The Desperate Cry of Humanity

It's been a while hasn't it?

It's been busy here in my little universe. One thing after another, one step at a time, one step forward one step back... all leading to the realizations that I've had in the past few months. Sometimes you think you've seen the abyss, and then you realize that you've only scraped the surface of that inky blackness that lies below, all the while you're falling, silently screaming, because the world doesn't hear your voice. It doesn't acknowledge it. Your screams fall on closed ears, on closed hearts.

 This is the desperate cry of humanity, this is the universe that we both love, and hate. It's the way of things that must change. We ignore the suffering of humanity. We see that trembling, dirty hand, reaching out of the shadows, the haunted eyes that have seen too much, and that yet, are daring to hope... and the world turns its back, and averts its gaze, continuing on, leaving the desperate behind, dehumanizing those who can't be a good cog in the machine.

You may think you know. You may think you understand. But almost without exception, you do not. You will look for signs, for signals, ask for proof, and justify your hatred, or aversion of what you fear. This is human nature. Us or them, male or female, good or evil. We explore the universe in concepts of duality.

Life is for the strong, life is for those who deserve it, and those who deserve it is those who can prove their worth to those around them- that is the message that is sent from on high. (on high being of course the top offices of multi-national corporations that control the world economy)

And that, is the problem- our very society is structured around the idea that we have to be worth something "to others" and while this in itself isn't a bad thing (what's wrong with being helpful to each other?) it points out the issue that self-worth is almost an impossible feeling to attain without the praise of others. In a society that is based on judgement of a person's worth to "them" this creates a problem.

The problem is something that I've at least touched on in the past, that I have realized through my own explorations of my psyche: Humans (at least in this country) are so focused on separating the "human" from the "animal" that the concept that we ARE very much animals, and that this affects our society and psychology very strongly... is completely missed, or often misused by those in power who use this to their advantages.

We think we're so advanced, but we're children playing in a sandbox, playing at being adults. We're playing house, and missing the greater world around us, and even the small things in front of us. We should have so many advantages as humans- we are creators!... and yet... I see crows waiting at stop lights, waiting for the cross walk, hopping across the road as soon as the light changes. I've seen "animals" working together to aid each other gather food, or help each other in other ways... more than my eyes have seen humans do the same.

The city I live in, doesn't even have a 24 hour pharmacy anymore. There isn't even a single pharmacy downtown, and the clinic downtown is open at weird hours/days... those who need help, often have to travel to find it. Even with "healthcare reform" I've been unable to find a "real" dentist office anywhere who will take my insurance. I'm treated like a pariah as soon as it's discovered that I have insurance through the state, rather than something fancier. A friend of mine can't get even vital testing for a disease that runs in his family, because it's not "pre natal."

If he was pregnant, and there was a risk of passing it on to the child, they'd cover it... but because he's not, they refuse to pay for the testing that he needs, in order for his doctors to listen, and act... This is a double standard. He's alive, he's a human being, and he deserves to know whether he needs to start having yearly, invasive checkups, that the doctors also refuse to do, unless he actually has the diagnosis. $1600 out of pocket to find out if he's at risk for the same disease his father, and others in his family have, and yet... the doctors require diagnosis before treatment of any kind, even preventative treatment that would cause no harm to him to have.

In the city I live in, police chase off those who look "homeless" or "dressed poorly" telling them to leave town, because they "don't want them in their city" and people "loitering" in the downtown park where the food carts and benches are, where fresh, clean water is readily available... are harassed by officers, and threatened, told they have to leave after dark, because the park is "closed"...despite the food carts running and people buying food. It's a double standard, designed to gentrify the area, when it has a long, and rich history of being a place for the unfortunate to always have access to clean water, and a place to rest. The founders of the park would be horrified, but the "shareholders" who are working to gentrify the area have spoken.

We are numbers, checkmarks, statistics. Even when people can look us in the eyes, our lives are worth nothing other than what we can be sold...and if you can't be the "product" or the "consumer" then you are an outsider, a nothing.... dehumanized, silenced, stigmatized.

Yes, there are good people in the world... but we have to see through the lies first. We have to break through the illusions, and shatter them, before we can fight back in a way that does more than clatter against the armor of the serpent's scales, angering the beast enough to silence you completely.

This is why magic is important. We are the ones who dare to stare into the abyss. We are those who see through the illusions, and those who dare to leave the sandbox behind, to try to understand the greater world. We are all gods in training, and learning to see the sandbox for what it is, is the first step to the adulthood of humanity.

What will it take for us to see that we are all the same? That life, that experience is sacred, and that in the end, we all want, and all deserve the same basic needs as everyone else? Some people seem to think that people who suffer, suffer because they deserve it, or because they have a lesson to learn from it... In many cases, I will call bullshit... but what if your suffering is supposed to be a reminder, a look in the mirror, to the rest of humanity? A reminder that we are all human, and that we strive for acknowledgement from an uncaring world?

We try so hard to justify ignoring the suffering of others, that I've even seen "karma" cited as a reason in magical circles to not help people when they're clearly in trouble. It goes so far, that I've even seen things like "rape" justified as being a part of a "lesson" that someone apparently "needs" for their spiritual growth. This is of course, disgusting, utter bullshit, and the trap of sociopathy that egotistic magicians fall into.

 Being a mage isn't about being uninvolved, and separating yourself from the rest of the world, and the rest of humanity....It's about knowing your own current well enough to walk into the world, and change it with your very presence....inspiring, creating, and aiding those who are trapped in the sandbox, so that they can stand with you- on their own two feet, instead of sinking into oblivion. What else are Gods supposed to be doing?

Things

Hey everyone,


There's been a lot going on over here, primarily Og and I getting our business going.  We've finally got some established workspace, and I'll be doing more tests on the bronze and stuff soon.

Lately, I've actually changed gears towards making and selling pipes and bone cigarette holders. Og and I have been collaborating pretty much at every step. I still want to do jewelry and stuff, but right now, custom clay pipes seem to be our big seller, and are what is paying the rent. Once we've got some savings, I'll be getting back to jewelry.

I've also got a wand and some other stuff made recently.

If you want to keep up on the things Og and I are making, you can check everything out at www.facebook.com/MysticOasisStudios

I will be posting here still off and on, but right now, I don't really have more to say :)

Trusting the Universe

Oh Midnight Jaguar ...
Wash me with your courage 
And steel me with your grace,
So I may know the value of 
The void of time and space 
Teach me all your lessons, 
How to face the dark unknown. 
Than let me bravely leap 
Into the shadows all alone.

There was once a time, when it was simple for me to trust in the Universe. I looked at the world with a child-like wonder, and I felt something deep in my spirit that moved me, and helped me find the place within my soul that was calm... That knew how to just live life as life, and in the moments where I felt lost... I would pull out my cards, and call out to the Universe to show me what I'm missing, to show me how to find my path when I'd walked astray.  The cards would speak to me, the animals in them would teach me the lessons I was missing, direct me to what I needed to be doing, and I would find purpose and clarity again.

As I've gotten older, that self has been silenced; crushed by the trials and tribulations of adulthood and the need for survival. My anxiety levels have skyrocketed in the past few years, and while I have gained the ability to communicate with spirits more clearly, while I've grown much as a person, I can't help but feel that I've lost something precious, something that must be regained if I'm to go farther.

Nearly every month, I almost dread the times that rent is due. I dread how much utilities might cost, and how much my problems with my physical health get in the way of me being able to regularly support myself as an adult. Sometimes I find myself spiraling into dark places, fearful of what could go wrong next, or something I might have done wrong, instead of being able to focus on the good things in the present. I will try to stop it, try to breathe, and just "be"...but it drags me down, like a wave crashing, pulling me under, and suffocating me.

Og is there for me, and that helps. Anubis is there for me, whispering in my ear, and that helps. Sekhmet is there as inspiration, and that helps....but when the darkness is from myself, when the fear is born of the past, and the life I've lived; it makes things difficult.

What changed? I keep asking myself this, even though I know the answer. I changed. My perceptions and experience of the world changed, as I was birthed again into the strangle-hold of adulthood and the expectations of society, and even of my fellow occultists and friends. - I tried to shape myself into someone who I thought I should be, fearful that somehow I was false, that somehow I didn't deserve to walk with these people in my life, and that I didn't know what I was talking about.

When I lost my cards, I didn't buy new ones, and I didn't try to reconnect with that current, that energy that had cradled me and helped me stay safe and sane through the worst parts of my childhood. Instead of that, I tried to leave the more ... "shamanic" path I had walked, so that I could explore more of Western Occultism; a path that I deeply respect, but honestly don't feel a strong pull to. While this wasn't exactly a "mistake" and I can honestly say I learned a lot from it; I can look back and say that several years ago, I did myself a great disrespect. I was fearful of being seen as "fluffy" or a "dabbler" and so I left behind what had worked for me, what had been real to me, out of fear of abandonment.

Anubis has always been with me, and I've also always kept some bit of that part of my old practices and way of live alive...but I feel it crying out again, as I work more and more with the bones of animals in my work, and find myself working with the spirits of plants, and drifting back towards a more "shamanic" path.

Today I was fearful again, as rent was due, and all of my well laid plans had fallen through. Og and I had no rent money as a result, and all of my emails and inquiries for freelance jobs had gone unanswered. Even our communication between each other had been suffering. We knew something strange was going on. I was fighting back another panic attack, and Og got me some cocoa, and we tried to get me calmed down and clear headed again. He asked me if I'd asked the Universe for aid...and I hadn't. That led to us sitting down on the couch for a few minutes, drinking cocoa, and trying to figure out what had happened...and the conclusion was, that somehow we had "strayed" from our path.

Trying to figure out what we had failed to see, what wire had gotten crossed, and opening ourselves to trusting the Universe...it changed everything. Within minutes, the phone rang. It was a job, and not just a job, but a possibility towards a greater relationship with a growing company. I got back to my computer, and found that within that same time period, I'd gotten an offer for another job- days with nothing but silence, and suddenly I had work offers, and confirmations for work, within minutes of each other.

"This is what magic is" he told me.  I knew he was right, and its something I used to know when I was younger...but for some reason its like its something that I haven't been able to hold onto. The Black Panther card was a card I pulled a lot from my old deck. It means that your problems will be solved by trusting in the Universe to provide, and by opening yourself to what is there, instead of fearing what might be.

I think its time to re-embrace who I am, instead of trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe that makes me fluffy. All I know, is that at this point, I don't care. I'm just going to be me, and try to trust and keep myself open to what the Universe has to offer, instead of closing myself off with a fearful heart.

Memories of Reality

I've had an issue over the years. (no, not ONLY one, but whatever)

As a mage, you might think that I'd be used to all of this magic stuff. It's part of my life after all, how does it not become mundane? How does it retain its wonder? Just because something is magic doesn't mean that moments using it are "magical" in the sense of feeling the power rolling off of you, or uplifting energy. There isn't always the sense that it's "real" despite my experiences.

This has been getting better over the years. My doubt has faded as I grow into myself.  Still it lingers sometimes though. Usually when someone asks me to do something magical for them. "Take a look at my aura!" "Here, look at this magical tool and tell me what it "feels" like to you" The demon of doubt, uncertainty, and fear of rejection raises its head. Sometimes my mind seems to fuzz over, and its as if I'm an absolute beginner again, stumbling over my own feet.  Other times it just comes without trouble, and I just "know" the right answers, sometimes I even see it.

Interestingly, this almost never seems to pop up when I'm healing someone. Maybe this is because I've been doing some form of healing work on people since I was a preteen. Same thing with card readings to some extent. I still stumble over some of my Tarot meanings and have to look up bits... but I used to have these Oracle Cards that I was fantastic with.

Not long ago I was with Og, and we were doing a reading surrounding a potential business venture and an individual involved with it. When we hit the latter point of the reading, I suddenly "forgot" the significance of the placement of a card related to the individual. Now, I'd had some suspicion that this person may have been a fellow mage. After some outside confirmation, I've basically confirmed it- in doing a reading about this person, I "immediately" forgot what the card was supposed to represent in its placement, and why it was significant. I was able to force my way through by backtracking and figuring out "what" I would have been asking about, but despite this, I was unable to regain the actual memory that had been blanked out originally.

The implication, is that I tripped a ward/shield of this person, designed so that they couldn't be scryed on. Og had felt something "strange" at the same time, and with some asking around, I've confirmed that this does happen. I still feel kind of weird about this- it's one of those moments where you're forced to see the implications of how your magic can touch others, and not just yourself. While I was just looking at business dynamics and had no ill intentions, now I feel like I've intruded.

Og did some work to clear the air a bit, and then pulled the "hey, can you see what I'm doing/did?" card with the magical work he was doing.  I could. I couldn't "see" it physically, but it was as if I could see it behind my eyelids. What I was seeing was clear and beautiful; Imagery wrapped with tangible meaning and intent. 

I told him what he'd done. He just grinned, and asked me if I still had any doubts after that, and pointed out that I had explained everything, without any hints or prompting from him on what it was that he'd done. He was right, and it's moments like that, that I try to reinforce. I don't want magic to become this ....thing lacking wonder, but I do want to reinforce experiences like this to put to rest the gnawing doubts that sometimes come to the surface. Having experiences I can call upon to solidify the positive reinforcement of the reality of what I do in my life, the energies I live with, and dance with... it's important to my journey of knowing and growing into myself.

Maybe someday, the doubt will be gone completely. But I wonder to is maybe doubt is just in the nature of humanity.

Mystic Oasis Studios- A new professional direction

After years of being a professional figure model, I decided to put my "career" in that field to rest after my stay in Phoenix that nearly led to me becoming a human trafficking statistic. I posted at length about it in an earlier post, so I won't reiterate too much about that topic.

What I will say is that because of that, and lots of encouragement from Og, I've started focusing much more on my art as my career. It's still in its infancy, but I figured I would share what I've been working on - Mystic Oasis Studios

It's not much, but it's a start.  I'm already managing to just barely comfortably scrape by on my artwork alone, and I have some commissions and other projects lined up already.

I have the setup for casting bronze figured out, and my workshop is coming together.

That means I'll be making these soon-

I also want to give a shoutout to Conjureman Ali a good friend of mine who has helped and supported me over the years when it comes to everything from my magical practices, to my artistic skills. He's been one of my biggest repeat customers over the years for graphic design work, and because of that, has really helped me to develop as a professional artist. You can also check out his stuff at House of Quimbanda :) 

I'm pretty excited about the logo I developed for them, and how the timing meshes up with my ventures into professional artistry and design! 

So here's to a hectic year, full of challenges, changes, and growth. 2013 is a year I never want to repeat, but 2014 will be better, stronger, but hopefully not faster ;) I'm starting to feel old at 26 already. 

Here's to a better, and less stressful future. 

Do you know your gods?

My relationship with Sekhmet has been on and off again for a few years now. As I get to know her and work with her, I find myself realizing something: I don't know her. I never have.

Sure, I've read her stories, sure I've read literature on how she and Bast have shared similar roles and crossed over one another. Sure I've read about her associations with this or that through the ages... but what does it actually mean?

As my experiences with Upwawet unfold, and the dance between him and who I know as "Anubis" continues, I find that the dance just leads me deeper.

These entities, are far more than the sum of their stories. They have depths, layers upon layers, like the pages and chapters of the earth itself... but how many of us treat them this way?  How many of us assume that because we're working with them, that we can somehow represent them? I've seen it happen with people I know, claiming they're doing that particular god's work, do something in their name, or that such and such god would  "want" things a certain way.  I've even seen people claiming that once you start working with a particular god or goddess, that you're somehow their priest or priestess....and this couldn't be farther from the truth.

Just because you can call on a spirit and talk to them, does not mean that you have the right to represent them. Just because you may have talked to an entity for years, does not mean that you have the right to represent them.

While I've done what I can to "avoid" the label of priestess over the years, I find that the label still sticks.  All I can really do is try to avoid the fallout that could come with it.

But the point is... Sekhmet, Anubis, whoever, they're "people" and just like people, they have quirks, triggers, and things they're good or bad at accomplishing. While they most certainly don't run an OS that we could identify as "human" they are still individuals in their own right. A few books, and a few successful evocations of a god or spirit doesn't mean you suddenly work for them, or can act as their representative.

I remember the first couple of years that I knew Sekhmet. I was convinced that she was an embodiment of primal rage and judgement.... thought that she was also an embodiment of fire, a "lion of war" ....and I wasn't necessarily wrong. What was wrong was that I dismissed those who worshiped her as a "mother" goddess. I was convinced that they were the sort who just taking every "female" god-form and turn it into the form of the divine feminine, without actually referencing historical or cultural context...or they'd confused her with Bast.

Since then I understand a bit more about how Sekhmet can be related to a "mother" figure, though that isn't a primary aspect in my experiences with her.  I've been working with her off and on for around three years. I feel like I barely know her. I know "her" but not the conscious knowledge of who and what she is, all wrapped up in separately, and well defined packages. I lack the experience to properly convey the words that describe who she actually is. Anything else is like saying that a list of likes and dislikes, is enough to understand and know the person that has them.

I worked with Anubis for the better part of a decade before we finally broke the ice enough that I saw another side of him. When I was 13-16 I did twice daily prayers, burnt candles, incense, mediated, did evocations, and still, even after all that time, I wasn't shown this side of him until I needed it. I wasn't a child to be coddled, he made sure I knew when it was time to put on the big girl pants, and actually get to work, and to make it "easier" his sense of sardonic humor kicked in. Sometimes at my expense, but always to my benefit despite it.

It always seems like they know me better than I know myself. They see through my blindness, they know, through my confusion. And yet, I only really have a handful of words that I could say about them, and who they seem to be.

Do you know your gods? They know you... so maybe we should all put the effort forward to try. It's the least we can do, for ourselves and for them. In knowing them, perhaps we can start piecing together the mystery of ourselves.

Cosmic Wedgie - Messages from the Universe

Ogy and I have talked at length after we finally started getting settled here in the Pacific Northwest. We've noticed a strange phenomena in the previous months, that have led us to where we are now. (safe, stable, among good people, with loads of resources available to us, thank fuck.) Pennsylvania chewed us up and spit us out. Regardless of where we were, once we started hemming and hawing and not actually trying to leave... everything went to hell.

We tried to wait on a company that said they were going to hire Ogy, and make him tons of money. - we started having problems being able to get resources to do things like eat and drink well. I started having more health problems, and people with backstabbing natures started showing themselves.

I started doing simple sigil magic to try to move the forces in our favor. Every day when I was getting out of the bath/shower. I'd do a meditation, and draw a specific sigil on the fogged up mirror glass, with the sigil overlapping my reflection as I drew it, and put my intent into it. I wanted those barriers, those things keeping us from what we wanted, to shatter.

Maybe I'm a masochist, but when I do magic, I don't put in safeguards against possibly having to suffer more before I get what I'm working for. If the currents shifting means that things NEED to get worse before they can get better, then sure, damn me for a while.

In this case, the path out was me getting so sick that I needed recovery somewhere where I had regular access to clean water and food- and that was Ogy's parents place near Pittsburgh. When I finally started recovering, we considered staying there for a while. "Just long enough to do some modeling work in the city, so we can buy plane tickets out" ....and then like magic, Ogy's mom has a psychotic episode, and kicks us to the curb to "go find a homeless shelter" ...... somehow through all of this, there was no fear. There was just an animalistic defiance. I held my head high, held Ogy's hand, and we went off into the night. When it looked like we weren't going to have a place to sleep that night, I made a phone call.

That friend had never even met Ogy before....and yet, they bought both of us tickets out on the next day's train. I'd been prepared to sleep in the woods, and have the cops help us get our stuff out of his parents house the next day...and after that, probably hitch hike across the country.

As soon as those tickets were bought, our luck turned around. We met some people at the gas station across town when we were looking for the homeless shelter. We were offered a place to sleep, and other resources. After that, we got the call that we could come back to the house, and were able to sleep there.

The next day, we were gone. We were hugged, kissed, told we were loved, loaded up on food, and boarded the train. The trip itself was uneventful, but we had food, water, each other, and were treated fantastically when we arrived in Portland. I was "home" in body, mind, and spirit.

We've had some bumps here and there, but things have been coming together. (and I still haven't given up on jewelry stuff either) We've been meeting people, making a home for ourselves, and have started talking about our next steps in our individual personal journeys and work. It literally seems like everything has been working out for us, to the point that we've been offered jobs taking care of the landlady's properties, helping with landscaping, and some other general upkeep. - I can't do most of it, but Ogy can. If we can find the key for it, we can also drive one of the vehicles on the property. (time to do some magic for that too)

I've never seen things just...completely turn around like this. It was to the point that I wondered if I'd been crossed. But now I wonder, did I cross myself? My "go ahead and damn me for awhile" attitude, might have had something to do with it. Maybe it has before as well.

But I still have to wonder if it was what Ogy suggested to me: Dharma.

If that somehow in the truest sense of the word, we went against our collective Dharma by spending all of our money trying to stay in one place because of the promise of a job (that my readings gave inconclusive results on) that we thought would have fixed everything.....instead of doing what we said we were going to do in the first place- which is take our money and go to Washington together.

If that is the case, then was the cause me, the magic done, or was it the Universe literally giving us a cosmic wedgie to tell us that there was nothing more to see or learn there, and to "move along" ? Maybe some combination of all of the above?

I've noticed that when I'm not responding properly to a situation, that I can't "hear" the spirits I work with as easily. It's a radio I have to tune, because I'm literally operating on the wrong frequency. Maybe this occurs on a larger scale. I'd been told for months, that I needed to change how I was living, and that I needed to focus on my art more, because it was what I "really wanted to do" (tm)
I didn't have access to places for art supplies, my computer was broken, and I was turning back to modeling to try to make ends meet. - in that sense I was in a place and situation that didn't meet my needs for development. But again, was it myself, or higher powers that  brought on the "temporary crossed condition"?

It's all good now, except for my anxiety that "the other shoe is going to drop" and then I'll have nothing again... but I've got graphic design work going, as well as a mask project.. which is allowing me to bulk up my portfolio, and learn even more tricks with Photoshop and Illustrator. It doesn't feel like a "chore" either. I've been enjoying working on the things I'm working on.

We appear to have also mysteriously lost a housemate who was only here for a month, whose presence would have complicated some opportunities that we've been given. I was even handed an omen about it, mentioned it to Ogy about three days ago, and found out today that it was true. That sort of thing hadn't happened in a long while.

Last time something like this happened, it was when I was trying to run away from my previous relationship, and turned off the lamp on my desk when I was leaving with all my stuff....and it had this strange, strange, sense of finality. Almost like the life of something had been snuffed out in the process, and I had the very clear feeling that I would never be turning that lamp on again.... and I didn't. When I was talked into coming back, and tried to turn the light on...it had burnt out. No warning, just gone- like the illusion of a loving and trusting relationship that I tried to hold onto.

This time, I was in the bathroom cleaning up, and the housemate's towel mysteriously fell from the hook. It had been on there pretty solidy before, and I'd never touched it. I had the sudden, strange feeling that he would never be coming home. I'd known he'd ended up in jail because of a complication with his car title...but we were under the impression that he'd just be spending a night or two as a slap on the wrist, and maybe a fine.

He was supposed to be out two days ago. We got the call this morning that he wouldn't be living here anymore. Apparently there's been a string of offenses over the years, and he's likely going to be in for a year as a result. I'd had some concerns about him potentially bringing trouble down on us, but it looks like that issue has already been taken care of.

Maybe a year behind bars will tell him that driving an uninsured, untitled vehicle, with a suspended license, that got suspended due to a hit and run on a parked car, is a bad idea, and that maybe his license was taken away for a reason. I doubt it, but at least I got an omen out of it?

Since apparently lightbulbs and towels can be omens in the proper context, and you "know" what it is, when you see/feel it....and I guess this whole thing with me being back on the right frequency works on a number of levels. Or maybe it's that I'm not sick and malnourished anymore. *shrug*