Unexpected

Just when you think you know what's going on, just when you think you've made the right choices, life throws a curve-ball that makes you go "what the fuck just happened, and where did these all of these skid marks come from?"

That's kind of how my life feels right now. It's like for months I've been moving forward, looking at the world in a very specific way, and suddenly someone turned on the lights. I've been pulling the 8 of wands a lot lately, along with the Moon. Maybe that has something to do with those skid marks I mentioned. I kept going one way, then another, and I was so sure I understood what was going on. There's always layers to these things though, and in my arrogance I missed my own self-deceptions.

Needless to say, when the Moon is involved, things are never as they seem. I was so caught up in what I thought was going on, that I failed to realize just how bizarre the situation I was in was. My life is full of bizarre, I'm a Magician after all. I figured I would recognize bizarre when I saw it. I knew "something" was off, but failed to actually say "maybe its me" until a higher voice essentially
came to me and said "STOP!" right when I was about to put together some more capsules full of the herb my herbalist had prescribed to me for some health issues.

Once I actually stopped, I remembered.  Those herbs I was mixing up? I'd done a little bit of research on them before I started taking them. Side effects were uncommon, but when they did happen, they were pretty nasty, and included things like anxiety, paranoia, and depression. Then it all fell into place. The light came on, and I saw how I'd been destroying my life with misguided suspicions, and unreasonable fears. I saw how I'd been running one way, put on the brakes, and then started running another way. I had known that there was a problem, but....once you get wrapped up in that kind of mental state, that kind of paranoia and fear, you can forget that problems often come from within and not always from other people.

My herbalist hadn't even told me that this herb HAD side effects like that. I guess that should have been warning sign number one. But when you have a health issue and conventional medicine hasn't helped, I guess desperation can cloud judgement. Tony was supposed to help me watch out for these symptoms, but we both forgot, so I can't really blame him.

I guess the lesson I've learned from this, is that when things don't make sense, don't keep charging ahead out of desperation. I had the tools I needed, but because I was already convinced I knew what was going on, I didn't use them properly. Part of being a Mage is seeing through the illusions, the self-deceptions, and finding the Truth.  Sometimes the truth is embarrassing, but that doesn't keep it from being the truth. The spirits in my life can help me to see clearly, but in the end its up to me whether or not I see the information given for what it is.