More about Netjer than you can shake a stick at

The title of this blog is "Dances with Netjer" but where've the posts about Netjer been!? Here's something with bits from my personal journal to satisfy your hunger :)

 In one of my previous posts I mentioned that I'm trying to look more at other Egyptian deities, and examine my own practices more. As a Hermetic Egypto-pagan,  I felt that one way to start doing this would be to examine the basic natures of the deities who have made themselves apparent to me in my life. To do this, I began trying to look at their basic qualities, and place them on the tree of life. I backed this up with research and ideas that are already prevalent in various sections of the occult community.  Below is a very stream-of-consciousness piece that I took from my personal journal focused on furthering an understanding of the spirits I work with.

I do something that I'm not sure that many others do. I incorporate the idea that the sephera are not limited by purely "holiness" and that as all other things they can have positive an negative aspects which for simplicity sake I differentiate between by referring to the negative pole of a sephera as the "lower vibration" of any particular sephera mentioned.

With this in mind, if I were to place the deities I work with on the tree of life: 

Anubis is Hod, Wepwawet (also known as Apuat) is his lower vibration. Sekhmet is the lower vibration of Hathor, who is Netzatch. Despite being on opposite sides of the reversed tree, Sekhmet and Wepwawet have something in common – they are both war deities.

Sekhmet of lower Netzatch, is ruled by her emotions. She fights, she slaughters in the name of her God, of Ra who sends her to purify the land of those who have turned their back on the gods. She is unbridled furious emotion gone out of control. Her rage consumes her and the “reason” is forgotten.

Wepwawet is also a war deity, but while Anubis carries the truth, the pure knowledge of Hod, Anubis is a more gentle and kind protector, like cool flowing water. Wepwawet of lower Hod is the cold calculating knowledge combined with the blazing hot sun. His heart is in his work. He is the calculating war general. People are pawns for war and to him everything/everyone is expendable except for the purpose he is summoned for (and himself) He does what he is tasked to do, but he will do it in the most simple and logical way, which may or may not involve harming others. Unlike Anubis he is more egotistic, and as he is a bearer of knowledge of logic, it wouldn't be inaccurate to say that he always has to get the last word, and always has to be correct in everything.

Do not misunderstand, there is no mal-intent here, and this isn’t to say that he is completely without emotion, but calculated plans are more important to him than emotion. Both Anubis and Wepwawet will “open the way” but Anubis is more keen to grasp and take into account the underlying desires that you may or may not voice. This is simply my opinion based on what I have encountered. I understand it may be different for others.

Looking at Wepwawet and Sekhmet, their purviews cross as solar war deities, but very unlike Wepwawet, once Sekhmet is set loose no reason is needed anymore. Everyone is ripe for the slaughter. If I had to phrase it more simply, Sekhmet is Instinct, Wepwawet is Thought. 

“But Silv!” You may ask, “What about your experiences with Sekhmet where she wasn’t a bloodthirsty rage-lion?”

My response would be that this doesn’t invalidate that, because Hathor and Sekhmet are two sides of the same coin. Sekhmet is a goddess of emotion, of devotion. Hathor is not a killer; Sekhmet is and can easily get caught up in the power of emotion and forget reason. This doesn’t mean that she is “always” in a state of perpetual bloodlust, but unlike Hathor that is still in her nature regardless.

I found myself wondering where the other gods would fit in the tree of life…. Then I realized that there could be other gods that can still be ruled by the same influences as Anubis/Wepwawet Hathor/Sekhmet! Why am I limiting myself to one god or goddess ruled by one Sephera? Hell, It’s been more or less clear that Bast/Sekhmet overlap in some ways. Other aspects of the same god/goddess could still be covered as well. It shows how a simple change of perspective can turn things on their head. ( I wonder where Hermanubis would fall? Hmmmm)

Despite this, I have no idea if putting other gods/goddesses under the same Sephera would be accurate, and I have yet to seriously look at whether it would work it is only up for consideration because I feel it’s something that should be considered.

Does this mean I have to throw out my theory of where these Egyptian gods and goddesses fit on the Tree of Life? Nope. This just gives me more to work with, and tells me that I might want to take a closer look at things.

Over the years my study has been leading me deeper and deeper into the beautiful clusterfuck intricacies of Ancient Egyptian cosmology.  One of these days I need to take an actual academic course in Egyptology. I’m sure I could learn so much more about the beliefs and every day life of these people, and how they interacted with and viewed their gods. Books, and the Internet are wonderful, but there’s just so much out there!

As wonderful as UPG is, I find it even more satisfying to back up UPG with solid academic facts. After a chat with Anubis (or others) I always check academic sources to see if there is anything that backs up new “knowledge” I might have obtained from what would otherwise be considered a voice in the head of a girl who thinks she might talk to Ancient Egyptian gods. My experiences in this regard have grown much stronger over the past six months, and validation has become a necessity to make sure I keep myself in check.

Wanting academic validation does not invalidate faith, and having faith doesn't invalidate logic. I’ve heard this before, and I think it’s foolish. Spirit communication isn’t always clear. One “word” can mean many different things depending on context in my experience, and sometimes multiple meanings are inherent in a single thing. Checking for validation can correct you where you might have misunderstood something, or even give you more information that for whatever reason wasn’t communicated. 

 We are our own worst enemy, and it's important to remember this when on a magical path. Its easy to get caught up in wanting to be right, to the point that you can't admit when you're wrong... and believe me I could be wrong about everything ;)

I'm a Mage

A few weeks ago, I started doing more work to get what I need out of the universe.
I'll be honest, despite calling myself a "Mage" for the better part of my teenage years and up until recently, I hadn't really applied myself when it comes to asking the universe for things. I didn't ask for money, I didn't try to control my environment, or influence much of anything. I healed friends, did readings to try to understand what forces were at play in my life and the lives of others when things got hairy.

Yeah I did my shapeshifting thing, chatted with Anubis now and then, did my LBRPs... but the most I really did to deliberately influence the world around me was work with Fotamecus to do things like make the day go by more quickly when I was bored/having a bad day, or slow things down when the sun was rising and I needed to actually get a decent bit of sleep before class. I've never really seen the need to go after money or to establish myself as master of my domain....and then I stepped into the adult world, and shut the door on the people who kept throwing money at me before, in an attempt to control me, and keep me from taking the steps that I needed to. Before long, I was at the mercy of the universe because I dared to do the right thing, and worked my ass off to grow into a better and stronger person.

I once was afraid of the idea of summoning spirits for help, of delving too deeply into this world, out of fear that I would go insane like so many others I know who've pursued the path of magic over the years and lost their abilities to live normally in society. Somehow after being on the brink of losing myself and nearly everything I cared for(combination of a bad prescription for a health issue and lots of real life drama earlier this year that I've been pulling myself out of) I've hit a point beyond what I had experienced before. I shattered when my world did.... but I was able to build myself up again. My own perception of myself and the people around me has shifted in a significant and life-changing way that I can't begin to explain. There's more...depth to everything, and I've become significantly aware of more of the layers of cause and effect in the world, which in turn has boosted my empathy, and brought me back to a point that I thought I had lost when I was a child. The world seems more full of color and wonder. I won't call it innocence, because I'm not so naive; but there's something to this world that I think I lost my understanding of on the way. 

I'm learning how to just BE again, but not in a way that means I won't work my ass off to protect myself and those I care about. There seems to be an idea in the world right now that negativity in our lives is of our own making, and some apparently will even go as far to say that if someone is being attacked, that it's their karma, and that the Magician should do nothing.... and I want to call bullshit on that. Is it my fault that I was born into an abusive household? Is it my young nephew's fault that his father thinks it's ok to put a shock collar on his neck as a form of punishment? Fuck no it isn't!

Is it someone's fault when they gamble away all of their money instead of paying a mortgage and taking care of their family? You bet! In the first situation, any responsible, GOOD person, should interfere, and though to this day I have no idea about the state of my nephew because I was forced to cut off ties with my toxic family, I did my damnedest behind the scenes to point authorities in the right direction, to open an investigation with the California State Department of Children's Services. I did what I could. I have no regrets.

 I wish someone had worked half as hard to get me out of my situation as a child instead of pretending my parents were lovely sane people. Maybe if they had, I wouldn't have been forced into a cosmetic surgery at 9 years old, the effects of which now allow me to use my legs as barometers, and sometimes leave me nearly crippled a few weeks out of the year. Anyone who says that I brought that situation upon myself, can take that opinion and shove it. I didn't subconsciously want to have my legs ripped open, broken, and have bolts shoved in them so I could spend the rest of my life wondering if I'd be able to walk or carry something the next day. Who the fuck would?

There's a point when the "everything negative in your life happens because of you" ends, and I think we as magicians really need to realize this. If you believe that, and you allow others to be harmed because it's "their karma" you need to look in the fucking mirror and realize that what you're experiencing is sociopathic behavior and thinking that you're somehow "more enlightened" because of it, is bullshit. Yeah I'm sure I'm going to get some flack for this, but frankly I don't give a damn, because I actually stand up for what I believe in, instead of hiding behind false hypocritical ideals. I'd be doing myself, and those in my life, physical and spiritual, a disservice to do otherwise.

I'm a Mage damn it, and so I'm going to do my damnedest to grow into the best person I can be. There is no going back, and no reason to. There's nothing to do but go forward, and establish my personal domain. The first steps have already been taken, and things are moving into place beautifully. All I had to do was ask, be honest with myself, and put forth the appropriate effort.

Dealing with Troubles

When following your own magical path, there are plenty of times when you look at yourself and say "What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Should I incorporate certain rituals or ideas into my practice?"

After a lot of changes in my life happened all at once, I've begun seriously looking at what I do, and why I do it. I've been considering it may be time to work with more of the Egyptian Pantheon, and to also re-kindle my relationship with Sekhmet. I know I could use her lessons again, especially as I build myself up from the ground up again. Anubis has been an ever- present influence in my life since things took a nose dive a few months ago. I feel like this has certainly helped hold me together, and assisted in guiding me through the darkness that appeared in my life. There are times I am uncertain whether I am speaking with this entity, or whether I'm simply mad. What I do know is that when I speak with him, sometimes it feels like he answers.

 His answers are not spoken words, but images, ideas, impressions that suddenly appear nebulous in my mind, that have to be translated layer by layer into something that can be understood by words. Sometimes the answers are hard, sometimes they are painful, sometimes they're encouraging... but they always seem to end up representing the stark reality of existence, whether good or bad. If I am beating myself up over something foolish, I'm essentially told so. If I'm missing important details and acting like a dog chasing its tail... its the same. I am never given the answers to these situations, but always encouraged to seek them out. It sort of feels like that moment when you're doing a reading, flip a card over, and a lightbulb comes on, and suddenly more of the world makes sense. Perhaps if I'm mad, I don't want to be sane... but back to what this entry was originally going to be about.

A lot of people in my life seem to have some element of working with Ancestors in their practice. I find myself drawn to the idea, but unable to approach it. I come from a a family who I have cut my ties to, a family that was deaf to my suffering, my abuse at the hands of my parents, and the abuse of my nephew by his father.

It was a family that never seemed to care about anything but pretending to be a family, getting together to drink expensive wine and cocktails (or at least I assume it was expensive) and feast on Thanksgiving turkey and cured hams. Atrocities against the children or the women in my family were ignored, and everyone seemed to believe that they actually deserved the violation of mind and body that was received.  My childhood was anything but happy, even if I did usually have enough food to eat, and a roof over my head. I never heard stories about those who had passed on in the family, and it seemed that talking about the family tree was mostly taboo. (I have my suspicions as to why, but what mixed blood runs where in my family I'm not sure about) Considering I have cut my ties to those who are still living...mainly for my own safety (and what little sanity I have left) I wonder if approaching my ancestors is even safe. I wonder if they were even good people, if I would get a response, and if it would be one that I actually desired.

I find myself drawn to the idea regardless, out of a sort of romanticism. The idea of being able to have "family" where I feel myself to have none (other than chosen family) and there is certainly a hole in my heart from cutting people out of my life who have done almost nothing but harm me. Maybe it's some kind of Stockholm syndrome shit or something. It seems silly, but more than half of my life was spent with these people, and that's a hard thing to shake. Two years of giving them the middle finger by ripping up checks sent in the mail to try to win me over, moving and changing my name won't change that. The hole is still there, and I wonder if this is how to close it, to close the old chapters of my life and to move forward.... but I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what ancestor spirits are like. I don't even know if this would help with what I want it to help. I'm not going to assume the new age idea of these people who have passed on somehow being completely accepting and beings of light. I know better than to make assumptions when it comes to magic, and I think before I can take the idea beyond an idea I need to find out if it's even remotely a good idea.

I'm not sure what to do here, and I welcome the input of anyone who has experience in this area.

Unexpected

Just when you think you know what's going on, just when you think you've made the right choices, life throws a curve-ball that makes you go "what the fuck just happened, and where did these all of these skid marks come from?"

That's kind of how my life feels right now. It's like for months I've been moving forward, looking at the world in a very specific way, and suddenly someone turned on the lights. I've been pulling the 8 of wands a lot lately, along with the Moon. Maybe that has something to do with those skid marks I mentioned. I kept going one way, then another, and I was so sure I understood what was going on. There's always layers to these things though, and in my arrogance I missed my own self-deceptions.

Needless to say, when the Moon is involved, things are never as they seem. I was so caught up in what I thought was going on, that I failed to realize just how bizarre the situation I was in was. My life is full of bizarre, I'm a Magician after all. I figured I would recognize bizarre when I saw it. I knew "something" was off, but failed to actually say "maybe its me" until a higher voice essentially
came to me and said "STOP!" right when I was about to put together some more capsules full of the herb my herbalist had prescribed to me for some health issues.

Once I actually stopped, I remembered.  Those herbs I was mixing up? I'd done a little bit of research on them before I started taking them. Side effects were uncommon, but when they did happen, they were pretty nasty, and included things like anxiety, paranoia, and depression. Then it all fell into place. The light came on, and I saw how I'd been destroying my life with misguided suspicions, and unreasonable fears. I saw how I'd been running one way, put on the brakes, and then started running another way. I had known that there was a problem, but....once you get wrapped up in that kind of mental state, that kind of paranoia and fear, you can forget that problems often come from within and not always from other people.

My herbalist hadn't even told me that this herb HAD side effects like that. I guess that should have been warning sign number one. But when you have a health issue and conventional medicine hasn't helped, I guess desperation can cloud judgement. Tony was supposed to help me watch out for these symptoms, but we both forgot, so I can't really blame him.

I guess the lesson I've learned from this, is that when things don't make sense, don't keep charging ahead out of desperation. I had the tools I needed, but because I was already convinced I knew what was going on, I didn't use them properly. Part of being a Mage is seeing through the illusions, the self-deceptions, and finding the Truth.  Sometimes the truth is embarrassing, but that doesn't keep it from being the truth. The spirits in my life can help me to see clearly, but in the end its up to me whether or not I see the information given for what it is.

The Path to Freedom

When we discover that the cages that we are in are of our own making, even when we know it, it can be difficult to leave them. The things that are familiar are comfortable, and we as humans struggle against the unknown. Again with the struggling instead of the trusting in the universe, instead of taking the reigns, or being forced into making a lock-pick if you are unable to locate a key.

The path to freeing ourselves from ourselves is a tricky one! First we have to see that we're trapped, and then we have to make ourselves care enough to do something about it. This could be as easy as valuing Truth above all else, and living in a way that strives to make us better and stronger people. Or it could be a convoluted mess of tangles and snarls; like a long string of yarn that after years of being unnoticed, is suddenly discovered in a terrible knot under the sofa. You discover it when you need it, and then it becomes a problem you have to fix.  Such is life.

We may have to drag ourselves, kicking and screaming until a solution is found to untangle the mess of our own lives. In my case, loving someone and knowing when to let them go has been a huge challenge. It doesn't matter how much you read the tarot, throw your runes, or ask the universe for prophetic dreams- matters of the heart, and how these tie in with our stability, our safety, and our sanity, can never be fully predicted, nor fixed with the burning of a candle, or the wave of a wand.

The "right" path becomes the path that we chose for ourselves. This I think is Karma. We walk the path of life, make our choices, and understand that there will be both positives and negatives to our choices.  But these things are our choices. We can choose to leave a poor situation, to run away without looking back, possibly hurting others in the process... but this shouldn't be the only option other than "stay in a poor situation"  As a Hermeticist I have to ask, what is the middle path? It may not seem like there is one at first, but my philosophy has always been "there is always a way, you just have to find it" and so life for the longest time in my mind was a struggle to find "the way" for every single thing that I felt I needed.While the philosophy was good, my reaction to it has been poor.

Choices have to be weighed, evaluated, and processed before the situation as a whole can be digested. What does this have to do with magic? Everything. It has to do with our Will, and understanding the universe and ourselves. Balance...temperance, is important in all things. Just as harsh choices should be avoided, if you're running on a time limit, hemming and hawing over what to do about a situation could be worse than choosing what appears to be a poor option. This understanding is a part of mastering the self, mastering fear of fear, and ultimately knowing yourself and taking control of your life.

Fear of fear is the door to self-doubt, weakness, and ultimately the downfall of the self. Sometimes you have to take that leap into the unknown. Use what trust in yourself you have, and the trust in the universe, and pray you'll fly. Sometimes you will, sometimes you'll fall anyway...but in nearly all cases, you'll always be able to get up again, no matter how many times you fall.

If you find yourself caught between extremes, take a break, and look for the middle way. You might be surprised at what you find. If I keep doing this, maybe I'll find a way out of the pit I've dug for myself, and maybe I won't hurt anyone when I claw my way up, and out to the light of freedom. Sometimes people can't help hurting others, sometimes situations mess with a person's mind... but sometimes despite that, you have to leave, you have to find a new sanctuary... because home is where the heart is, and if the heart is gone, then what remains of the home?

Down but not out

I'm back from Canada!

Things definitely didn't go as planned on that trip, but I managed to salvage what I could, as well as take some very important lessons back home with me. 

I made an unexpected business contact who I will be working with here in the states, and through his generosity, I should be able to get a work permit to work within Canada, and make more regular trips up there! It's a beautiful, beautiful country. It didn't want to let me in, but once I earned it, and was willing to take risks, put up with unexpected delays, and confront my fears, it started to feel like home.

Canada was all about learning to roll with the punches, confront myself and what I was afraid of, and trying to put the pieces together that I lost, or ripped from myself at some point in my past. It was about nostalgia and learning to move forward. My friend Victor was a wonderful host, taught me how to walk on ice without falling on my face while I was in Edmonton (my first night there I had a nasty fall, though thankfully he was there to help walk/carry me back to the apartment) 

The big thing he helped me gain though, was being able to look at myself critically, and understand when I was going into a mental/emotional tailspin, and how to prevent it from happening. As we get older, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. Some of this seems to be an American thing, but when we want things we want them NOW, and we will scramble and struggle, and grasp for a solution until we're exhausted and blue in the face.

Even as a mage, as someone who should know how to trust the universe, and manipulate the forces at play to better ourselves and bring our goals closer... it had been years since I had not treated life as a struggle, not acted like a caged animal when in a poor situation. I exhaust myself with marketing, with prospecting, when instead of fixating on something and hitting the refresh button obsessively, I should have been planning less exhaustive (and more sensible) strategies, doing things at auspicious times, taking breaks and stepping back, and not overtaxing myself when I know something isn't working or won't work. I'm a mage dammit, and I haven't been acting like it.  I've allowed others to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home, I've allowed their insecurities to fuel mine, and I've handed away the reigns for control in my life. No one took them from me, I just ceased to realize that I am responsible for how I react to things in my life.

Those two weeks in Edmonton were full of harsh realizations, but Victor helped me to realize what was going on, what I'd been doing, and how to fix it. He may have to drag me kicking and screaming until I actually find some kind of inner serenity (and he said he would if he had to) but hopefully I'll sort out how to actually relax a little and do things intelligently, going with the flow instead of always being a ball of rushed stress, and hopefully I'll be able to do that without too much kicking and screaming :) I like to think I'm off to a good start at least. The Canadian "no worries" philosophy that I was surrounded by, will definitely help reinforce that too. 

Somewhere along the way, I lost a part of myself growing up. I think we all do to some extent, and only some of us get it back. We take on ideas, personas, all in the search for who we are, for some kind of identity, and we sometimes even discard the bits and pieces that were good for us, that defined us, because we were scared. I'm going back to the beginning. I'm going back to when I started my spiritual development, back to my roots with Anubis. He has a lot more to teach me, and while Sekhmet definitely has a lot to teach me as well, I don't think I'll be able to appreciate and understand her lessons properly without a solid foundation that I can understand and raise myself from. 

Maybe I just went a little crazy on that 20 hour bus ride back from Canada. That's possible too, but I wrote stuff down, I analyzed myself like crazy, because I had nothing better to do, and I put together and analyzed all the things that have happened to me in the past few weeks. I understand where the hole in myself is, I understand where my problems are, and I've started setting goals. I'm fairly certain at this point, that the fact that all of the wifi spots on my way home mysteriously didn't work, was a plot by the powers that be to get me to write again. I've been doing daily journals, even bi-daily journals. I'm finding that when I try to shirk my meditations, or other workings in favor of internet, or in favor of something else, its getting taken away from me, like a parent taking something away from a disobedient child. Mysteriously, these things are given back to me, or other rewards are given when I do what I'm "supposed" to be doing. So it seems that I've acquired some kind of spiritual babysitter. I'm not going to complain though! It's both annoying and incredibly useful. 

While I feel like shaking my fist at the heavens sometimes, it's actually quite brilliant, and adds confirmation that I'm probably not just some mad lunatic who just thinks she sometimes gets visits from Egyptian gods :) Though why the spirits are taking such an interest in me to actually go to these lengths, I'm unclear on. Maybe it's because I'm finally ready to listen, and they know it. I certainly won't claim to know, but I will enjoy the adventure.

 

Happy New year, and all that jazz

Happy new year everyone! I'm definitely late with this one, but better late than never eh?
I'm up in the frozen north of Alberta, and I'll be here a few more days before I venture back to the states.
It's been an enlightening trip to say the least! Good friends, new friends, tearing down illusions about myself and others, lots of struggles, and creating bonds of trust has been the theme so far in the new year.

At times it's been rough, at times it's been placid, but always its been something new out here. It's a beautiful morning here in Edmonton. While my mornings here have been very lazy as a general rule, today I was nearly up with the sun. As I looked blearily out the window, I was gifted with the sight of freshly fallen snow, illuminated by the golden glow of the rising sun, and a strip of rainbow illuminating the sky next to it.

The past two weeks have been times of trial, deep introspection, and consideration for what my future will be. Some of the goals I came up here for have remained unfulfilled, and that's ok. That was a lesson too, and because of it, I was forced to look very hard at myself, my emotions, and how I have grown (or not) over the years.

If I have any resolution for the new year, it's to learn to be myself, and learn to live without fear of fear. This may mean some very very large upheavals in my life. This may mean sacrificing some of the foundation that I've built. This may mean an extreme change in direction on my priorities. It's important though. I've seen a glimpse of how far my personal rabbit hole goes, and it isn't pretty. I'm 24, and still trying to regain the positive sense of self that I had when I was 16. Something broke somewhere along the way, and I need to fix it. If I don't, the consequences will be grave, and I would be doing myself, and all those who are close to me a disservice to ignore this fact. I finally know what I need to fix, and it won't be easy, but I'm going to do it.

I have a lot planned for the new year. I already know it will be a year of struggle, but I will take those struggles and transform this year into a year of discovery. That, is my resolution, and my promise, for the new year, and I won't let myself settle for anything less.