What matters

My journey started over six months ago now.  I didn't expect to be on the east coast so long, and it was rife with challenges that were mental, physical, as well as spiritual. I'm honestly not sure I've ever dealt with challenges of this magnitude previously, and I now have.... a great deal more respect for the "simple" things in life.

Delta airlines broke my laptop. That was the start. My bag looked like it had been cut some combination of a knife and a cheese grater, and my macbook, my pride and joy I used for graphics design work...was battered and broken. I had been planning on getting back more into graphics design work after the ordeal in Phoenix, but this option was taken from me before I even landed in NY.

I was assured when I finally landed by the man behind the desk, and the nice flight attendant, that they were sure I would be compensated. I made my claim, and a week later I heard back from their office, basically saying I was SOL, because I hadn't bought insurance.

 I attempted to make a case for severe negligence (some employee ripped open my bag for fucks sake. That should be a little different than my bag getting jostled or something.) but they continued to tell me that because I hadn't bought insurance, that they didn't owe me any form of compensation, despite damage to my very ability to work....Well, shit.

Ogy took care of me where he could, but the house we were staying at was almost 3 miles out of town...and as we found out, the tap water wasn't drinkable. This wasn't a problem at first, but without our own transportation, bringing water home was a difficult chore, and the combination of eating, drinking, and throwing money at rent and utilities, eventually drained my savings. The assurance, the reason we stayed, was because we were sure that he was going to be getting hired on at a big local company in PA.

 The idea is that it would have paid enough to provide us with the funds needed to buy some land,  and built a small fortress and dedicated lodge to allow us to practice our Arts in safety and solitude, while also having dedicated space that magical groups could rent out and use for their workings.

I've also had a dream of creating a physical temple dedicated to Anubis and Upwawet, as I believe that there currently is no such standing temple in the word in modern times. This is still an idea I have, and I haven't begun to abandon any of it.... but the job never happened. The call never came, and it was always "Oh, I think we're hiring next month" ....and it went on like that for a couple of months.

All the while, food, water, and shelter became more precious to us than ever. I learned how to eat foods I never would have touched before, and developed a taste for them. For a while, I was almost eating a vegetarian diet. This isn't normal or healthy for me. I started getting sick off and on from hypoglycemia, and not having enough meat based proteins (soy makes me sick) and once I was thirsty enough that I tried drinking the sulfur-water that came out of the tap, while Ogy wasn't home to comfort me and tell me not to...and we were out of bottled water.  It led to violent retching to the point that Ogy and his housemate were ready to take me to the hospital. Thankfully I was fine. Ironically, this happened after I had just finished watching the Life of Pi.

Due to my poor diet and frequent long walks to get water, I developed more leg problems, and sometimes wasn't able to walk. I relied on Ogy to take care of me. We kept waiting for that phone call telling him he had a job. It never came. All the while, we were dealing with a prowler on the property of the trailer park we were staying in, drunkards, and crazy, schizophrenic trailer park managers with "Empty Nest" syndrome, who basically were trying to manipulate me into becoming their mini-mi, and wearing their clothes, while spreading rumors that I was a 15 year old run away,  and that Ogy was committing statutory rape. - For the record, I turn 26 this month. At the time, I found the accusations laughable, but looking back on it, it was downright chilling.

Ogy taught me how to knife fight, and on more than one occasion, we chased the pedophile prowler through the woods in the middle of the night, with swords and shotguns. It was a different reality- a reality where you had to fight to survive, a reality where I knew there was probably some pervert jacking off into the creek the neighbor kids swam in, either before or after he tried to snatch one of them through their windows at night. A place where if I went out at night alone, I knew I wasn't safe... a place where if someone wears a shirt without a bra, they're instantly labeled a "whore" ....a place where I always had to be on my guard with everything I said to anyone, the way I dressed, and how weak I let myself act when I was hungry or thirsty.

I had planned to go to Ogy to recharge after Phoenix.... to find myself, to gather my strength again....and to just be safe. I thought I was running away from the dark underbelly by leaving modeling behind, by going somewhere different. But I wasn't, and I didn't. It found me at every turn...and it was never out of the corner of my eye- it was already right in front of me.

I started talking to my spirits again...for some reason it seemed like my "hearing" was deafened in Phoenix. My senses felt shot there, useless. In the wilds of Pennsylvania, it felt clearer, despite the hardships, despite the fears. I felt like I was still missing a piece of the puzzle despite this.

I found myself in a situation where I was able to get ahold of some psilocybin mushrooms. Ogy had taken them before, and knew what to expect. I didn't. I'd listened to some Terrence McKenna, and that helped, but it still couldn't have prepared me for what happened.  Ogy and I ceremonially brewed some tea from them. We each asked the spirit within the fungi to aid us, to show us what we needed to see and to understand. We shared a mug of the brew, passing it back and forth between each other throughout the night.

I had never done psychadelics before. I'd smoked a little pot here and there to help with my aches and pains, but that had been the extent. It isn't for everyone, and I can definitely see how it could break a person, depending on their reception to the message they're given, the information they see. I'd attained similar states during sleep deprivation, deep trance work, and in the place between being awake and being asleep, so at least I had "something" to compare it to.

I can't speak of my entire experience, other than to say, that I learned what it means to be human. Without the trappings, without the externalized concepts, what humanity IS, beneath all of those layers that we put upon ourselves, and labels we try to fit ourselves to. I saw the milky way that night, in a splendor that I had never witnessed. I saw the beauty of every pen stroke, the very energy of intent that I put into a drawing or painting...and it was beautiful. I will never de-value myself or my art ever again by saying "eh, its just a crappy sketch, but thanks" whenever someone compliments my work. I know what I do is sacred, and that partaking of this essence is sacred...

But if the mushroom is abused, if you pervert the spirit of what it tries to show you... you will be pulled apart, and shown the universe inside out, you will be bitched at by the very fibers of the walls around you, and it will leave you feeling scared, and bewildered, praying for the sun to come up, instead of observing the universe in all of its splendor, beauty, and energy, and knowing your place within it. It's a delicate balance, and its one that can EASILY be tainted by your own fears, and preconceived notions of what IS.

I never saw any crazy visuals, no pretty lights or swirling colors. I was very much anchored in what was real, what was tangible. Colors were more vivid, but it was more that I became aware of a greater level of "contrast" than my eyes can normally see. It was to the point that I didn't need to use my glasses to see, a major portion of the time while I was "tripping" The universe was fascinating, and beautiful on all if its levels. What more did I need?

Will I do it again? Maybe. (I tried Amanita Muscaria just a few days ago. Very different experience, almost an opposite sort of consciousness from Psilocybin Cubensis.)But my main reason for refusing to use psychedelics in the past, is because its too often that they become a crutch. If I do, it'll be more out of a shamanic angle, but even then, it will be sparse. I've had the experience. Sure I could probably learn more, but what I "needed" was taken care of. I'll know when the time is right to go back to that current, and see what it has to teach me. It's definitely not now.

But what is it that matters in life? I used to think I knew. I used to think that I understood... but life is life. It's easy to say it just IS, but it's so much more than that. It's everything.

Sometime after all the worst had hit me, after Ogy was there for me without question... beyond....anything I could have asked of anyone, we proposed to each other in a round about sort of way, and knew beyond a doubt that we could care for each other through the thick and the thin, sickness and health, crazy landlords, lack of water, and vomit caked sheets. Because what matters goes beyond whether we have food or water, beyond whether we're sick or healthy...it has to do with experience, it has to do with the spark of life itself, and how we cherish it...not how we fight and struggle through it.

What matters is something that we search for, something that we often think we've found, and then find we haven't....because its always changing, just as we are always changing. What matters is what matters. Maybe that's all there is to it...and that's ok by me. Despite that, I'll never stop searching, and when I do, it'll be because that too doesn't matter anymore...and that's ok too. Because its beyond that, beyond words, maybe even beyond essence, because we can only know what we know we know.

I only know that I'm back in Washington, that I'm safe, that I'm loved, and that I'm alive...and right now that's what matters, despite the hardships that are just over the horizon.