Breaking the Silence

I've come a long way since January of this year, and a long way over the last few years. Some of my posts I look back on and think "man that was stupid of me, how could I have thought that?" But that's the point of keeping a blog like this- to show myself how I've been evolving, and to show others what it looks like to live this kind of life.

 Last night was a time of change, and it was a change that needed to happen- I broke up with someone who I loved dearly, but who has failed to show me the right kind of support over the last few months. Strangers had shown me more support as I struggled to understand my emotions and the trauma I recently went through, and I could feel the emotions of the people reaching out to me, and their concern.. but he wasn't there, and he was the one person who should have been... but ever since I've gone deeper down the rabbit hole, ever since after this last January when I took a spiritual journey to Canada, a light switch came on, and suddenly I didn't need to drop into deep trances anymore to communicate with the spirits in my life.

It overwhelmed me. I went from being in an altered state from lack of sleep on a greyhound bus coming home from Canada and chatting with Anubis because I discovered I could, to something falling into place and this becoming my norm. (not that he's super chatty in the first place, but I certainly heard a lot from him the first week when I was getting used to everything) I was unsure whether I had gone crazy, and with my relationship already strained from other circumstances surrounding my SO's lack of belief in my practices... things steadily approached the breaking point.

I have been checking myself for months to make sure that I'm not schizophrenic, or having some other kind of delusion. When I've been told something in my mind that I couldn't know otherwise, I check the sources. This has been everything from knowledge of herbs for healing/dulling pain, to historical/religious information, to warning me of trouble. The entity claims to be Anubis, "looks" like him, and has even been giving me magical advice in various situations, helping me to come to new techniques that I wouldn't have otherwise. At first I considered that this might be some kind of entity trying to trick me, but this has been months now, the feeling of his energy is the same as it always has been over the years.

I feel strange talking about this, but I feel like it's time to break the silence on this matter. Something happened, and I'm not sure what. Yes some things in Canada rattled my world, rattled my perception of it...but it seems strange to me that such mundane things would reflect on a magical level, as I've never had anything happen like this before on such a scale.

Something opened up my perception to another level. I can feel, I can hear, and in my mind's eye I can sometimes see the spirits/gods I'm working with, and I don't really have words for my emotions surrounding this. Awe? Fear that I could still be wrong, and this could just be some kind of protective delusion created by the mind of a girl who has been hurt one too many times? I don't know. I have no road map, and I can only try to be vigilant and balanced in all that I do.