Goodbye 2012, Hello Adventure!

I've always found that for me, winter is a time of looking back at where I've been, and who I've been...and looking more closely at who I've grown into. This usually starts around my birthday in November, and the trend continues prominently into the coming new year.

2012 has been a year of trials, heartbreak, fear, and scrambling to survive both inside and outside. I feel like maybe I've somehow come of age. 25 years old, somehow feels like I'm more "adult" than when I turned 18 and crafted my plans of escape into the real world, free of the trappings of my parents dangerous eccentricities, so that I could breathe and find myself.

Ever since last January when I broke through the blocks of my own fear and uncertainty and made spirit communication so much more....simple than it was before.. I've been focused more intently than ever on who I am, why I do the things I do, and ultimately who I want to become.

Some people close to me have started calling me a "priestess" and I don't know if I like that or not. Titles come with baggage, expectations, or at least that's how I feel. I'm not trying to be anyone other than myself. I owe myself at least that much after what I've put myself through the past couple of years. I'm not sure what that title actually means or if I want it. What guidance I've given people over the years has been simple, and usually I let people find their own answers. Answers come from within the SELF not from me. Have I provided aid and comfort to friends with wounded hearts and souls? Have I helped protect those close to me and taught them the bare bones basics of how to cleanse their homes and protect themselves? Yes. Again it all makes me wonder what Priestess actually means, when I do these things as myself, and as a friend.

2012 was all about putting my journey into perspective in a way that I could understand. It brought to light old pains and sorrows, and forced me to deal with harsh realities. It forced me to grow up in a way that I thought I had, but I was mistaken in that. And in those moments of pain and suffering, in those moments when I was at my lowest, I found those who truly care for me, and those who made false promises, and abandoned me when I needed them most. Some of the people who stood there and offered open arms surprised me with their gentleness. I know the people I should truly value in my life now beyond the others. Despite the suffering that I had to endure for that to happen, I'm thankful that I'm no longer chasing shadows and sweet voices crafting illusions for my mind and heart.

I've also discovered that when you're at your lowest, even if you're not someone to take risks, its easy to leap for something new even when you heart is raw. That's half the reason I'm in Pennsylvania right now. I came out here to check the market for clients out this way, and to do some work with people who had already shown interest... but I also came out here because when I was at my lowest, I felt something in someone that I had never felt before.

A good friend who I had known for a...long time, but who had never shown a gentle side, was there for me after I was assaulted a few months ago. He called me every few hours to check on me and make sure I was ok, and he saw through my own lies to myself that I was doing fine. It wasn't some kind of subversive ploy, or comforting words with nothing behind them... there was...a level of love and care in what he was doing, in every word, and every second he took to comfort me and help me find my strength...and it was a level I had never felt before. Somehow, despite how hurt and betrayed I was feeling from...lots of things, somehow I trusted him without question, and knew every word and every emotion I felt from him was sincere.

 While our choice of techniques in magic have always been very different, he's never looked down on me or tried to change me for it, or anything else. My ex...never really was good with empathy. This whole situation helped me to realize how much he'd checked out emotionally. And while I knew it was a huge risk, a few months after I broke up with my ex, I decided to come out here and see how this good friend and I actually connected. We live on completely opposite coasts, but...after staying in his home for two weeks, I genuinely think there's a chance, and there's also mutual interest.

We've worked magic together, had fun with random shenanigans in the woods, including but not limited to snow ball fights, building fire pits in the woods (I built a nice big stone circle for the fire, and it was right next to a river, and it was very damp out, so it was perfectly safe) and even though I got sick and was in bed for nearly a week and managed to hurt my leg, he helped take care of me without complaint and always had hot tea handy.

I'm also making plans to purchase a boat to eventually live on, back in the Seattle-area. Yes I might be going crazy, but if I am, I think I like it...because it's the kind of crazy that brings new adventures into my life, because I'm not afraid of being alive, and because I know which people in my life actually have room for me in their lives. I know which people in my life I should treasure, though thankfully most of them I did already.

 I think the only way to establish my "Kingdom" is to know that it doesn't have anything to do with having lots of money (though that can be nice) but has everything to do with establishing "myself" and being someone that I can be proud of- something that I think the people and spirits in my life would agree with.

So here's to 2012, the year of pain and challenges which helped me to discover what actually matters in life...and here's to the coming 2013 which promises to be very interesting indeed. Perhaps in the next few months, you'll see me blogging from my future yacht. 

Here's to life, the people in my life I cherish, and to adventure!