There's been a lot of distractions, and uncertainties in my life lately. An uncertain future lies ahead of me. There are many paths I could take, but only two I'm looking at seriously. Sometimes growth means pain. It means overcoming your fears, clinging to life, knowing it's time to let the old self die, and move toward a new life, with new opportunities. Life is a beautiful struggle. When one thing gets easy, another gets harder. There's a balance that is maintained, and sometimes that leads to times when things are easy.
After weeks of struggling, I've finally reached that last place. I'm standing on the brink of a new future, staring across the expanse of the abyss before me. At this moment in time, I'm not afraid. I feel a sense of clarity that I haven't in a long time. My struggles have led to a fantastic career as a model, a confidence in myself that rivals anything I've had before, and a greater sense of self.
While I still haven't been able to set up a proper altar in my new home, for a number of reasons, it hasn't stopped me from embracing the magic in my life. I call upon Anubis and Sekhmet before I sleep, to protect me on my trips to the world of dreams, and illuminate any shadows both within, and outside of the fringes of my consciousness. I am guarded from nightmares, and my dreams seem clearer upon waking.
To help protect myself from the cold bite of winter, when I have to venture outside I see myself as a dog or wolf. The feeling of having a thick coat of fur, and rough paw-pads helps keep me warm, and brings me into a state of mind where I am alert and focused when outside. I'm keenly aware of the world around me. The sights, the smells, my hearing, my physical balance honed to its best.
I thank the spirits that died for the food I consume, and I enchant my food and drink to further grant me health and success in my endeavors.
I may not have a formalized personal space where I can do my magical work, but I live a life of magic. It is the path I walk, the air I breathe, the spirit of my resolve. It cannot be taken from me. It will not be taken from me.
The exploratory writings and magical experiences of a Hermetic Egypto-Pagan.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Shapeshift Responsibly
I have briefly mentioned in the past, that I identify as someone who feels as if they are an “animal” in a human body. I am well aware of the fact that I am human, and quite happy to to have opposable thumbs. This doesn’t change the fact that on a much deeper level, I tune in very easily with a more “primal” self. That part of myself has a non-human form in my mind. My internal symbolism seems to stay pretty consistent.
By tuning into that animal-self, I can bring myself to a different level, where I can do things I am unable to do, in a “normal” state of mind. One thing that I find this works quite well for, is enduring pain.
As a woman, and as myself in general, I experience a variety of physical pains on a number of levels. I don’t believe that animals don’t experience pain in the same way that we do. We feel the same “pain” but don’t share all of the same experiences that go along with the sensation of pain. Pain is something we fear, pain is something that we shy away from, and it is our fear and human thoughts about the pain, what is causing it, etc that makes it a different experience as a human.
Now, as humans we are still animals, but it’s difficult to reach down into ourselves and put aside human fears, and embrace the part of ourselves that knows how to just “be” despite any painful sensations that are felt.
When I need to, I’ve found that I can drop into a more animalistic state, by focusing on bringing the image of my animal-self to the forefront, and becoming that image. With this “shapeshifting” technique of sorts, I can bring the animal-self forward to deal with physical pain. Depending on what I’m doing, this can help manage the pain a lot, or a little.
I find it easier to push through pain when I’m in a state like this. I think of it a controlled “disassociation” the animal self deals with the pain, while the human self deals with higher thinking. They are both very clearly “me” despite being able to switch out these aspects as needed.
The importance here is control. The human self is not incapable of handling pain, and sometimes someone does need to evaluate how badly they are actually injured. Moving through pain isn’t always the best option, and the sensation is there for a reason. I’ve heard of lizards who will get their toenails stuck on something, keep pulling, and merrily walk away without half a toe, as if nothing ever happened.
Animals can also react badly, depending on what is causing the pain, or if they perceive someone or something, as a potential threat. The human mind should never be put away entirely, or we lose ourselves to simple reaction: fight or flight.
As this separation of human and animal is a coping mechanism I created as a child, yes I have lost myself to that sort of impulsive behavior before when working with this structure. No, it isn’t safe, and while I am certainly not a psychologist, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s this kind of disassociation, and loosing yourself within the animal-self that leads to clinical lycanthropy. I walked the edge as a child in this regard. There were times I didn’t think I was human at all, and this did affect how I viewed, experienced, and treated the world.
Messing with the mind like this isn’t safe if you don’t understand what you’re doing. (Hell, even if you THINK you know what you’re doing you probably don’t understand all the implications, I sure don’t always, though it helps that I try.) But as long as you have control, as long as you understand on some level the roles these parts of yourself play, I don’t see problems with using techniques like this to do things like dull the pain of menstruation, or keeping your body moving in the cold when you’re already sore and exhausted, and trying very hard to get somewhere safe.
“Shapeshifting” in my experience, is much more than just feeling a second skin, a second body-shape over your physical human one. I think a lot of books neglect this sort of warning. Then again, it’s possible that most people stop at the “ooh, I feel like I have wings, or a tail!” stage, and don’t push beyond that. It could just be that because I developed this sort of thing originally as a coping mechanism, that I went deeper than most people. But to me, it’s an invocation, and a connection to the more primal nature of the self. Sometimes that isn’t pretty or kind. Nature certainly isn’t.
By tuning into that animal-self, I can bring myself to a different level, where I can do things I am unable to do, in a “normal” state of mind. One thing that I find this works quite well for, is enduring pain.
As a woman, and as myself in general, I experience a variety of physical pains on a number of levels. I don’t believe that animals don’t experience pain in the same way that we do. We feel the same “pain” but don’t share all of the same experiences that go along with the sensation of pain. Pain is something we fear, pain is something that we shy away from, and it is our fear and human thoughts about the pain, what is causing it, etc that makes it a different experience as a human.
Now, as humans we are still animals, but it’s difficult to reach down into ourselves and put aside human fears, and embrace the part of ourselves that knows how to just “be” despite any painful sensations that are felt.
When I need to, I’ve found that I can drop into a more animalistic state, by focusing on bringing the image of my animal-self to the forefront, and becoming that image. With this “shapeshifting” technique of sorts, I can bring the animal-self forward to deal with physical pain. Depending on what I’m doing, this can help manage the pain a lot, or a little.
I find it easier to push through pain when I’m in a state like this. I think of it a controlled “disassociation” the animal self deals with the pain, while the human self deals with higher thinking. They are both very clearly “me” despite being able to switch out these aspects as needed.
The importance here is control. The human self is not incapable of handling pain, and sometimes someone does need to evaluate how badly they are actually injured. Moving through pain isn’t always the best option, and the sensation is there for a reason. I’ve heard of lizards who will get their toenails stuck on something, keep pulling, and merrily walk away without half a toe, as if nothing ever happened.
Animals can also react badly, depending on what is causing the pain, or if they perceive someone or something, as a potential threat. The human mind should never be put away entirely, or we lose ourselves to simple reaction: fight or flight.
As this separation of human and animal is a coping mechanism I created as a child, yes I have lost myself to that sort of impulsive behavior before when working with this structure. No, it isn’t safe, and while I am certainly not a psychologist, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s this kind of disassociation, and loosing yourself within the animal-self that leads to clinical lycanthropy. I walked the edge as a child in this regard. There were times I didn’t think I was human at all, and this did affect how I viewed, experienced, and treated the world.
Messing with the mind like this isn’t safe if you don’t understand what you’re doing. (Hell, even if you THINK you know what you’re doing you probably don’t understand all the implications, I sure don’t always, though it helps that I try.) But as long as you have control, as long as you understand on some level the roles these parts of yourself play, I don’t see problems with using techniques like this to do things like dull the pain of menstruation, or keeping your body moving in the cold when you’re already sore and exhausted, and trying very hard to get somewhere safe.
“Shapeshifting” in my experience, is much more than just feeling a second skin, a second body-shape over your physical human one. I think a lot of books neglect this sort of warning. Then again, it’s possible that most people stop at the “ooh, I feel like I have wings, or a tail!” stage, and don’t push beyond that. It could just be that because I developed this sort of thing originally as a coping mechanism, that I went deeper than most people. But to me, it’s an invocation, and a connection to the more primal nature of the self. Sometimes that isn’t pretty or kind. Nature certainly isn’t.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Not magic related, but...
Not really going to say much. I'm just going to point you towards this: http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2
That's a prosthetic I made for Halloween. Since I know not everyone reads my facebook or anything (and things get lost in the shuffle) I wanted to point this out. While I still need to do more experimenting with latex casting, I am confident that the mold I have is sufficient to start turning out sell-able prosthetic dragon faces :) The question is, would anyone be interested? Alternately, now that I know I can pull this shit off, I'm willing to take on custom prosthetic work, once I understand a little bit more about the casting of latex.
I'm sure this COULD be incorporated into magical work, but this project was more about looking cool on Halloween and pushing the limits of what I knew about sculpting and costuming.
That's a prosthetic I made for Halloween. Since I know not everyone reads my facebook or anything (and things get lost in the shuffle) I wanted to point this out. While I still need to do more experimenting with latex casting, I am confident that the mold I have is sufficient to start turning out sell-able prosthetic dragon faces :) The question is, would anyone be interested? Alternately, now that I know I can pull this shit off, I'm willing to take on custom prosthetic work, once I understand a little bit more about the casting of latex.
I'm sure this COULD be incorporated into magical work, but this project was more about looking cool on Halloween and pushing the limits of what I knew about sculpting and costuming.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Followers
Holy crap, I have followers! When did that happen? Oo'
Hi followers :D If anyone else actually reads this blog, feel free to say hi.
Hi followers :D If anyone else actually reads this blog, feel free to say hi.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
An Update, finally, right?
Yesterday I got to see ConjureMan for the first time in a long while. I hadn’t seen him in about six months, and it seems like every time we work something out, our time meddling in the affairs of mortals together is cut short :P
For once though, he made it up to my neck of the woods. We didn’t get a chance to spend a lot of time together, but we talked a lot, and went to a semi-local zoo to gawk at the animals in the rain :) It was nice to actually be able to hang out with him alone so we could talk properly. I’ve considered him one of my closest friends for years, and it’s always a little awkward when you’re stuck with other people. We talked shop about the occult, traditionalism VS. non-traditionalism, staying safe, and his personal approaches to conjuring and working with what some would consider unfriendly spirits. I hadn’t laughed so hard in ages, as when he compared summoning a spirit while threatening to torture it etc. with stepping off of an airplane swinging a sword at people. Who the hell is going to treat you like a sane person worth being friendly with if you pull that shit, right? So treat your spirits like respectable beings, and don't act like you're a terrorist :) Thankfully in the few times I've approached entities, that's always been my approach, more or less anyway, minus other elements of traditionalism, but you work with what you have, and hopefully you get results.
While I hadn’t really considered it before, I also realized one of the reasons I haven’t fully “dedicated” myself in recent years to much deeper magical practice, is because I’m unsure of whether or not I’m mentally stable enough to undertake things at this point. I’m still very emotionally raw from a lot of issues in my past, and about issues regarding my physical health, and how that ties in to things that people I should have been able to trust (family) has done to me. I will never be able to have normal function in my legs because of the surgery I was forced into when I was a child. Any health problems I have involving my legs are structural. The bolts and plates in there are there to stay. Exercise, and strengthening the muscles and gaining more elasticity will help, but only so much, in only so many ways.
If I had someone local who I could consider a friend and mentor, who I actually knew has been through at least as much hell as I have, and not lost their marbles (more than I have ;) ) and had good magical results, I’d totally jump into things more quickly. The issue is that I KNOW I don’t know as much as it may look like I do, and I’m not comfortable with experimenting willy nilly with forces that I don’t completely understand. Magick has consequences. It can be dangerous, and not every spirit wants to give you a hug. Sure I’ll work with Anubis and Sekhmet. (she isn’t into hugs either, though Anubis will spare a bit more sympathy). Sure I’ll do some money magic here and there, and work to improve things in my life. Sure I’ll project over to a buddy on the other side of the country to check out what their energy is like, and maybe do some healing work if they request it.
I’ve certainly made magick a part of my life, and I’ve been taking it farther as I branch out more over the years. A lot of it has been about personal development, making myself strong enough to face my inner demons, my fears, and to take control of my emotions so that they don’t control me. (I had a terrible temper when I was younger, but thankfully I’ve moved on from trying to throttle people, and on to more civilized methods of dealing with people.) Some of the important lessons I figured out on my own, others I’ve learned more recently from Sekhmet. They’re little things, but they add up to something bigger. “Stand up for what you believe in, fight when you believe you’re right, stand tall and keep your head up, don’t make yourself look weak or small to avoid confrontation, don’t be afraid of confrontation, sometimes it’s needed” these are just a few. Keys on how to present myself, to be safe, to be successful, to gain more confidence in myself and my abilities.
I’m rambling at this point though. Hopefully my next entry won’t be so long in coming. Things have been crazy, but they’re still good.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
I almost died yesterday
Yes, you read that correctly. I'm still in shock over it myself, and how easily my unpleasant experience could have been prevented if I had understood what was going on. So what happened?
I wish I could have said it was something awesome, like getting sucked into another world where I was some kind of hero, and playing Narnia and nearly getting killed in the process, or fighting off a demonic horde. We all want our deaths, and near-deaths to be something we can be somewhat happy with in the end. (or at least I do)
So what DID happen? The answer is simple: dehydration. I hadn't recovered from all the hard work I did moving furniture, or the stress of moving, and then it got hot. For some reason I didn't realize how thirsty I was, even when I had something to drink. I'd been feeling tired, figured it had to do with the birth control meds I was taking, dosed myself up on caffeine, went on a modeling gig, the photographer bought me a frappe, and six hours later when I get home, and go to the store with Tony (Erelin) I have sudden numbness/tingling and leg pain, I sit down trying to handle it, and suddenly my vision went fuzzy like a bad tv. Tony managed to get me half-way out of the store before I went completely blind. It was total darkness. I managed to keep myself from passing out, helped by Tony repeatedly telling me to stay with him. We got outside, and within a couple of minutes, my vision started returning. Everything was black, but I was suddenly able to vaguely discern shapes in the darkness. Eventually it all came back, and everything was ok.
During the experience, I genuinely thought I might be dying. My hearing was going in and out, my sense of touch, including ability to feel temperature was gone, and I'd gone completely blind. I wasn't sure why I might be dying (my guess was blood clot from the birth control at the time) but I prayed to the gods, and I kept thinking to myself "Is this really it? I've barely made it anywhere, I never got very far, fuck this is a shitty way to go."
Once I recovered, and went over all of this, I had a realization. I could have died. I didn't, thank the gods, (and Tony, and the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule) but I could have. I've been putting off my magical practices and putting them off "oh, I'll just take a break, and jump into it when we get into the new place" or "hmm the house is a mess, I should really clean it, and find time to do my meditations later." It just gets so damn easy to put things off and put things off.
If I want to get ANYTHING done, I need a strict regimen. I need to put myself on a sleep schedule, I need to eat (and drink) at certain times, I need to set specific times for magical work, and stick to them. My mentality has been "I've got plenty of time, I'll get to it later" Fuck that shit, what time? I almost DIED. I don't know how much time I have. People have told me in the past "you know, you could die tomorrow" and I agreed, but I didn't ever actually grock it. I never actually consciously understood what that meant. I just smiled, nodded, and went on with my day. I have disrespected myself, and disrespected those who have tried to teach me; human and divine. For that I am ashamed.
It's pathetic that I had to almost die to actually see what I've done.
I wish I could have said it was something awesome, like getting sucked into another world where I was some kind of hero, and playing Narnia and nearly getting killed in the process, or fighting off a demonic horde. We all want our deaths, and near-deaths to be something we can be somewhat happy with in the end. (or at least I do)
So what DID happen? The answer is simple: dehydration. I hadn't recovered from all the hard work I did moving furniture, or the stress of moving, and then it got hot. For some reason I didn't realize how thirsty I was, even when I had something to drink. I'd been feeling tired, figured it had to do with the birth control meds I was taking, dosed myself up on caffeine, went on a modeling gig, the photographer bought me a frappe, and six hours later when I get home, and go to the store with Tony (Erelin) I have sudden numbness/tingling and leg pain, I sit down trying to handle it, and suddenly my vision went fuzzy like a bad tv. Tony managed to get me half-way out of the store before I went completely blind. It was total darkness. I managed to keep myself from passing out, helped by Tony repeatedly telling me to stay with him. We got outside, and within a couple of minutes, my vision started returning. Everything was black, but I was suddenly able to vaguely discern shapes in the darkness. Eventually it all came back, and everything was ok.
During the experience, I genuinely thought I might be dying. My hearing was going in and out, my sense of touch, including ability to feel temperature was gone, and I'd gone completely blind. I wasn't sure why I might be dying (my guess was blood clot from the birth control at the time) but I prayed to the gods, and I kept thinking to myself "Is this really it? I've barely made it anywhere, I never got very far, fuck this is a shitty way to go."
Once I recovered, and went over all of this, I had a realization. I could have died. I didn't, thank the gods, (and Tony, and the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule) but I could have. I've been putting off my magical practices and putting them off "oh, I'll just take a break, and jump into it when we get into the new place" or "hmm the house is a mess, I should really clean it, and find time to do my meditations later." It just gets so damn easy to put things off and put things off.
If I want to get ANYTHING done, I need a strict regimen. I need to put myself on a sleep schedule, I need to eat (and drink) at certain times, I need to set specific times for magical work, and stick to them. My mentality has been "I've got plenty of time, I'll get to it later" Fuck that shit, what time? I almost DIED. I don't know how much time I have. People have told me in the past "you know, you could die tomorrow" and I agreed, but I didn't ever actually grock it. I never actually consciously understood what that meant. I just smiled, nodded, and went on with my day. I have disrespected myself, and disrespected those who have tried to teach me; human and divine. For that I am ashamed.
It's pathetic that I had to almost die to actually see what I've done.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Update on the Phoenix Goddess Temple
An update on the Phoenix Goddess Temple arrests can be found here.
It appears that I was right that they broke multiple laws. There was also a six month investigation before the raid, which showed that acts of prostitution were taking place. I'm not really surprised, and we need to realize as a pagan community that every time we see a "victim" who happens to be pagan, in the news, it doesn't always mean that they were being discriminated against.
It appears that I was right that they broke multiple laws. There was also a six month investigation before the raid, which showed that acts of prostitution were taking place. I'm not really surprised, and we need to realize as a pagan community that every time we see a "victim" who happens to be pagan, in the news, it doesn't always mean that they were being discriminated against.
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