Just when you think you know what's going on, just when you think you've made the right choices, life throws a curve-ball that makes you go "what the fuck just happened, and where did these all of these skid marks come from?"
That's kind of how my life feels right now. It's like for months I've been moving forward, looking at the world in a very specific way, and suddenly someone turned on the lights. I've been pulling the 8 of wands a lot lately, along with the Moon. Maybe that has something to do with those skid marks I mentioned. I kept going one way, then another, and I was so sure I understood what was going on. There's always layers to these things though, and in my arrogance I missed my own self-deceptions.
Needless to say, when the Moon is involved, things are never as they seem. I was so caught up in what I thought was going on, that I failed to realize just how bizarre the situation I was in was. My life is full of bizarre, I'm a Magician after all. I figured I would recognize bizarre when I saw it. I knew "something" was off, but failed to actually say "maybe its me" until a higher voice essentially
came to me and said "STOP!" right when I was about to put together some more capsules full of the herb my herbalist had prescribed to me for some health issues.
Once I actually stopped, I remembered. Those herbs I was mixing up? I'd done a little bit of research on them before I started taking them. Side effects were uncommon, but when they did happen, they were pretty nasty, and included things like anxiety, paranoia, and depression. Then it all fell into place. The light came on, and I saw how I'd been destroying my life with misguided suspicions, and unreasonable fears. I saw how I'd been running one way, put on the brakes, and then started running another way. I had known that there was a problem, but....once you get wrapped up in that kind of mental state, that kind of paranoia and fear, you can forget that problems often come from within and not always from other people.
My herbalist hadn't even told me that this herb HAD side effects like that. I guess that should have been warning sign number one. But when you have a health issue and conventional medicine hasn't helped, I guess desperation can cloud judgement. Tony was supposed to help me watch out for these symptoms, but we both forgot, so I can't really blame him.
I guess the lesson I've learned from this, is that when things don't make sense, don't keep charging ahead out of desperation. I had the tools I needed, but because I was already convinced I knew what was going on, I didn't use them properly. Part of being a Mage is seeing through the illusions, the self-deceptions, and finding the Truth. Sometimes the truth is embarrassing, but that doesn't keep it from being the truth. The spirits in my life can help me to see clearly, but in the end its up to me whether or not I see the information given for what it is.
The exploratory writings and magical experiences of a Hermetic Egypto-Pagan.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Path to Freedom
When we discover that the cages that we are in are of our own making, even when we know it, it can be difficult to leave them. The things that are familiar are comfortable, and we as humans struggle against the unknown. Again with the struggling instead of the trusting in the universe, instead of taking the reigns, or being forced into making a lock-pick if you are unable to locate a key.
The path to freeing ourselves from ourselves is a tricky one! First we have to see that we're trapped, and then we have to make ourselves care enough to do something about it. This could be as easy as valuing Truth above all else, and living in a way that strives to make us better and stronger people. Or it could be a convoluted mess of tangles and snarls; like a long string of yarn that after years of being unnoticed, is suddenly discovered in a terrible knot under the sofa. You discover it when you need it, and then it becomes a problem you have to fix. Such is life.
We may have to drag ourselves, kicking and screaming until a solution is found to untangle the mess of our own lives. In my case, loving someone and knowing when to let them go has been a huge challenge. It doesn't matter how much you read the tarot, throw your runes, or ask the universe for prophetic dreams- matters of the heart, and how these tie in with our stability, our safety, and our sanity, can never be fully predicted, nor fixed with the burning of a candle, or the wave of a wand.
The "right" path becomes the path that we chose for ourselves. This I think is Karma. We walk the path of life, make our choices, and understand that there will be both positives and negatives to our choices. But these things are our choices. We can choose to leave a poor situation, to run away without looking back, possibly hurting others in the process... but this shouldn't be the only option other than "stay in a poor situation" As a Hermeticist I have to ask, what is the middle path? It may not seem like there is one at first, but my philosophy has always been "there is always a way, you just have to find it" and so life for the longest time in my mind was a struggle to find "the way" for every single thing that I felt I needed.While the philosophy was good, my reaction to it has been poor.
Choices have to be weighed, evaluated, and processed before the situation as a whole can be digested. What does this have to do with magic? Everything. It has to do with our Will, and understanding the universe and ourselves. Balance...temperance, is important in all things. Just as harsh choices should be avoided, if you're running on a time limit, hemming and hawing over what to do about a situation could be worse than choosing what appears to be a poor option. This understanding is a part of mastering the self, mastering fear of fear, and ultimately knowing yourself and taking control of your life.
Fear of fear is the door to self-doubt, weakness, and ultimately the downfall of the self. Sometimes you have to take that leap into the unknown. Use what trust in yourself you have, and the trust in the universe, and pray you'll fly. Sometimes you will, sometimes you'll fall anyway...but in nearly all cases, you'll always be able to get up again, no matter how many times you fall.
If you find yourself caught between extremes, take a break, and look for the middle way. You might be surprised at what you find. If I keep doing this, maybe I'll find a way out of the pit I've dug for myself, and maybe I won't hurt anyone when I claw my way up, and out to the light of freedom. Sometimes people can't help hurting others, sometimes situations mess with a person's mind... but sometimes despite that, you have to leave, you have to find a new sanctuary... because home is where the heart is, and if the heart is gone, then what remains of the home?
The path to freeing ourselves from ourselves is a tricky one! First we have to see that we're trapped, and then we have to make ourselves care enough to do something about it. This could be as easy as valuing Truth above all else, and living in a way that strives to make us better and stronger people. Or it could be a convoluted mess of tangles and snarls; like a long string of yarn that after years of being unnoticed, is suddenly discovered in a terrible knot under the sofa. You discover it when you need it, and then it becomes a problem you have to fix. Such is life.
We may have to drag ourselves, kicking and screaming until a solution is found to untangle the mess of our own lives. In my case, loving someone and knowing when to let them go has been a huge challenge. It doesn't matter how much you read the tarot, throw your runes, or ask the universe for prophetic dreams- matters of the heart, and how these tie in with our stability, our safety, and our sanity, can never be fully predicted, nor fixed with the burning of a candle, or the wave of a wand.
The "right" path becomes the path that we chose for ourselves. This I think is Karma. We walk the path of life, make our choices, and understand that there will be both positives and negatives to our choices. But these things are our choices. We can choose to leave a poor situation, to run away without looking back, possibly hurting others in the process... but this shouldn't be the only option other than "stay in a poor situation" As a Hermeticist I have to ask, what is the middle path? It may not seem like there is one at first, but my philosophy has always been "there is always a way, you just have to find it" and so life for the longest time in my mind was a struggle to find "the way" for every single thing that I felt I needed.While the philosophy was good, my reaction to it has been poor.
Choices have to be weighed, evaluated, and processed before the situation as a whole can be digested. What does this have to do with magic? Everything. It has to do with our Will, and understanding the universe and ourselves. Balance...temperance, is important in all things. Just as harsh choices should be avoided, if you're running on a time limit, hemming and hawing over what to do about a situation could be worse than choosing what appears to be a poor option. This understanding is a part of mastering the self, mastering fear of fear, and ultimately knowing yourself and taking control of your life.
Fear of fear is the door to self-doubt, weakness, and ultimately the downfall of the self. Sometimes you have to take that leap into the unknown. Use what trust in yourself you have, and the trust in the universe, and pray you'll fly. Sometimes you will, sometimes you'll fall anyway...but in nearly all cases, you'll always be able to get up again, no matter how many times you fall.
If you find yourself caught between extremes, take a break, and look for the middle way. You might be surprised at what you find. If I keep doing this, maybe I'll find a way out of the pit I've dug for myself, and maybe I won't hurt anyone when I claw my way up, and out to the light of freedom. Sometimes people can't help hurting others, sometimes situations mess with a person's mind... but sometimes despite that, you have to leave, you have to find a new sanctuary... because home is where the heart is, and if the heart is gone, then what remains of the home?
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Down but not out
I'm back from Canada!
Things definitely didn't go as planned on that trip, but I managed to salvage what I could, as well as take some very important lessons back home with me.
I made an unexpected business contact who I will be working with here in the states, and through his generosity, I should be able to get a work permit to work within Canada, and make more regular trips up there! It's a beautiful, beautiful country. It didn't want to let me in, but once I earned it, and was willing to take risks, put up with unexpected delays, and confront my fears, it started to feel like home.
Canada was all about learning to roll with the punches, confront myself and what I was afraid of, and trying to put the pieces together that I lost, or ripped from myself at some point in my past. It was about nostalgia and learning to move forward. My friend Victor was a wonderful host, taught me how to walk on ice without falling on my face while I was in Edmonton (my first night there I had a nasty fall, though thankfully he was there to help walk/carry me back to the apartment)
The big thing he helped me gain though, was being able to look at myself critically, and understand when I was going into a mental/emotional tailspin, and how to prevent it from happening. As we get older, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. Some of this seems to be an American thing, but when we want things we want them NOW, and we will scramble and struggle, and grasp for a solution until we're exhausted and blue in the face.
Even as a mage, as someone who should know how to trust the universe, and manipulate the forces at play to better ourselves and bring our goals closer... it had been years since I had not treated life as a struggle, not acted like a caged animal when in a poor situation. I exhaust myself with marketing, with prospecting, when instead of fixating on something and hitting the refresh button obsessively, I should have been planning less exhaustive (and more sensible) strategies, doing things at auspicious times, taking breaks and stepping back, and not overtaxing myself when I know something isn't working or won't work. I'm a mage dammit, and I haven't been acting like it. I've allowed others to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home, I've allowed their insecurities to fuel mine, and I've handed away the reigns for control in my life. No one took them from me, I just ceased to realize that I am responsible for how I react to things in my life.
Those two weeks in Edmonton were full of harsh realizations, but Victor helped me to realize what was going on, what I'd been doing, and how to fix it. He may have to drag me kicking and screaming until I actually find some kind of inner serenity (and he said he would if he had to) but hopefully I'll sort out how to actually relax a little and do things intelligently, going with the flow instead of always being a ball of rushed stress, and hopefully I'll be able to do that without too much kicking and screaming :) I like to think I'm off to a good start at least. The Canadian "no worries" philosophy that I was surrounded by, will definitely help reinforce that too.
Somewhere along the way, I lost a part of myself growing up. I think we all do to some extent, and only some of us get it back. We take on ideas, personas, all in the search for who we are, for some kind of identity, and we sometimes even discard the bits and pieces that were good for us, that defined us, because we were scared. I'm going back to the beginning. I'm going back to when I started my spiritual development, back to my roots with Anubis. He has a lot more to teach me, and while Sekhmet definitely has a lot to teach me as well, I don't think I'll be able to appreciate and understand her lessons properly without a solid foundation that I can understand and raise myself from.
Maybe I just went a little crazy on that 20 hour bus ride back from Canada. That's possible too, but I wrote stuff down, I analyzed myself like crazy, because I had nothing better to do, and I put together and analyzed all the things that have happened to me in the past few weeks. I understand where the hole in myself is, I understand where my problems are, and I've started setting goals. I'm fairly certain at this point, that the fact that all of the wifi spots on my way home mysteriously didn't work, was a plot by the powers that be to get me to write again. I've been doing daily journals, even bi-daily journals. I'm finding that when I try to shirk my meditations, or other workings in favor of internet, or in favor of something else, its getting taken away from me, like a parent taking something away from a disobedient child. Mysteriously, these things are given back to me, or other rewards are given when I do what I'm "supposed" to be doing. So it seems that I've acquired some kind of spiritual babysitter. I'm not going to complain though! It's both annoying and incredibly useful.
While I feel like shaking my fist at the heavens sometimes, it's actually quite brilliant, and adds confirmation that I'm probably not just some mad lunatic who just thinks she sometimes gets visits from Egyptian gods :) Though why the spirits are taking such an interest in me to actually go to these lengths, I'm unclear on. Maybe it's because I'm finally ready to listen, and they know it. I certainly won't claim to know, but I will enjoy the adventure.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Happy New year, and all that jazz
Happy new year everyone! I'm definitely late with this one, but better late than never eh?
I'm up in the frozen north of Alberta, and I'll be here a few more days before I venture back to the states.
It's been an enlightening trip to say the least! Good friends, new friends, tearing down illusions about myself and others, lots of struggles, and creating bonds of trust has been the theme so far in the new year.
At times it's been rough, at times it's been placid, but always its been something new out here. It's a beautiful morning here in Edmonton. While my mornings here have been very lazy as a general rule, today I was nearly up with the sun. As I looked blearily out the window, I was gifted with the sight of freshly fallen snow, illuminated by the golden glow of the rising sun, and a strip of rainbow illuminating the sky next to it.
The past two weeks have been times of trial, deep introspection, and consideration for what my future will be. Some of the goals I came up here for have remained unfulfilled, and that's ok. That was a lesson too, and because of it, I was forced to look very hard at myself, my emotions, and how I have grown (or not) over the years.
If I have any resolution for the new year, it's to learn to be myself, and learn to live without fear of fear. This may mean some very very large upheavals in my life. This may mean sacrificing some of the foundation that I've built. This may mean an extreme change in direction on my priorities. It's important though. I've seen a glimpse of how far my personal rabbit hole goes, and it isn't pretty. I'm 24, and still trying to regain the positive sense of self that I had when I was 16. Something broke somewhere along the way, and I need to fix it. If I don't, the consequences will be grave, and I would be doing myself, and all those who are close to me a disservice to ignore this fact. I finally know what I need to fix, and it won't be easy, but I'm going to do it.
I have a lot planned for the new year. I already know it will be a year of struggle, but I will take those struggles and transform this year into a year of discovery. That, is my resolution, and my promise, for the new year, and I won't let myself settle for anything less.
I'm up in the frozen north of Alberta, and I'll be here a few more days before I venture back to the states.
It's been an enlightening trip to say the least! Good friends, new friends, tearing down illusions about myself and others, lots of struggles, and creating bonds of trust has been the theme so far in the new year.
At times it's been rough, at times it's been placid, but always its been something new out here. It's a beautiful morning here in Edmonton. While my mornings here have been very lazy as a general rule, today I was nearly up with the sun. As I looked blearily out the window, I was gifted with the sight of freshly fallen snow, illuminated by the golden glow of the rising sun, and a strip of rainbow illuminating the sky next to it.
The past two weeks have been times of trial, deep introspection, and consideration for what my future will be. Some of the goals I came up here for have remained unfulfilled, and that's ok. That was a lesson too, and because of it, I was forced to look very hard at myself, my emotions, and how I have grown (or not) over the years.
If I have any resolution for the new year, it's to learn to be myself, and learn to live without fear of fear. This may mean some very very large upheavals in my life. This may mean sacrificing some of the foundation that I've built. This may mean an extreme change in direction on my priorities. It's important though. I've seen a glimpse of how far my personal rabbit hole goes, and it isn't pretty. I'm 24, and still trying to regain the positive sense of self that I had when I was 16. Something broke somewhere along the way, and I need to fix it. If I don't, the consequences will be grave, and I would be doing myself, and all those who are close to me a disservice to ignore this fact. I finally know what I need to fix, and it won't be easy, but I'm going to do it.
I have a lot planned for the new year. I already know it will be a year of struggle, but I will take those struggles and transform this year into a year of discovery. That, is my resolution, and my promise, for the new year, and I won't let myself settle for anything less.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Finally
Finally my little slice of the apartment is starting to come together. I got to work on it at about 3:30 am and worked on it until 5am, crashed for six hours, got up, and worked on it more. I've got a simple altar to Anubis started up, and Sekhmet is next on the list. Mostly I'm still working on cleaning up the random crap and books on the floor, and getting rid of the last of my empty boxes. The space is actually working out quite well, though I was skeptical at first about how small it was. I've managed to make it work.
Here's a couple photos for you voyeuristic types. ;)
I found a couple of crystals when I was cleaning. They used to belong to my boyfriend before he gave up magic. They're quite nice, but they've got a funk about them. Time to
cleanse! Hence the bowl of salt on the chest.
Still got a long way to go, but it's a start!
Here's a couple photos for you voyeuristic types. ;)
I found a couple of crystals when I was cleaning. They used to belong to my boyfriend before he gave up magic. They're quite nice, but they've got a funk about them. Time to
cleanse! Hence the bowl of salt on the chest.
Still got a long way to go, but it's a start!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Printfection store, and Thanksgiving
You know those t-shirts with witty phrases? Of course you do!
While sitting in bed, bleary eyed after a long night of sleep; a phrase of my own came to mind. It came out of nowhere really, but after I looked it up online, I confirmed that I seem to be the first to come up with it:
"Pagans do it with wands and chalices"
I stared at the zero results on google for a moment, and quickly decided I was going to cash in on it while I still could!
So for anyone who's interested, here's a store I made just for the occasion- http://www.printfection.com/mystic-oasis
I have other t-shirt designs in the works(like this one) so I'll probably use this store for a lot more. It's way better than Cafepress as far as quality goes, and there's more of a selection.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I know I'm thankful for all the wonderful people, spirits, and future that is unfolding in my life. Also thankful for random ideas :D
While sitting in bed, bleary eyed after a long night of sleep; a phrase of my own came to mind. It came out of nowhere really, but after I looked it up online, I confirmed that I seem to be the first to come up with it:
"Pagans do it with wands and chalices"
I stared at the zero results on google for a moment, and quickly decided I was going to cash in on it while I still could!
So for anyone who's interested, here's a store I made just for the occasion- http://www.printfection.com/mystic-oasis
I have other t-shirt designs in the works(like this one) so I'll probably use this store for a lot more. It's way better than Cafepress as far as quality goes, and there's more of a selection.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I know I'm thankful for all the wonderful people, spirits, and future that is unfolding in my life. Also thankful for random ideas :D
Monday, November 21, 2011
Moving Forward
There's been a lot of distractions, and uncertainties in my life lately. An uncertain future lies ahead of me. There are many paths I could take, but only two I'm looking at seriously. Sometimes growth means pain. It means overcoming your fears, clinging to life, knowing it's time to let the old self die, and move toward a new life, with new opportunities. Life is a beautiful struggle. When one thing gets easy, another gets harder. There's a balance that is maintained, and sometimes that leads to times when things are easy.
After weeks of struggling, I've finally reached that last place. I'm standing on the brink of a new future, staring across the expanse of the abyss before me. At this moment in time, I'm not afraid. I feel a sense of clarity that I haven't in a long time. My struggles have led to a fantastic career as a model, a confidence in myself that rivals anything I've had before, and a greater sense of self.
While I still haven't been able to set up a proper altar in my new home, for a number of reasons, it hasn't stopped me from embracing the magic in my life. I call upon Anubis and Sekhmet before I sleep, to protect me on my trips to the world of dreams, and illuminate any shadows both within, and outside of the fringes of my consciousness. I am guarded from nightmares, and my dreams seem clearer upon waking.
To help protect myself from the cold bite of winter, when I have to venture outside I see myself as a dog or wolf. The feeling of having a thick coat of fur, and rough paw-pads helps keep me warm, and brings me into a state of mind where I am alert and focused when outside. I'm keenly aware of the world around me. The sights, the smells, my hearing, my physical balance honed to its best.
I thank the spirits that died for the food I consume, and I enchant my food and drink to further grant me health and success in my endeavors.
I may not have a formalized personal space where I can do my magical work, but I live a life of magic. It is the path I walk, the air I breathe, the spirit of my resolve. It cannot be taken from me. It will not be taken from me.
After weeks of struggling, I've finally reached that last place. I'm standing on the brink of a new future, staring across the expanse of the abyss before me. At this moment in time, I'm not afraid. I feel a sense of clarity that I haven't in a long time. My struggles have led to a fantastic career as a model, a confidence in myself that rivals anything I've had before, and a greater sense of self.
While I still haven't been able to set up a proper altar in my new home, for a number of reasons, it hasn't stopped me from embracing the magic in my life. I call upon Anubis and Sekhmet before I sleep, to protect me on my trips to the world of dreams, and illuminate any shadows both within, and outside of the fringes of my consciousness. I am guarded from nightmares, and my dreams seem clearer upon waking.
To help protect myself from the cold bite of winter, when I have to venture outside I see myself as a dog or wolf. The feeling of having a thick coat of fur, and rough paw-pads helps keep me warm, and brings me into a state of mind where I am alert and focused when outside. I'm keenly aware of the world around me. The sights, the smells, my hearing, my physical balance honed to its best.
I thank the spirits that died for the food I consume, and I enchant my food and drink to further grant me health and success in my endeavors.
I may not have a formalized personal space where I can do my magical work, but I live a life of magic. It is the path I walk, the air I breathe, the spirit of my resolve. It cannot be taken from me. It will not be taken from me.
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