Goodbye 2012, Hello Adventure!

I've always found that for me, winter is a time of looking back at where I've been, and who I've been...and looking more closely at who I've grown into. This usually starts around my birthday in November, and the trend continues prominently into the coming new year.

2012 has been a year of trials, heartbreak, fear, and scrambling to survive both inside and outside. I feel like maybe I've somehow come of age. 25 years old, somehow feels like I'm more "adult" than when I turned 18 and crafted my plans of escape into the real world, free of the trappings of my parents dangerous eccentricities, so that I could breathe and find myself.

Ever since last January when I broke through the blocks of my own fear and uncertainty and made spirit communication so much more....simple than it was before.. I've been focused more intently than ever on who I am, why I do the things I do, and ultimately who I want to become.

Some people close to me have started calling me a "priestess" and I don't know if I like that or not. Titles come with baggage, expectations, or at least that's how I feel. I'm not trying to be anyone other than myself. I owe myself at least that much after what I've put myself through the past couple of years. I'm not sure what that title actually means or if I want it. What guidance I've given people over the years has been simple, and usually I let people find their own answers. Answers come from within the SELF not from me. Have I provided aid and comfort to friends with wounded hearts and souls? Have I helped protect those close to me and taught them the bare bones basics of how to cleanse their homes and protect themselves? Yes. Again it all makes me wonder what Priestess actually means, when I do these things as myself, and as a friend.

2012 was all about putting my journey into perspective in a way that I could understand. It brought to light old pains and sorrows, and forced me to deal with harsh realities. It forced me to grow up in a way that I thought I had, but I was mistaken in that. And in those moments of pain and suffering, in those moments when I was at my lowest, I found those who truly care for me, and those who made false promises, and abandoned me when I needed them most. Some of the people who stood there and offered open arms surprised me with their gentleness. I know the people I should truly value in my life now beyond the others. Despite the suffering that I had to endure for that to happen, I'm thankful that I'm no longer chasing shadows and sweet voices crafting illusions for my mind and heart.

I've also discovered that when you're at your lowest, even if you're not someone to take risks, its easy to leap for something new even when you heart is raw. That's half the reason I'm in Pennsylvania right now. I came out here to check the market for clients out this way, and to do some work with people who had already shown interest... but I also came out here because when I was at my lowest, I felt something in someone that I had never felt before.

A good friend who I had known for a...long time, but who had never shown a gentle side, was there for me after I was assaulted a few months ago. He called me every few hours to check on me and make sure I was ok, and he saw through my own lies to myself that I was doing fine. It wasn't some kind of subversive ploy, or comforting words with nothing behind them... there was...a level of love and care in what he was doing, in every word, and every second he took to comfort me and help me find my strength...and it was a level I had never felt before. Somehow, despite how hurt and betrayed I was feeling from...lots of things, somehow I trusted him without question, and knew every word and every emotion I felt from him was sincere.

 While our choice of techniques in magic have always been very different, he's never looked down on me or tried to change me for it, or anything else. My ex...never really was good with empathy. This whole situation helped me to realize how much he'd checked out emotionally. And while I knew it was a huge risk, a few months after I broke up with my ex, I decided to come out here and see how this good friend and I actually connected. We live on completely opposite coasts, but...after staying in his home for two weeks, I genuinely think there's a chance, and there's also mutual interest.

We've worked magic together, had fun with random shenanigans in the woods, including but not limited to snow ball fights, building fire pits in the woods (I built a nice big stone circle for the fire, and it was right next to a river, and it was very damp out, so it was perfectly safe) and even though I got sick and was in bed for nearly a week and managed to hurt my leg, he helped take care of me without complaint and always had hot tea handy.

I'm also making plans to purchase a boat to eventually live on, back in the Seattle-area. Yes I might be going crazy, but if I am, I think I like it...because it's the kind of crazy that brings new adventures into my life, because I'm not afraid of being alive, and because I know which people in my life actually have room for me in their lives. I know which people in my life I should treasure, though thankfully most of them I did already.

 I think the only way to establish my "Kingdom" is to know that it doesn't have anything to do with having lots of money (though that can be nice) but has everything to do with establishing "myself" and being someone that I can be proud of- something that I think the people and spirits in my life would agree with.

So here's to 2012, the year of pain and challenges which helped me to discover what actually matters in life...and here's to the coming 2013 which promises to be very interesting indeed. Perhaps in the next few months, you'll see me blogging from my future yacht. 

Here's to life, the people in my life I cherish, and to adventure!

Lady of the Flame

As the days grow longer, and the air grows colder, I find myself going over the year's events in my mind; the good, and the bad. I think of the choices I made, the cause and effect that brought such things about, and what I can do better in the future, for myself and for others.

I've known that I needed to get back in touch with Sekhmet for some time now, but for one reason or another kept putting things off. I wanted to have the blade completed before I called on her again, but it wasn't in the cards. Something from my recent past came back to haunt me however... and I knew in that moment that I could wait no longer.

Nothing had been done with my assault case. I know that because the person who did it had the gall to contact me, from the phone number I provided to the police, to ask if I wanted to "work" with him again... and yet they claim they don't have enough information to find the guy, and that they're busy working on "more important things" and basically aren't allocating even enough time to find out who the phone number belongs to.

Now, I've had self esteem issues for years. I've questioned what "right" I have to raise my power against others off and on. But by the gods, I was angry! And damn did it feel good. No flashbacks, no "I should have done this, I could have done that" no feelings of fear or vulnerability... just raw, primal fury. The reason I made the police report in the first place wasn't for "my" sake, but for the sake of others who might get reeled in by him- I KNOW he's hurt other people before, and I sure as hell doubt I'll be his last... but apparently my word means nothing to the police. Maybe it's because I'm female. Maybe it's the nature of my work. The bottom line here though is that the "why" doesn't matter. What matters is that nothing is being done.

What does this have to do with Sekhmet? Everything. Sekhmet is the vengeful Will of the gods. She's the fires of anger and passion that judges without mercy. She is strength, her very name is derived from the word Sekhem, the ancient Egyptian word for power, and might.  She takes action for what is, not what might be. I spend too much time worrying about whether any action I take in any situation is Just. I look so closely at situations that I lose the big picture entirely, to the point where the essence of the situation becomes skewed and meaningless. - I need her type of thinking in my life- action not reaction. But it had been months since I had summoned her, and the last time I had, I had tried to use her power for something...that looking back on it... was frankly really petty and I paid the price for it.

I had no completed blade to come to her with, and wasn't sure how I should approach the situation. So I decided to kill two birds with one stone- I had been meaning to get back into painting, so I pulled out a pile of blank paper and a pencil, and I sketched out a couple of ideas. Once I had something I liked, I decided to get started on the actual painting. I spent a few hours here and there, losing myself in my work. I was determined to paint the best picture I have ever done, and to dedicate it to Sekhmet as a show of my devotion to her Mysteries.  Sometimes it felt like I had a pair of feline golden eyes watching me, staring into my soul as I worked. I gave myself a deadline, and stuck to it.

Once it was completed, I waited until the noonday sun was at its peak, and then I called her. I burnt incense for her, I lit a special candle for her, and I offered the painting to her, placing it on the wall above my altar. My altar room was dark except for the light from the bright red candle, and the eyes on the painting seemed to glow from the candlelight. I sat in front of the altar in the dark with her, and we talked for a bit; though mostly she was silent. I confirmed that we were on decent terms, she gave me a few choice words about things I need to do in my life, and that was pretty much that.

The painting itself easily is one of the best I've ever done, if not the best- so I definitely met that goal. The blade? Well I still plan on making it, but I've decided to wait until I have better materials and resources to create the handle. Finances are a little tight as always, but lately they're tight for the right reasons- things like saving money for plane tickets so I can travel and work and build new relationships with clients, and so that I can get health insurance when I get back from my trip to Pennsylvania :)

With that said, casting a handle in copper or bronze and plating it with gold, is a little out of my current price range.  I just feel like cold casting would have been a lot of trouble and money for something that wouldn't turn out as nice as something done "right" involving pouring molten copper and gold- something born from heat and fire. It just feels like for Sekhmet, there NEEDS to be fire involved. Anything less just feels wrong, or half hearted at best.

But for now, contact has been re-established, and I'll be working with her more closely. I will also be making contact with Hathor, so that I may know them both, and learn to balance my passion in anger, with my passion in the arts, and all other things. It's something that's been missing from my life. It comes in spurts, but sporadically. I'm aiming to fix that, and to bring myself more into balance :)

Oh, and here's a photo of that painting I did-

That's all for now. I may be silent until after the new year. Got lots of exciting stuff coming up :)