Followers

Holy crap, I have followers! When did that happen? Oo'
Hi followers :D If anyone else actually reads this blog, feel free to say hi.

An Update, finally, right?

Yesterday I got to see ConjureMan for the first time in a long while. I hadn’t seen him in about six months, and it seems like every time we work something out, our time meddling in the affairs of mortals together is cut short :P

For once though, he made it up to my neck of the woods. We didn’t get a chance to spend a lot of time together, but we talked a lot, and went to a semi-local zoo to gawk at the animals in the rain :) It was nice to actually be able to hang out with him alone so we could talk properly. I’ve considered him one of my closest friends for years, and it’s always a little awkward when you’re stuck with other people.  We talked shop about the occult, traditionalism VS. non-traditionalism, staying safe, and his personal approaches to conjuring and working with what some would consider unfriendly spirits. I hadn’t laughed so hard in ages, as when he compared summoning a spirit while threatening to torture it etc. with stepping off of an airplane swinging a sword at people. Who the hell is going to treat you like a sane person worth being friendly with if you pull that shit, right? So treat your spirits like respectable beings, and don't act like you're a terrorist :) Thankfully in the few times I've approached entities, that's always been my approach, more or less anyway, minus other elements of traditionalism, but you work with what you have, and hopefully you get results.

While I hadn’t really considered it before, I also realized one of the reasons I haven’t fully “dedicated” myself in recent years to much deeper magical practice, is because I’m unsure of whether or not I’m mentally stable enough to undertake things at this point. I’m still very emotionally raw from a lot of issues in my past, and about issues regarding my physical health, and how that ties in to things that people I should have been able to trust (family) has done to me. I will never be able to have normal function in my legs because of the surgery I was forced into when I was a child. Any health problems I have involving my legs are structural. The bolts and plates in there are there to stay. Exercise, and strengthening the muscles and gaining more elasticity will help, but only so much, in only so many ways.

If I had someone local who I could consider a friend and mentor, who I actually knew has been through at least as much hell as I have, and not lost their marbles (more than I have ;) ) and had good magical results, I’d totally jump into things more quickly. The issue is that I KNOW I don’t know as much as it may look like I do, and I’m not comfortable with experimenting willy nilly with forces that I don’t completely understand. Magick has consequences. It can be dangerous, and not every spirit wants to give you a hug. Sure I’ll work with Anubis and Sekhmet. (she isn’t into hugs either, though Anubis will spare a bit more sympathy).  Sure I’ll do some money magic here and there, and work to improve things in my life. Sure I’ll project over to a buddy on the other side of the country to check out what their energy is like, and maybe do some healing work if they request it.

I’ve certainly made magick a part of my life, and I’ve been taking it farther as I branch out more over the years. A lot of it has been about personal development, making myself strong enough to face my inner demons, my fears, and to take control of my emotions so that they don’t control me. (I had a terrible temper when I was younger, but thankfully I’ve moved on from trying to throttle people, and on to more civilized methods of dealing with people.) Some of the important lessons I figured out on my own, others I’ve learned more recently from Sekhmet. They’re little things, but they add up to something bigger. “Stand up for what you believe in, fight when you believe you’re right, stand tall and keep your head up, don’t make yourself look weak or small to avoid confrontation, don’t be afraid of confrontation, sometimes it’s needed” these are just a few. Keys on how to present myself, to be safe, to be successful, to gain more confidence in myself and my abilities.

I’m rambling at this point though. Hopefully my next entry won’t be so long in coming. Things have been crazy, but they’re still good.

I almost died yesterday

Yes, you read that correctly. I'm still in shock over it myself, and how easily my unpleasant experience could have been prevented if I had understood what was going on. So what happened?
I wish I could have said it was something awesome, like getting sucked into another world where I was some kind of hero, and playing Narnia and nearly getting killed in the process, or fighting off a demonic horde. We all want our deaths, and near-deaths to be something we can be somewhat happy with in the end. (or at least I do)

So what DID happen? The answer is simple: dehydration. I hadn't recovered from all the hard work I did moving furniture, or the stress of moving, and then it got hot. For some reason I didn't realize how thirsty I was, even when I had something to drink. I'd been feeling tired, figured it had to do with the birth control meds I was taking, dosed myself up on caffeine, went on a modeling gig, the photographer bought me a frappe, and six hours later when I get home, and go to the store with Tony (Erelin) I have sudden numbness/tingling and leg pain, I sit down trying to handle it, and suddenly my vision went fuzzy like a bad tv. Tony managed to get me half-way out of the store before I went completely blind. It was total darkness. I managed to keep myself from passing out, helped by Tony repeatedly telling me to stay with him. We got outside, and within a couple of minutes, my vision started returning. Everything was black, but I was suddenly able to vaguely discern shapes in the darkness. Eventually it all came back, and everything was ok.

During the experience, I genuinely thought I might be dying. My hearing was going in and out, my sense of touch, including ability to feel temperature was gone, and I'd gone completely blind. I wasn't sure why I might be dying (my guess was blood clot from the birth control at the time) but I prayed to the gods, and I kept thinking to myself "Is this really it? I've barely made it anywhere, I never got very far, fuck this is a shitty way to go."

Once I recovered, and went over all of this, I had a realization. I could have died. I didn't, thank the gods, (and Tony, and the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule) but I could have. I've been putting off my magical practices and putting them off "oh, I'll just take a break, and jump into it when we get into the new place" or "hmm the house is a mess, I should really clean it, and find time to do my meditations later." It just gets so damn easy to put things off and put things off.

If I want to get ANYTHING done, I need a strict regimen. I need to put myself on a sleep schedule, I need to eat (and drink) at certain times, I need to set specific times for magical work, and stick to them. My mentality has been "I've got plenty of time, I'll get to it later" Fuck that shit, what time? I almost DIED. I don't know how much time I have. People have told me in the past "you know, you could die tomorrow" and I agreed, but I didn't ever actually grock it. I never actually consciously understood what that meant. I just smiled, nodded, and went on with my day. I have disrespected myself, and disrespected those who have tried to teach me; human and divine. For that I am ashamed.

It's pathetic that I had to almost die to actually see what I've done. 

Update on the Phoenix Goddess Temple

An update on the Phoenix Goddess Temple arrests can be found here.
It appears that I was right that they broke multiple laws. There was also a six month investigation before the raid, which showed that acts of prostitution were taking place. I'm not really surprised, and we need to realize as a pagan community that every time we see a "victim" who happens to be pagan, in the news, it doesn't always mean that they were being discriminated against.

Sacred Sexuality and the Law

If you've been following some of the latest news in the pagan blogosphere, you've heard about the raids on two pagan churches in Arizona.

As a pagan, and as a magician, I understand the power sexual energy has, and how it can be transformative if used correctly. I understand that in the distant past, there were sacred prostitutes in such places as the temples of Aphrodite. I understand that sexuality isn't something to be ashamed of, and that it can be a beautiful thing.

Regardless of this, regardless of ancient traditions, it is completely irresponsible and illegal to try to create a business around services surrounding sexual healing services. It doesn't matter if they genuinely were practicing their religion.  They took donations for their "church" for their business, which focused on providing sexual services.

Prostitution, no matter how sacred you may think it is, is illegal. I do have a lot of respect for the people who work in that arena, as I've seen bits and pieces of what that world is like, throughout my years of meeting people as a figure model. But the bottom line is, they broke the law, and weren't shy about it. I'm frankly disgusted at how many people are saying we need to rally behind these people who were arrested, for blatantly breaking multiple laws, all because they had "goddess" in their name, and claimed to be a part of the pagan community.


Besides breaking the law by taking money for sexual services, many of these people also called themselves councilors, and offered "counciling" services.  From what I have heard, none of these people had a degree in anything, from any remotely accredited or respected institution. It is also illegal (though the law varies by state) to claim to provide psychological services when you have no degree or license to practice in that area. At most, some of these women had semi-formal massage training. (I say semi-formal, because the school in question that provided them with instruction is no longer in existence)

As pagans, we need to not rally behind these people, but distance ourselves from them! This is NOT a case of religious discrimination. This is NOT a case of gender discrimination, patriarchy, or whatever other discriminatory bullshit you choose to label this with. If you disagree, feel free to go back to your burning times conspiracy theories. Laws were broken, and the police had every right to arrest these people involved. Period, end of story, until I see something solid in the news that says differently. By saying that we should rally behind them, you're saying that we should rally behind criminals. That isn't ok, and it makes the rest of the pagan community look bad. I'd like to think that we're smarter, and better than that.

Packing up, moving on

In the next couple of days, I'll begin the first leg of moving to a different apartment in a different town, in a different state. But for now, I'm packing up my life, and getting ready to move on. It's strange really. The last couple places I lived, I was eager to move on. I was eager to get out, and get into somewhere new. This time it's different. I've established a home here. My home is my sanctuary, and I have made it such, through both my magical work, and the fact that I've lived here comfortably for the past year and a half.

While I do look forward to living in downtown Olympia, getting back into the swing of things with college, and starting fresh in a place with even more potential...It feels strange to be sifting through everything, downsizing on everything I own, and packing up what I'm keeping. It's that feeling that you're right at a crossroads in life, and you've got things pulling you two different ways. I've got that now, and while it isn't fun, I know it's necessary. Culling the things I own, but don't need, or use is necessary, and even moreso before I take the next steps to a fresh start in a new place.

I'm greatly looking forward to establishing my new magical space in Olympia, and installing the ladder I'm going to need, to get up to the loft where I'll be practicing. I like the symbolism there too :)

Wednesday morning, I'll do a rite to clear my energy from this place, so it'll be fresh for the next person who moves in. Hopefully they'll feel as welcome here as I have.

Then it's off to near the Canadian border for a couple weeks to wait for the apartment in Olympia to be ready for us to move in. I'll be in the Seattle area off and on between the 3rd and the 14th doing some work as well, but mostly I'm going to be able to take a nice big break from things for a couple of weeks, before getting settled in at the new place.

The dangers of Imbalance

I think I'm starting to understand why so many people follow organized belief systems: It's HARD to forge your own spiritual path, and it also has the potential to be dangerous. Self discovery is hard enough, but self discovery and spiritual growth through a system that hasn't been explored and written extensively about by others..it's something else entirely.

My work with Sekhmet has taken me far, but after yesterday, I've decided that it's important that I re-integrate Anubis into my active spiritual practice if I'm going to continue to work actively with Sekhmet. Why? Because now I've integrated her into my life to the point that I've hit a tipping point. Too much of a good thing can be bad. When I first went into this path, if I had faced confrontation, my first instinct would have been to run, to avoid confrontation at all costs.

Yesterday, I was severely wronged by an individual, and this person completely messed up my life plans that I had been working on for months. I found this out through a mutual acquaintance, and I felt myself snap. I nearly had to be physically restrained by Erelin to prevent me from ripping down the door and "dealing" with the problem. The part of me that I have been cultivating through Sekhmet was at the forefront, and I wanted revenge. I wanted justice, I wanted blood. I didn't want to run away from confrontation, I wanted to run right into it, and dominate the person who had wronged me. I wanted to crush them. I felt as if my body was as hers, leonine, with great fangs, and I felt power and strength fill me along with the rage.

Let no one forget that Sekhmet is the Lion of War, and a Goddess of rage and bloodlust. I don't run from conflict anymore, I'm not afraid of it. But I should not relish it. I should not desire to crush others. This was too much. I was overcome by rage, and I had to be talked down from doing anything stupid. Sekhmet is definitely power, but she is also blind rage, and this energy has to be tempered or it will consume you. She is firey and Solar, and Anubis is watery and Lunar. To be where I need to be, I need to balance the two, and grow from that union, and from there? I don't know yet.

I understand that what I am doing, that forging my own path is dangerous, but this is what I have always done, and this is what I will continue to do, until I find something else that clicks and helps me to grow more into a stronger and better person.

As for that individual? Some magick is definitely in order.