you fear. This is human nature. Us or them, male or female, good or evil. We explore the universe in concepts of duality.
Life is for the strong, life is for those who deserve it, and those who deserve it is those who can prove their worth to those around them- that is the message that is sent from on high. (on high being of course the top offices of multi-national corporations that control the world economy)
And that, is the problem- our very society is structured around the idea that we have to be worth something "to others" and while this in itself isn't a bad thing (what's wrong with being helpful to each other?) it points out the issue that self-worth is almost an impossible feeling to attain without the praise of others. In a society that is based on judgement of a person's worth to "them" this creates a problem.
The problem is something that I've at least touched on in the past, that I have realized through my own explorations of my psyche: Humans (at least in this country) are so focused on separating the "human" from the "animal" that the concept that we ARE very much animals, and that this affects our society and psychology very strongly... is completely missed, or often misused by those in power who use this to their advantages.
We think we're so advanced, but we're children playing in a sandbox, playing at being adults. We're playing house, and missing the greater world around us, and even the small things in front of us. We should have so many advantages as humans- we are creators!... and yet... I see crows waiting at stop lights, waiting for the cross walk, hopping across the road as soon as the light changes. I've seen "animals" working together to aid each other gather food, or help each other in other ways... more than my eyes have seen humans do the same.
The city I live in, doesn't even have a 24 hour pharmacy anymore. There isn't even a single pharmacy downtown, and the clinic downtown is open at weird hours/days... those who need help, often have to travel to find it. Even with "healthcare reform" I've been unable to find a "real" dentist office anywhere who will take my insurance. I'm treated like a pariah as soon as it's discovered that I have insurance through the state, rather than something fancier. A friend of mine can't get even vital testing for a disease that runs in his family, because it's not "pre natal."
If he was pregnant, and there was a risk of passing it on to the child, they'd cover it... but because he's not, they refuse to pay for the testing that he needs, in order for his doctors to listen, and act... This is a double standard. He's alive, he's a human being, and he deserves to know whether he needs to start having yearly, invasive checkups, that the doctors also refuse to do, unless he actually has the diagnosis. $1600 out of pocket to find out if he's at risk for the same disease his father, and others in his family have, and yet... the doctors require diagnosis before treatment of any kind, even preventative treatment that would cause no harm to him to have.
In the city I live in, police chase off those who look "homeless" or "dressed poorly" telling them to leave town, because they "don't want them in their city" and people "loitering" in the downtown park where the food carts and benches are, where fresh, clean water is readily available... are harassed by officers, and threatened, told they have to leave after dark, because the park is "closed"...despite the food carts running and people buying food. It's a double standard, designed to gentrify the area, when it has a long, and rich history of being a place for the unfortunate to always have access to clean water, and a place to rest. The founders of the park would be horrified, but the "shareholders" who are working to gentrify the area have spoken.
We are numbers, checkmarks, statistics. Even when people can look us in the eyes, our lives are worth nothing other than what we can be sold...and if you can't be the "product" or the "consumer" then you are an outsider, a nothing.... dehumanized, silenced, stigmatized.
Yes, there are good people in the world... but we have to see through the lies first. We have to break through the illusions, and shatter them, before we can fight back in a way that does more than clatter against the armor of the serpent's scales, angering the beast enough to silence you completely.
This is why magic is important. We are the ones who dare to stare into the abyss. We are those who see through the illusions, and those who dare to leave the sandbox behind, to try to understand the greater world. We are all gods in training, and learning to see the sandbox for what it is, is the first step to the adulthood of humanity.
What will it take for us to see that we are all the same? That life, that experience is sacred, and that in the end, we all want, and all deserve the same basic needs as everyone else? Some people seem to think that people who suffer, suffer because they deserve it, or because they have a lesson to learn from it... In many cases, I will call bullshit... but what if your suffering is supposed to be a reminder, a look in the mirror, to the rest of humanity? A reminder that we are all human, and that we strive for acknowledgement from an uncaring world?
We try so hard to justify ignoring the suffering of others, that I've even seen "karma" cited as a reason in magical circles to not help people when they're clearly in trouble. It goes so far, that I've even seen things like "rape" justified as being a part of a "lesson" that someone apparently "needs" for their spiritual growth. This is of course, disgusting, utter bullshit, and the trap of sociopathy that egotistic magicians fall into.
Being a mage isn't about being uninvolved, and separating yourself from the rest of the world, and the rest of humanity....It's about knowing your own current well enough to walk into the world, and change it with your very presence....inspiring, creating, and aiding those who are trapped in the sandbox, so that they can stand with you- on their own two feet, instead of sinking into oblivion. What else are Gods supposed to be doing?
It's been busy here in my little universe. One thing after another, one step at a time, one step forward one step back... all leading to the realizations that I've had in the past few months. Sometimes you think you've seen the abyss, and then you realize that you've only scraped the surface of that inky blackness that lies below, all the while you're falling, silently screaming, because the world doesn't hear your voice. It doesn't acknowledge it. Your screams fall on closed ears, on closed hearts.
This is the desperate cry of humanity, this is the universe that we both love, and hate. It's the way of things that must change. We ignore the suffering of humanity. We see that trembling, dirty hand, reaching out of the shadows, the haunted eyes that have seen too much, and that yet, are daring to hope... and the world turns its back, and averts its gaze, continuing on, leaving the desperate behind, dehumanizing those who can't be a good cog in the machine. You may think you know. You may think you understand. But almost without exception, you do not. You will look for signs, for signals, ask for proof, and justify your hatred, or aversion of what you fear. This is human nature. Us or them, male or female, good or evil. We explore the universe in concepts of duality.
Life is for the strong, life is for those who deserve it, and those who deserve it is those who can prove their worth to those around them- that is the message that is sent from on high. (on high being of course the top offices of multi-national corporations that control the world economy)
And that, is the problem- our very society is structured around the idea that we have to be worth something "to others" and while this in itself isn't a bad thing (what's wrong with being helpful to each other?) it points out the issue that self-worth is almost an impossible feeling to attain without the praise of others. In a society that is based on judgement of a person's worth to "them" this creates a problem.
The problem is something that I've at least touched on in the past, that I have realized through my own explorations of my psyche: Humans (at least in this country) are so focused on separating the "human" from the "animal" that the concept that we ARE very much animals, and that this affects our society and psychology very strongly... is completely missed, or often misused by those in power who use this to their advantages.
We think we're so advanced, but we're children playing in a sandbox, playing at being adults. We're playing house, and missing the greater world around us, and even the small things in front of us. We should have so many advantages as humans- we are creators!... and yet... I see crows waiting at stop lights, waiting for the cross walk, hopping across the road as soon as the light changes. I've seen "animals" working together to aid each other gather food, or help each other in other ways... more than my eyes have seen humans do the same.
The city I live in, doesn't even have a 24 hour pharmacy anymore. There isn't even a single pharmacy downtown, and the clinic downtown is open at weird hours/days... those who need help, often have to travel to find it. Even with "healthcare reform" I've been unable to find a "real" dentist office anywhere who will take my insurance. I'm treated like a pariah as soon as it's discovered that I have insurance through the state, rather than something fancier. A friend of mine can't get even vital testing for a disease that runs in his family, because it's not "pre natal."
If he was pregnant, and there was a risk of passing it on to the child, they'd cover it... but because he's not, they refuse to pay for the testing that he needs, in order for his doctors to listen, and act... This is a double standard. He's alive, he's a human being, and he deserves to know whether he needs to start having yearly, invasive checkups, that the doctors also refuse to do, unless he actually has the diagnosis. $1600 out of pocket to find out if he's at risk for the same disease his father, and others in his family have, and yet... the doctors require diagnosis before treatment of any kind, even preventative treatment that would cause no harm to him to have.
In the city I live in, police chase off those who look "homeless" or "dressed poorly" telling them to leave town, because they "don't want them in their city" and people "loitering" in the downtown park where the food carts and benches are, where fresh, clean water is readily available... are harassed by officers, and threatened, told they have to leave after dark, because the park is "closed"...despite the food carts running and people buying food. It's a double standard, designed to gentrify the area, when it has a long, and rich history of being a place for the unfortunate to always have access to clean water, and a place to rest. The founders of the park would be horrified, but the "shareholders" who are working to gentrify the area have spoken.
We are numbers, checkmarks, statistics. Even when people can look us in the eyes, our lives are worth nothing other than what we can be sold...and if you can't be the "product" or the "consumer" then you are an outsider, a nothing.... dehumanized, silenced, stigmatized.
Yes, there are good people in the world... but we have to see through the lies first. We have to break through the illusions, and shatter them, before we can fight back in a way that does more than clatter against the armor of the serpent's scales, angering the beast enough to silence you completely.
This is why magic is important. We are the ones who dare to stare into the abyss. We are those who see through the illusions, and those who dare to leave the sandbox behind, to try to understand the greater world. We are all gods in training, and learning to see the sandbox for what it is, is the first step to the adulthood of humanity.
What will it take for us to see that we are all the same? That life, that experience is sacred, and that in the end, we all want, and all deserve the same basic needs as everyone else? Some people seem to think that people who suffer, suffer because they deserve it, or because they have a lesson to learn from it... In many cases, I will call bullshit... but what if your suffering is supposed to be a reminder, a look in the mirror, to the rest of humanity? A reminder that we are all human, and that we strive for acknowledgement from an uncaring world?
We try so hard to justify ignoring the suffering of others, that I've even seen "karma" cited as a reason in magical circles to not help people when they're clearly in trouble. It goes so far, that I've even seen things like "rape" justified as being a part of a "lesson" that someone apparently "needs" for their spiritual growth. This is of course, disgusting, utter bullshit, and the trap of sociopathy that egotistic magicians fall into.
Being a mage isn't about being uninvolved, and separating yourself from the rest of the world, and the rest of humanity....It's about knowing your own current well enough to walk into the world, and change it with your very presence....inspiring, creating, and aiding those who are trapped in the sandbox, so that they can stand with you- on their own two feet, instead of sinking into oblivion. What else are Gods supposed to be doing?
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Things
Hey everyone,
There's been a lot going on over here, primarily Og and I getting our business going. We've finally got some established workspace, and I'll be doing more tests on the bronze and stuff soon.
Lately, I've actually changed gears towards making and selling pipes and bone cigarette holders. Og and I have been collaborating pretty much at every step. I still want to do jewelry and stuff, but right now, custom clay pipes seem to be our big seller, and are what is paying the rent. Once we've got some savings, I'll be getting back to jewelry.
I've also got a wand and some other stuff made recently.
If you want to keep up on the things Og and I are making, you can check everything out at www.facebook.com/MysticOasisStudios
I will be posting here still off and on, but right now, I don't really have more to say :)
There's been a lot going on over here, primarily Og and I getting our business going. We've finally got some established workspace, and I'll be doing more tests on the bronze and stuff soon.
Lately, I've actually changed gears towards making and selling pipes and bone cigarette holders. Og and I have been collaborating pretty much at every step. I still want to do jewelry and stuff, but right now, custom clay pipes seem to be our big seller, and are what is paying the rent. Once we've got some savings, I'll be getting back to jewelry.
I've also got a wand and some other stuff made recently.
If you want to keep up on the things Og and I are making, you can check everything out at www.facebook.com/MysticOasisStudios
I will be posting here still off and on, but right now, I don't really have more to say :)
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Trusting the Universe
Oh Midnight Jaguar ...
Wash me with your courage
And steel me with your grace,
So I may know the value of
The void of time and space
Teach me all your lessons,
How to face the dark unknown.
Than let me bravely leap
Into the shadows all alone.
Wash me with your courage
And steel me with your grace,
So I may know the value of
The void of time and space
Teach me all your lessons,
How to face the dark unknown.
Than let me bravely leap
Into the shadows all alone.
There was once a time, when it was simple for me to trust in the Universe. I looked at the world with a child-like wonder, and I felt something deep in my spirit that moved me, and helped me find the place within my soul that was calm... That knew how to just live life as life, and in the moments where I felt lost... I would pull out my cards, and call out to the Universe to show me what I'm missing, to show me how to find my path when I'd walked astray. The cards would speak to me, the animals in them would teach me the lessons I was missing, direct me to what I needed to be doing, and I would find purpose and clarity again.
As I've gotten older, that self has been silenced; crushed by the trials and tribulations of adulthood and the need for survival. My anxiety levels have skyrocketed in the past few years, and while I have gained the ability to communicate with spirits more clearly, while I've grown much as a person, I can't help but feel that I've lost something precious, something that must be regained if I'm to go farther.
Nearly every month, I almost dread the times that rent is due. I dread how much utilities might cost, and how much my problems with my physical health get in the way of me being able to regularly support myself as an adult. Sometimes I find myself spiraling into dark places, fearful of what could go wrong next, or something I might have done wrong, instead of being able to focus on the good things in the present. I will try to stop it, try to breathe, and just "be"...but it drags me down, like a wave crashing, pulling me under, and suffocating me.
Og is there for me, and that helps. Anubis is there for me, whispering in my ear, and that helps. Sekhmet is there as inspiration, and that helps....but when the darkness is from myself, when the fear is born of the past, and the life I've lived; it makes things difficult.
What changed? I keep asking myself this, even though I know the answer. I changed. My perceptions and experience of the world changed, as I was birthed again into the strangle-hold of adulthood and the expectations of society, and even of my fellow occultists and friends. - I tried to shape myself into someone who I thought I should be, fearful that somehow I was false, that somehow I didn't deserve to walk with these people in my life, and that I didn't know what I was talking about.
When I lost my cards, I didn't buy new ones, and I didn't try to reconnect with that current, that energy that had cradled me and helped me stay safe and sane through the worst parts of my childhood. Instead of that, I tried to leave the more ... "shamanic" path I had walked, so that I could explore more of Western Occultism; a path that I deeply respect, but honestly don't feel a strong pull to. While this wasn't exactly a "mistake" and I can honestly say I learned a lot from it; I can look back and say that several years ago, I did myself a great disrespect. I was fearful of being seen as "fluffy" or a "dabbler" and so I left behind what had worked for me, what had been real to me, out of fear of abandonment.
Anubis has always been with me, and I've also always kept some bit of that part of my old practices and way of live alive...but I feel it crying out again, as I work more and more with the bones of animals in my work, and find myself working with the spirits of plants, and drifting back towards a more "shamanic" path.
Today I was fearful again, as rent was due, and all of my well laid plans had fallen through. Og and I had no rent money as a result, and all of my emails and inquiries for freelance jobs had gone unanswered. Even our communication between each other had been suffering. We knew something strange was going on. I was fighting back another panic attack, and Og got me some cocoa, and we tried to get me calmed down and clear headed again. He asked me if I'd asked the Universe for aid...and I hadn't. That led to us sitting down on the couch for a few minutes, drinking cocoa, and trying to figure out what had happened...and the conclusion was, that somehow we had "strayed" from our path.
Trying to figure out what we had failed to see, what wire had gotten crossed, and opening ourselves to trusting the Universe...it changed everything. Within minutes, the phone rang. It was a job, and not just a job, but a possibility towards a greater relationship with a growing company. I got back to my computer, and found that within that same time period, I'd gotten an offer for another job- days with nothing but silence, and suddenly I had work offers, and confirmations for work, within minutes of each other.
"This is what magic is" he told me. I knew he was right, and its something I used to know when I was younger...but for some reason its like its something that I haven't been able to hold onto. The Black Panther card was a card I pulled a lot from my old deck. It means that your problems will be solved by trusting in the Universe to provide, and by opening yourself to what is there, instead of fearing what might be.
I think its time to re-embrace who I am, instead of trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe that makes me fluffy. All I know, is that at this point, I don't care. I'm just going to be me, and try to trust and keep myself open to what the Universe has to offer, instead of closing myself off with a fearful heart.
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