Yesterday I got to see ConjureMan for the first time in a long while. I hadn’t seen him in about six months, and it seems like every time we work something out, our time meddling in the affairs of mortals together is cut short :P
For once though, he made it up to my neck of the woods. We didn’t get a chance to spend a lot of time together, but we talked a lot, and went to a semi-local zoo to gawk at the animals in the rain :) It was nice to actually be able to hang out with him alone so we could talk properly. I’ve considered him one of my closest friends for years, and it’s always a little awkward when you’re stuck with other people. We talked shop about the occult, traditionalism VS. non-traditionalism, staying safe, and his personal approaches to conjuring and working with what some would consider unfriendly spirits. I hadn’t laughed so hard in ages, as when he compared summoning a spirit while threatening to torture it etc. with stepping off of an airplane swinging a sword at people. Who the hell is going to treat you like a sane person worth being friendly with if you pull that shit, right? So treat your spirits like respectable beings, and don't act like you're a terrorist :) Thankfully in the few times I've approached entities, that's always been my approach, more or less anyway, minus other elements of traditionalism, but you work with what you have, and hopefully you get results.
While I hadn’t really considered it before, I also realized one of the reasons I haven’t fully “dedicated” myself in recent years to much deeper magical practice, is because I’m unsure of whether or not I’m mentally stable enough to undertake things at this point. I’m still very emotionally raw from a lot of issues in my past, and about issues regarding my physical health, and how that ties in to things that people I should have been able to trust (family) has done to me. I will never be able to have normal function in my legs because of the surgery I was forced into when I was a child. Any health problems I have involving my legs are structural. The bolts and plates in there are there to stay. Exercise, and strengthening the muscles and gaining more elasticity will help, but only so much, in only so many ways.
If I had someone local who I could consider a friend and mentor, who I actually knew has been through at least as much hell as I have, and not lost their marbles (more than I have ;) ) and had good magical results, I’d totally jump into things more quickly. The issue is that I KNOW I don’t know as much as it may look like I do, and I’m not comfortable with experimenting willy nilly with forces that I don’t completely understand. Magick has consequences. It can be dangerous, and not every spirit wants to give you a hug. Sure I’ll work with Anubis and Sekhmet. (she isn’t into hugs either, though Anubis will spare a bit more sympathy). Sure I’ll do some money magic here and there, and work to improve things in my life. Sure I’ll project over to a buddy on the other side of the country to check out what their energy is like, and maybe do some healing work if they request it.
I’ve certainly made magick a part of my life, and I’ve been taking it farther as I branch out more over the years. A lot of it has been about personal development, making myself strong enough to face my inner demons, my fears, and to take control of my emotions so that they don’t control me. (I had a terrible temper when I was younger, but thankfully I’ve moved on from trying to throttle people, and on to more civilized methods of dealing with people.) Some of the important lessons I figured out on my own, others I’ve learned more recently from Sekhmet. They’re little things, but they add up to something bigger. “Stand up for what you believe in, fight when you believe you’re right, stand tall and keep your head up, don’t make yourself look weak or small to avoid confrontation, don’t be afraid of confrontation, sometimes it’s needed” these are just a few. Keys on how to present myself, to be safe, to be successful, to gain more confidence in myself and my abilities.
I’m rambling at this point though. Hopefully my next entry won’t be so long in coming. Things have been crazy, but they’re still good.
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