Down but not out

I'm back from Canada!

Things definitely didn't go as planned on that trip, but I managed to salvage what I could, as well as take some very important lessons back home with me. 

I made an unexpected business contact who I will be working with here in the states, and through his generosity, I should be able to get a work permit to work within Canada, and make more regular trips up there! It's a beautiful, beautiful country. It didn't want to let me in, but once I earned it, and was willing to take risks, put up with unexpected delays, and confront my fears, it started to feel like home.

Canada was all about learning to roll with the punches, confront myself and what I was afraid of, and trying to put the pieces together that I lost, or ripped from myself at some point in my past. It was about nostalgia and learning to move forward. My friend Victor was a wonderful host, taught me how to walk on ice without falling on my face while I was in Edmonton (my first night there I had a nasty fall, though thankfully he was there to help walk/carry me back to the apartment) 

The big thing he helped me gain though, was being able to look at myself critically, and understand when I was going into a mental/emotional tailspin, and how to prevent it from happening. As we get older, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. Some of this seems to be an American thing, but when we want things we want them NOW, and we will scramble and struggle, and grasp for a solution until we're exhausted and blue in the face.

Even as a mage, as someone who should know how to trust the universe, and manipulate the forces at play to better ourselves and bring our goals closer... it had been years since I had not treated life as a struggle, not acted like a caged animal when in a poor situation. I exhaust myself with marketing, with prospecting, when instead of fixating on something and hitting the refresh button obsessively, I should have been planning less exhaustive (and more sensible) strategies, doing things at auspicious times, taking breaks and stepping back, and not overtaxing myself when I know something isn't working or won't work. I'm a mage dammit, and I haven't been acting like it.  I've allowed others to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home, I've allowed their insecurities to fuel mine, and I've handed away the reigns for control in my life. No one took them from me, I just ceased to realize that I am responsible for how I react to things in my life.

Those two weeks in Edmonton were full of harsh realizations, but Victor helped me to realize what was going on, what I'd been doing, and how to fix it. He may have to drag me kicking and screaming until I actually find some kind of inner serenity (and he said he would if he had to) but hopefully I'll sort out how to actually relax a little and do things intelligently, going with the flow instead of always being a ball of rushed stress, and hopefully I'll be able to do that without too much kicking and screaming :) I like to think I'm off to a good start at least. The Canadian "no worries" philosophy that I was surrounded by, will definitely help reinforce that too. 

Somewhere along the way, I lost a part of myself growing up. I think we all do to some extent, and only some of us get it back. We take on ideas, personas, all in the search for who we are, for some kind of identity, and we sometimes even discard the bits and pieces that were good for us, that defined us, because we were scared. I'm going back to the beginning. I'm going back to when I started my spiritual development, back to my roots with Anubis. He has a lot more to teach me, and while Sekhmet definitely has a lot to teach me as well, I don't think I'll be able to appreciate and understand her lessons properly without a solid foundation that I can understand and raise myself from. 

Maybe I just went a little crazy on that 20 hour bus ride back from Canada. That's possible too, but I wrote stuff down, I analyzed myself like crazy, because I had nothing better to do, and I put together and analyzed all the things that have happened to me in the past few weeks. I understand where the hole in myself is, I understand where my problems are, and I've started setting goals. I'm fairly certain at this point, that the fact that all of the wifi spots on my way home mysteriously didn't work, was a plot by the powers that be to get me to write again. I've been doing daily journals, even bi-daily journals. I'm finding that when I try to shirk my meditations, or other workings in favor of internet, or in favor of something else, its getting taken away from me, like a parent taking something away from a disobedient child. Mysteriously, these things are given back to me, or other rewards are given when I do what I'm "supposed" to be doing. So it seems that I've acquired some kind of spiritual babysitter. I'm not going to complain though! It's both annoying and incredibly useful. 

While I feel like shaking my fist at the heavens sometimes, it's actually quite brilliant, and adds confirmation that I'm probably not just some mad lunatic who just thinks she sometimes gets visits from Egyptian gods :) Though why the spirits are taking such an interest in me to actually go to these lengths, I'm unclear on. Maybe it's because I'm finally ready to listen, and they know it. I certainly won't claim to know, but I will enjoy the adventure.

 

Happy New year, and all that jazz

Happy new year everyone! I'm definitely late with this one, but better late than never eh?
I'm up in the frozen north of Alberta, and I'll be here a few more days before I venture back to the states.
It's been an enlightening trip to say the least! Good friends, new friends, tearing down illusions about myself and others, lots of struggles, and creating bonds of trust has been the theme so far in the new year.

At times it's been rough, at times it's been placid, but always its been something new out here. It's a beautiful morning here in Edmonton. While my mornings here have been very lazy as a general rule, today I was nearly up with the sun. As I looked blearily out the window, I was gifted with the sight of freshly fallen snow, illuminated by the golden glow of the rising sun, and a strip of rainbow illuminating the sky next to it.

The past two weeks have been times of trial, deep introspection, and consideration for what my future will be. Some of the goals I came up here for have remained unfulfilled, and that's ok. That was a lesson too, and because of it, I was forced to look very hard at myself, my emotions, and how I have grown (or not) over the years.

If I have any resolution for the new year, it's to learn to be myself, and learn to live without fear of fear. This may mean some very very large upheavals in my life. This may mean sacrificing some of the foundation that I've built. This may mean an extreme change in direction on my priorities. It's important though. I've seen a glimpse of how far my personal rabbit hole goes, and it isn't pretty. I'm 24, and still trying to regain the positive sense of self that I had when I was 16. Something broke somewhere along the way, and I need to fix it. If I don't, the consequences will be grave, and I would be doing myself, and all those who are close to me a disservice to ignore this fact. I finally know what I need to fix, and it won't be easy, but I'm going to do it.

I have a lot planned for the new year. I already know it will be a year of struggle, but I will take those struggles and transform this year into a year of discovery. That, is my resolution, and my promise, for the new year, and I won't let myself settle for anything less.

Finally

Finally my little slice of the apartment is starting to come together. I got to work on it at about 3:30 am and worked on it until 5am, crashed for six hours, got up,  and worked on it more. I've got a simple altar to Anubis started up, and Sekhmet is next on the list. Mostly I'm still working on cleaning up the random crap and books on the floor, and getting rid of the last of my empty boxes. The space is actually working out quite well, though I was skeptical at first about how small it was. I've managed to make it work.

Here's a couple photos for you voyeuristic types.  ;)

I found a couple of crystals when I was cleaning. They used to belong to my boyfriend before he gave up magic. They're quite nice, but they've got a funk about them. Time to
cleanse! Hence the bowl of salt on the chest.

Still got a long way to go, but it's a start!

Printfection store, and Thanksgiving

You know those t-shirts with witty phrases? Of course you do!
While sitting in bed, bleary eyed after a long night of sleep; a phrase of my own came to mind. It came out of nowhere really, but after I looked it up online, I confirmed that I seem to be the first to come up with it:

"Pagans do it with wands and chalices"

I stared at the zero results on google for a moment, and quickly decided I was going to cash in on it while I still could!

So for anyone who's interested, here's a store I made just for the occasion- http://www.printfection.com/mystic-oasis

I have other t-shirt designs in the works(like this one) so I'll probably use this store for a lot more. It's way better than Cafepress as far as quality goes, and there's more of a selection.

 Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I know I'm thankful for all the wonderful people, spirits, and future that is unfolding in my life. Also thankful for random ideas :D

Moving Forward

There's been a lot of distractions, and uncertainties in my life lately. An uncertain future lies ahead of me. There are many paths I could take, but only two I'm looking at seriously. Sometimes growth means pain. It means overcoming your fears, clinging to life, knowing it's time to let the old self die, and move toward a new life, with new opportunities. Life is a beautiful struggle. When one thing gets easy, another gets harder. There's a balance that is maintained, and sometimes that leads to times when things are easy.

After weeks of struggling, I've finally reached that last place. I'm standing on the brink of a new future, staring across the expanse of the abyss before me. At this moment in time, I'm not afraid. I feel a sense of clarity that I haven't in a long time. My struggles have led to a fantastic career as a model, a confidence in myself that rivals anything I've had before, and a greater sense of self.

While I still haven't been able to set up a proper altar in my new home, for a number of reasons, it hasn't stopped me from embracing the magic in my life. I call upon Anubis and Sekhmet before I sleep, to protect me on my trips to the world of dreams, and illuminate any shadows both within, and outside of the fringes of my consciousness.  I am guarded from nightmares, and my dreams seem clearer upon waking.


To help protect myself from the cold bite of winter, when I have to venture outside I see myself as a dog or wolf. The feeling of having a thick coat of fur, and rough paw-pads helps keep me warm, and brings me into a state of mind where I am alert and focused when outside. I'm keenly aware of the world around me. The sights, the smells, my hearing, my physical balance honed to its best.

I thank the spirits that died for the food I consume, and I enchant my food and drink to further grant me health and success in my endeavors. 

I may not have a formalized personal space where I can do my magical work, but I live a life of magic. It is the path I walk, the air I breathe, the spirit of my resolve. It cannot be taken from me. It will not be taken from me.

Shapeshift Responsibly

I have briefly mentioned in the past, that I identify as someone who feels as if they are an “animal” in a human body. I am well aware of the fact that I am human, and quite happy to to have opposable thumbs. This doesn’t change the fact that on a much deeper level, I tune in very easily with a more “primal” self. That part of myself has a non-human form in my mind. My internal symbolism seems to stay pretty consistent.

By tuning into that animal-self, I can bring myself to a different level, where I can do things I am unable to do, in a “normal” state of mind. One thing that I find this works quite well for, is enduring pain.

As a woman, and as myself in general, I experience a variety of physical pains on a number of levels. I don’t believe that animals don’t experience pain in the same way that we do. We feel the same “pain” but don’t share all of the same experiences that go along with the sensation of pain. Pain is something we fear, pain is something that we shy away from, and it is our fear and human thoughts about the pain, what is causing it, etc that makes it a different experience as a human.

Now, as humans we are still animals, but it’s difficult to reach down into ourselves and put aside human fears, and embrace the part of ourselves that knows how to just “be” despite any painful sensations that are felt.

When I need to, I’ve found that I can drop into a more animalistic state, by focusing on bringing the image of my animal-self to the forefront, and becoming that image. With this “shapeshifting” technique of sorts, I can bring the animal-self forward to deal with physical pain. Depending on what I’m doing, this can help manage the pain a lot, or a little.

I find it easier to push through pain when I’m in a state like this. I think of it a controlled “disassociation”  the animal self deals with the pain, while the human self deals with higher thinking. They are both very clearly “me” despite being able to switch out these aspects as needed.

The importance here is control. The human self is not incapable of handling pain, and sometimes someone does need to evaluate how badly they are actually injured. Moving through pain isn’t always the best option, and the sensation is there for a reason. I’ve heard of lizards who will get their toenails stuck on something, keep pulling, and merrily walk away without half a toe, as if nothing ever happened.

Animals can also react badly, depending on what is causing the pain, or if they perceive someone or something, as a potential threat. The human mind should never be put away entirely, or we lose ourselves to simple reaction: fight or flight.

As this separation of human and animal is a coping mechanism I created as a child, yes I have lost myself to that sort of impulsive behavior before when working with this structure. No, it isn’t safe, and while I am certainly not a psychologist, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s this kind of disassociation, and loosing yourself within the animal-self that leads to clinical lycanthropy. I walked the edge as a child in this regard. There were times I didn’t think I was human at all, and this did affect how I viewed, experienced, and treated the world.

Messing with the mind like this isn’t safe if you don’t understand what you’re doing. (Hell, even if you THINK you know what you’re doing you probably don’t understand all the implications, I sure don’t always, though it helps that I try.) But as long as you have control, as long as you understand on some level the roles these parts of yourself play, I don’t see problems with using techniques like this to do things like dull the pain of menstruation, or keeping your body moving in the cold when you’re already sore and exhausted, and trying very hard to get somewhere safe.

“Shapeshifting” in my experience, is much more than just feeling a second skin, a second body-shape over your physical human one. I think a lot of books neglect this sort of warning. Then again, it’s possible that most people stop at the “ooh, I feel like I have wings, or a tail!” stage, and don’t push beyond that. It could just be that because I developed this sort of thing originally as a coping mechanism, that I went deeper than most people. But to me, it’s an invocation, and a connection to the more primal nature of the self. Sometimes that isn’t pretty or kind. Nature certainly isn’t.

Not magic related, but...

Not really going to say much. I'm just going to point you towards this: http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/306/9/3/dragon_prosthetic__halloween_2011_by_kebechett-d4etp0m.png

That's a prosthetic I made for Halloween. Since I know not everyone reads my facebook or anything (and things get lost in the shuffle) I wanted to point this out. While I still need to do more experimenting with latex casting, I am confident that the mold I have is sufficient to start turning out sell-able prosthetic dragon faces :) The question is, would anyone be interested? Alternately, now that I know I can pull this shit off, I'm willing to take on custom prosthetic work, once I understand a little bit more about the casting of latex.

I'm sure this COULD be incorporated into magical work, but this project was more about looking cool on Halloween and pushing the limits of what I knew about sculpting and costuming.