Breaking the Silence

I've come a long way since January of this year, and a long way over the last few years. Some of my posts I look back on and think "man that was stupid of me, how could I have thought that?" But that's the point of keeping a blog like this- to show myself how I've been evolving, and to show others what it looks like to live this kind of life.

 Last night was a time of change, and it was a change that needed to happen- I broke up with someone who I loved dearly, but who has failed to show me the right kind of support over the last few months. Strangers had shown me more support as I struggled to understand my emotions and the trauma I recently went through, and I could feel the emotions of the people reaching out to me, and their concern.. but he wasn't there, and he was the one person who should have been... but ever since I've gone deeper down the rabbit hole, ever since after this last January when I took a spiritual journey to Canada, a light switch came on, and suddenly I didn't need to drop into deep trances anymore to communicate with the spirits in my life.

It overwhelmed me. I went from being in an altered state from lack of sleep on a greyhound bus coming home from Canada and chatting with Anubis because I discovered I could, to something falling into place and this becoming my norm. (not that he's super chatty in the first place, but I certainly heard a lot from him the first week when I was getting used to everything) I was unsure whether I had gone crazy, and with my relationship already strained from other circumstances surrounding my SO's lack of belief in my practices... things steadily approached the breaking point.

I have been checking myself for months to make sure that I'm not schizophrenic, or having some other kind of delusion. When I've been told something in my mind that I couldn't know otherwise, I check the sources. This has been everything from knowledge of herbs for healing/dulling pain, to historical/religious information, to warning me of trouble. The entity claims to be Anubis, "looks" like him, and has even been giving me magical advice in various situations, helping me to come to new techniques that I wouldn't have otherwise. At first I considered that this might be some kind of entity trying to trick me, but this has been months now, the feeling of his energy is the same as it always has been over the years.

I feel strange talking about this, but I feel like it's time to break the silence on this matter. Something happened, and I'm not sure what. Yes some things in Canada rattled my world, rattled my perception of it...but it seems strange to me that such mundane things would reflect on a magical level, as I've never had anything happen like this before on such a scale.

Something opened up my perception to another level. I can feel, I can hear, and in my mind's eye I can sometimes see the spirits/gods I'm working with, and I don't really have words for my emotions surrounding this. Awe? Fear that I could still be wrong, and this could just be some kind of protective delusion created by the mind of a girl who has been hurt one too many times? I don't know. I have no road map, and I can only try to be vigilant and balanced in all that I do.

Desert Healing

I spent my last week in the desert to heal and to re-gain strength and understanding after a terrible ordeal.  I spent some time up at Pine Mountain at the edge of the Great Basin. I hiked out beyond the barbed wire fence, with my trusty camera, and followed my intuition on where to go. After a bit, I reached a point that had a view unlike anything I had ever seen. I cleansed myself with the wild sage that grew there, and opened myself to the universe. The energy was incredible, and I had some spiritual encounters there, which are too personal to write about here, and it introduced me on a deeper level to some Netjer who I had been somewhat unfamiliar with.

Not only did I have some experiences which challenged and changed some of the theories I had about the entities I work with, but there was something incredible about working magic by a sliver of moonlight at the top of a volcano, overlooking completely uninhabited wilderness. (I’m normally not this dramatic, but after having a really bad time of things, I needed a boost to make myself feel awesome. And what isn’t awesome about doing spiritual work on a volcano by moonlight?)

After a couple of recent encounters with Upwawet, I’m reconsidering my ideas on trying to put the Netjer on the tree of life. While I thought it might help me to understand how they relate to each other more, and the spheres they may rule, this does not appear to be the case. While I do feel I was right about Upwawet being…darker than Anubis in his attitudes, I think the examples I gave in my previous post were exaggerated and severe compared to the actual attitude of this god.

I’m still processing a….ridiculous amount of things, and working on putting my life back together after the recent trauma. Thankfully I have people in my life who love and care about me, who are helping me through these recent events, and spirits who are willing to help me to see myself and the world as it is, and not as what I fear. 

I may write in more detail about some things later, but for now this is enough.

New Design

I futzed around in Photoshop and designed a banner/header for the blog. I also changed the width of the area for text, and I've started messing with some of the cooler features of blogger. 

What do you guys think?

More about Netjer than you can shake a stick at

The title of this blog is "Dances with Netjer" but where've the posts about Netjer been!? Here's something with bits from my personal journal to satisfy your hunger :)

 In one of my previous posts I mentioned that I'm trying to look more at other Egyptian deities, and examine my own practices more. As a Hermetic Egypto-pagan,  I felt that one way to start doing this would be to examine the basic natures of the deities who have made themselves apparent to me in my life. To do this, I began trying to look at their basic qualities, and place them on the tree of life. I backed this up with research and ideas that are already prevalent in various sections of the occult community.  Below is a very stream-of-consciousness piece that I took from my personal journal focused on furthering an understanding of the spirits I work with.

I do something that I'm not sure that many others do. I incorporate the idea that the sephera are not limited by purely "holiness" and that as all other things they can have positive an negative aspects which for simplicity sake I differentiate between by referring to the negative pole of a sephera as the "lower vibration" of any particular sephera mentioned.

With this in mind, if I were to place the deities I work with on the tree of life: 

Anubis is Hod, Wepwawet (also known as Apuat) is his lower vibration. Sekhmet is the lower vibration of Hathor, who is Netzatch. Despite being on opposite sides of the reversed tree, Sekhmet and Wepwawet have something in common – they are both war deities.

Sekhmet of lower Netzatch, is ruled by her emotions. She fights, she slaughters in the name of her God, of Ra who sends her to purify the land of those who have turned their back on the gods. She is unbridled furious emotion gone out of control. Her rage consumes her and the “reason” is forgotten.

Wepwawet is also a war deity, but while Anubis carries the truth, the pure knowledge of Hod, Anubis is a more gentle and kind protector, like cool flowing water. Wepwawet of lower Hod is the cold calculating knowledge combined with the blazing hot sun. His heart is in his work. He is the calculating war general. People are pawns for war and to him everything/everyone is expendable except for the purpose he is summoned for (and himself) He does what he is tasked to do, but he will do it in the most simple and logical way, which may or may not involve harming others. Unlike Anubis he is more egotistic, and as he is a bearer of knowledge of logic, it wouldn't be inaccurate to say that he always has to get the last word, and always has to be correct in everything.

Do not misunderstand, there is no mal-intent here, and this isn’t to say that he is completely without emotion, but calculated plans are more important to him than emotion. Both Anubis and Wepwawet will “open the way” but Anubis is more keen to grasp and take into account the underlying desires that you may or may not voice. This is simply my opinion based on what I have encountered. I understand it may be different for others.

Looking at Wepwawet and Sekhmet, their purviews cross as solar war deities, but very unlike Wepwawet, once Sekhmet is set loose no reason is needed anymore. Everyone is ripe for the slaughter. If I had to phrase it more simply, Sekhmet is Instinct, Wepwawet is Thought. 

“But Silv!” You may ask, “What about your experiences with Sekhmet where she wasn’t a bloodthirsty rage-lion?”

My response would be that this doesn’t invalidate that, because Hathor and Sekhmet are two sides of the same coin. Sekhmet is a goddess of emotion, of devotion. Hathor is not a killer; Sekhmet is and can easily get caught up in the power of emotion and forget reason. This doesn’t mean that she is “always” in a state of perpetual bloodlust, but unlike Hathor that is still in her nature regardless.

I found myself wondering where the other gods would fit in the tree of life…. Then I realized that there could be other gods that can still be ruled by the same influences as Anubis/Wepwawet Hathor/Sekhmet! Why am I limiting myself to one god or goddess ruled by one Sephera? Hell, It’s been more or less clear that Bast/Sekhmet overlap in some ways. Other aspects of the same god/goddess could still be covered as well. It shows how a simple change of perspective can turn things on their head. ( I wonder where Hermanubis would fall? Hmmmm)

Despite this, I have no idea if putting other gods/goddesses under the same Sephera would be accurate, and I have yet to seriously look at whether it would work it is only up for consideration because I feel it’s something that should be considered.

Does this mean I have to throw out my theory of where these Egyptian gods and goddesses fit on the Tree of Life? Nope. This just gives me more to work with, and tells me that I might want to take a closer look at things.

Over the years my study has been leading me deeper and deeper into the beautiful clusterfuck intricacies of Ancient Egyptian cosmology.  One of these days I need to take an actual academic course in Egyptology. I’m sure I could learn so much more about the beliefs and every day life of these people, and how they interacted with and viewed their gods. Books, and the Internet are wonderful, but there’s just so much out there!

As wonderful as UPG is, I find it even more satisfying to back up UPG with solid academic facts. After a chat with Anubis (or others) I always check academic sources to see if there is anything that backs up new “knowledge” I might have obtained from what would otherwise be considered a voice in the head of a girl who thinks she might talk to Ancient Egyptian gods. My experiences in this regard have grown much stronger over the past six months, and validation has become a necessity to make sure I keep myself in check.

Wanting academic validation does not invalidate faith, and having faith doesn't invalidate logic. I’ve heard this before, and I think it’s foolish. Spirit communication isn’t always clear. One “word” can mean many different things depending on context in my experience, and sometimes multiple meanings are inherent in a single thing. Checking for validation can correct you where you might have misunderstood something, or even give you more information that for whatever reason wasn’t communicated. 

 We are our own worst enemy, and it's important to remember this when on a magical path. Its easy to get caught up in wanting to be right, to the point that you can't admit when you're wrong... and believe me I could be wrong about everything ;)

I'm a Mage

A few weeks ago, I started doing more work to get what I need out of the universe.
I'll be honest, despite calling myself a "Mage" for the better part of my teenage years and up until recently, I hadn't really applied myself when it comes to asking the universe for things. I didn't ask for money, I didn't try to control my environment, or influence much of anything. I healed friends, did readings to try to understand what forces were at play in my life and the lives of others when things got hairy.

Yeah I did my shapeshifting thing, chatted with Anubis now and then, did my LBRPs... but the most I really did to deliberately influence the world around me was work with Fotamecus to do things like make the day go by more quickly when I was bored/having a bad day, or slow things down when the sun was rising and I needed to actually get a decent bit of sleep before class. I've never really seen the need to go after money or to establish myself as master of my domain....and then I stepped into the adult world, and shut the door on the people who kept throwing money at me before, in an attempt to control me, and keep me from taking the steps that I needed to. Before long, I was at the mercy of the universe because I dared to do the right thing, and worked my ass off to grow into a better and stronger person.

I once was afraid of the idea of summoning spirits for help, of delving too deeply into this world, out of fear that I would go insane like so many others I know who've pursued the path of magic over the years and lost their abilities to live normally in society. Somehow after being on the brink of losing myself and nearly everything I cared for(combination of a bad prescription for a health issue and lots of real life drama earlier this year that I've been pulling myself out of) I've hit a point beyond what I had experienced before. I shattered when my world did.... but I was able to build myself up again. My own perception of myself and the people around me has shifted in a significant and life-changing way that I can't begin to explain. There's more...depth to everything, and I've become significantly aware of more of the layers of cause and effect in the world, which in turn has boosted my empathy, and brought me back to a point that I thought I had lost when I was a child. The world seems more full of color and wonder. I won't call it innocence, because I'm not so naive; but there's something to this world that I think I lost my understanding of on the way. 

I'm learning how to just BE again, but not in a way that means I won't work my ass off to protect myself and those I care about. There seems to be an idea in the world right now that negativity in our lives is of our own making, and some apparently will even go as far to say that if someone is being attacked, that it's their karma, and that the Magician should do nothing.... and I want to call bullshit on that. Is it my fault that I was born into an abusive household? Is it my young nephew's fault that his father thinks it's ok to put a shock collar on his neck as a form of punishment? Fuck no it isn't!

Is it someone's fault when they gamble away all of their money instead of paying a mortgage and taking care of their family? You bet! In the first situation, any responsible, GOOD person, should interfere, and though to this day I have no idea about the state of my nephew because I was forced to cut off ties with my toxic family, I did my damnedest behind the scenes to point authorities in the right direction, to open an investigation with the California State Department of Children's Services. I did what I could. I have no regrets.

 I wish someone had worked half as hard to get me out of my situation as a child instead of pretending my parents were lovely sane people. Maybe if they had, I wouldn't have been forced into a cosmetic surgery at 9 years old, the effects of which now allow me to use my legs as barometers, and sometimes leave me nearly crippled a few weeks out of the year. Anyone who says that I brought that situation upon myself, can take that opinion and shove it. I didn't subconsciously want to have my legs ripped open, broken, and have bolts shoved in them so I could spend the rest of my life wondering if I'd be able to walk or carry something the next day. Who the fuck would?

There's a point when the "everything negative in your life happens because of you" ends, and I think we as magicians really need to realize this. If you believe that, and you allow others to be harmed because it's "their karma" you need to look in the fucking mirror and realize that what you're experiencing is sociopathic behavior and thinking that you're somehow "more enlightened" because of it, is bullshit. Yeah I'm sure I'm going to get some flack for this, but frankly I don't give a damn, because I actually stand up for what I believe in, instead of hiding behind false hypocritical ideals. I'd be doing myself, and those in my life, physical and spiritual, a disservice to do otherwise.

I'm a Mage damn it, and so I'm going to do my damnedest to grow into the best person I can be. There is no going back, and no reason to. There's nothing to do but go forward, and establish my personal domain. The first steps have already been taken, and things are moving into place beautifully. All I had to do was ask, be honest with myself, and put forth the appropriate effort.

Dealing with Troubles

When following your own magical path, there are plenty of times when you look at yourself and say "What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Should I incorporate certain rituals or ideas into my practice?"

After a lot of changes in my life happened all at once, I've begun seriously looking at what I do, and why I do it. I've been considering it may be time to work with more of the Egyptian Pantheon, and to also re-kindle my relationship with Sekhmet. I know I could use her lessons again, especially as I build myself up from the ground up again. Anubis has been an ever- present influence in my life since things took a nose dive a few months ago. I feel like this has certainly helped hold me together, and assisted in guiding me through the darkness that appeared in my life. There are times I am uncertain whether I am speaking with this entity, or whether I'm simply mad. What I do know is that when I speak with him, sometimes it feels like he answers.

 His answers are not spoken words, but images, ideas, impressions that suddenly appear nebulous in my mind, that have to be translated layer by layer into something that can be understood by words. Sometimes the answers are hard, sometimes they are painful, sometimes they're encouraging... but they always seem to end up representing the stark reality of existence, whether good or bad. If I am beating myself up over something foolish, I'm essentially told so. If I'm missing important details and acting like a dog chasing its tail... its the same. I am never given the answers to these situations, but always encouraged to seek them out. It sort of feels like that moment when you're doing a reading, flip a card over, and a lightbulb comes on, and suddenly more of the world makes sense. Perhaps if I'm mad, I don't want to be sane... but back to what this entry was originally going to be about.

A lot of people in my life seem to have some element of working with Ancestors in their practice. I find myself drawn to the idea, but unable to approach it. I come from a a family who I have cut my ties to, a family that was deaf to my suffering, my abuse at the hands of my parents, and the abuse of my nephew by his father.

It was a family that never seemed to care about anything but pretending to be a family, getting together to drink expensive wine and cocktails (or at least I assume it was expensive) and feast on Thanksgiving turkey and cured hams. Atrocities against the children or the women in my family were ignored, and everyone seemed to believe that they actually deserved the violation of mind and body that was received.  My childhood was anything but happy, even if I did usually have enough food to eat, and a roof over my head. I never heard stories about those who had passed on in the family, and it seemed that talking about the family tree was mostly taboo. (I have my suspicions as to why, but what mixed blood runs where in my family I'm not sure about) Considering I have cut my ties to those who are still living...mainly for my own safety (and what little sanity I have left) I wonder if approaching my ancestors is even safe. I wonder if they were even good people, if I would get a response, and if it would be one that I actually desired.

I find myself drawn to the idea regardless, out of a sort of romanticism. The idea of being able to have "family" where I feel myself to have none (other than chosen family) and there is certainly a hole in my heart from cutting people out of my life who have done almost nothing but harm me. Maybe it's some kind of Stockholm syndrome shit or something. It seems silly, but more than half of my life was spent with these people, and that's a hard thing to shake. Two years of giving them the middle finger by ripping up checks sent in the mail to try to win me over, moving and changing my name won't change that. The hole is still there, and I wonder if this is how to close it, to close the old chapters of my life and to move forward.... but I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what ancestor spirits are like. I don't even know if this would help with what I want it to help. I'm not going to assume the new age idea of these people who have passed on somehow being completely accepting and beings of light. I know better than to make assumptions when it comes to magic, and I think before I can take the idea beyond an idea I need to find out if it's even remotely a good idea.

I'm not sure what to do here, and I welcome the input of anyone who has experience in this area.

Unexpected

Just when you think you know what's going on, just when you think you've made the right choices, life throws a curve-ball that makes you go "what the fuck just happened, and where did these all of these skid marks come from?"

That's kind of how my life feels right now. It's like for months I've been moving forward, looking at the world in a very specific way, and suddenly someone turned on the lights. I've been pulling the 8 of wands a lot lately, along with the Moon. Maybe that has something to do with those skid marks I mentioned. I kept going one way, then another, and I was so sure I understood what was going on. There's always layers to these things though, and in my arrogance I missed my own self-deceptions.

Needless to say, when the Moon is involved, things are never as they seem. I was so caught up in what I thought was going on, that I failed to realize just how bizarre the situation I was in was. My life is full of bizarre, I'm a Magician after all. I figured I would recognize bizarre when I saw it. I knew "something" was off, but failed to actually say "maybe its me" until a higher voice essentially
came to me and said "STOP!" right when I was about to put together some more capsules full of the herb my herbalist had prescribed to me for some health issues.

Once I actually stopped, I remembered.  Those herbs I was mixing up? I'd done a little bit of research on them before I started taking them. Side effects were uncommon, but when they did happen, they were pretty nasty, and included things like anxiety, paranoia, and depression. Then it all fell into place. The light came on, and I saw how I'd been destroying my life with misguided suspicions, and unreasonable fears. I saw how I'd been running one way, put on the brakes, and then started running another way. I had known that there was a problem, but....once you get wrapped up in that kind of mental state, that kind of paranoia and fear, you can forget that problems often come from within and not always from other people.

My herbalist hadn't even told me that this herb HAD side effects like that. I guess that should have been warning sign number one. But when you have a health issue and conventional medicine hasn't helped, I guess desperation can cloud judgement. Tony was supposed to help me watch out for these symptoms, but we both forgot, so I can't really blame him.

I guess the lesson I've learned from this, is that when things don't make sense, don't keep charging ahead out of desperation. I had the tools I needed, but because I was already convinced I knew what was going on, I didn't use them properly. Part of being a Mage is seeing through the illusions, the self-deceptions, and finding the Truth.  Sometimes the truth is embarrassing, but that doesn't keep it from being the truth. The spirits in my life can help me to see clearly, but in the end its up to me whether or not I see the information given for what it is.