Goodbye 2012, Hello Adventure!

I've always found that for me, winter is a time of looking back at where I've been, and who I've been...and looking more closely at who I've grown into. This usually starts around my birthday in November, and the trend continues prominently into the coming new year.

2012 has been a year of trials, heartbreak, fear, and scrambling to survive both inside and outside. I feel like maybe I've somehow come of age. 25 years old, somehow feels like I'm more "adult" than when I turned 18 and crafted my plans of escape into the real world, free of the trappings of my parents dangerous eccentricities, so that I could breathe and find myself.

Ever since last January when I broke through the blocks of my own fear and uncertainty and made spirit communication so much more....simple than it was before.. I've been focused more intently than ever on who I am, why I do the things I do, and ultimately who I want to become.

Some people close to me have started calling me a "priestess" and I don't know if I like that or not. Titles come with baggage, expectations, or at least that's how I feel. I'm not trying to be anyone other than myself. I owe myself at least that much after what I've put myself through the past couple of years. I'm not sure what that title actually means or if I want it. What guidance I've given people over the years has been simple, and usually I let people find their own answers. Answers come from within the SELF not from me. Have I provided aid and comfort to friends with wounded hearts and souls? Have I helped protect those close to me and taught them the bare bones basics of how to cleanse their homes and protect themselves? Yes. Again it all makes me wonder what Priestess actually means, when I do these things as myself, and as a friend.

2012 was all about putting my journey into perspective in a way that I could understand. It brought to light old pains and sorrows, and forced me to deal with harsh realities. It forced me to grow up in a way that I thought I had, but I was mistaken in that. And in those moments of pain and suffering, in those moments when I was at my lowest, I found those who truly care for me, and those who made false promises, and abandoned me when I needed them most. Some of the people who stood there and offered open arms surprised me with their gentleness. I know the people I should truly value in my life now beyond the others. Despite the suffering that I had to endure for that to happen, I'm thankful that I'm no longer chasing shadows and sweet voices crafting illusions for my mind and heart.

I've also discovered that when you're at your lowest, even if you're not someone to take risks, its easy to leap for something new even when you heart is raw. That's half the reason I'm in Pennsylvania right now. I came out here to check the market for clients out this way, and to do some work with people who had already shown interest... but I also came out here because when I was at my lowest, I felt something in someone that I had never felt before.

A good friend who I had known for a...long time, but who had never shown a gentle side, was there for me after I was assaulted a few months ago. He called me every few hours to check on me and make sure I was ok, and he saw through my own lies to myself that I was doing fine. It wasn't some kind of subversive ploy, or comforting words with nothing behind them... there was...a level of love and care in what he was doing, in every word, and every second he took to comfort me and help me find my strength...and it was a level I had never felt before. Somehow, despite how hurt and betrayed I was feeling from...lots of things, somehow I trusted him without question, and knew every word and every emotion I felt from him was sincere.

 While our choice of techniques in magic have always been very different, he's never looked down on me or tried to change me for it, or anything else. My ex...never really was good with empathy. This whole situation helped me to realize how much he'd checked out emotionally. And while I knew it was a huge risk, a few months after I broke up with my ex, I decided to come out here and see how this good friend and I actually connected. We live on completely opposite coasts, but...after staying in his home for two weeks, I genuinely think there's a chance, and there's also mutual interest.

We've worked magic together, had fun with random shenanigans in the woods, including but not limited to snow ball fights, building fire pits in the woods (I built a nice big stone circle for the fire, and it was right next to a river, and it was very damp out, so it was perfectly safe) and even though I got sick and was in bed for nearly a week and managed to hurt my leg, he helped take care of me without complaint and always had hot tea handy.

I'm also making plans to purchase a boat to eventually live on, back in the Seattle-area. Yes I might be going crazy, but if I am, I think I like it...because it's the kind of crazy that brings new adventures into my life, because I'm not afraid of being alive, and because I know which people in my life actually have room for me in their lives. I know which people in my life I should treasure, though thankfully most of them I did already.

 I think the only way to establish my "Kingdom" is to know that it doesn't have anything to do with having lots of money (though that can be nice) but has everything to do with establishing "myself" and being someone that I can be proud of- something that I think the people and spirits in my life would agree with.

So here's to 2012, the year of pain and challenges which helped me to discover what actually matters in life...and here's to the coming 2013 which promises to be very interesting indeed. Perhaps in the next few months, you'll see me blogging from my future yacht. 

Here's to life, the people in my life I cherish, and to adventure!

Lady of the Flame

As the days grow longer, and the air grows colder, I find myself going over the year's events in my mind; the good, and the bad. I think of the choices I made, the cause and effect that brought such things about, and what I can do better in the future, for myself and for others.

I've known that I needed to get back in touch with Sekhmet for some time now, but for one reason or another kept putting things off. I wanted to have the blade completed before I called on her again, but it wasn't in the cards. Something from my recent past came back to haunt me however... and I knew in that moment that I could wait no longer.

Nothing had been done with my assault case. I know that because the person who did it had the gall to contact me, from the phone number I provided to the police, to ask if I wanted to "work" with him again... and yet they claim they don't have enough information to find the guy, and that they're busy working on "more important things" and basically aren't allocating even enough time to find out who the phone number belongs to.

Now, I've had self esteem issues for years. I've questioned what "right" I have to raise my power against others off and on. But by the gods, I was angry! And damn did it feel good. No flashbacks, no "I should have done this, I could have done that" no feelings of fear or vulnerability... just raw, primal fury. The reason I made the police report in the first place wasn't for "my" sake, but for the sake of others who might get reeled in by him- I KNOW he's hurt other people before, and I sure as hell doubt I'll be his last... but apparently my word means nothing to the police. Maybe it's because I'm female. Maybe it's the nature of my work. The bottom line here though is that the "why" doesn't matter. What matters is that nothing is being done.

What does this have to do with Sekhmet? Everything. Sekhmet is the vengeful Will of the gods. She's the fires of anger and passion that judges without mercy. She is strength, her very name is derived from the word Sekhem, the ancient Egyptian word for power, and might.  She takes action for what is, not what might be. I spend too much time worrying about whether any action I take in any situation is Just. I look so closely at situations that I lose the big picture entirely, to the point where the essence of the situation becomes skewed and meaningless. - I need her type of thinking in my life- action not reaction. But it had been months since I had summoned her, and the last time I had, I had tried to use her power for something...that looking back on it... was frankly really petty and I paid the price for it.

I had no completed blade to come to her with, and wasn't sure how I should approach the situation. So I decided to kill two birds with one stone- I had been meaning to get back into painting, so I pulled out a pile of blank paper and a pencil, and I sketched out a couple of ideas. Once I had something I liked, I decided to get started on the actual painting. I spent a few hours here and there, losing myself in my work. I was determined to paint the best picture I have ever done, and to dedicate it to Sekhmet as a show of my devotion to her Mysteries.  Sometimes it felt like I had a pair of feline golden eyes watching me, staring into my soul as I worked. I gave myself a deadline, and stuck to it.

Once it was completed, I waited until the noonday sun was at its peak, and then I called her. I burnt incense for her, I lit a special candle for her, and I offered the painting to her, placing it on the wall above my altar. My altar room was dark except for the light from the bright red candle, and the eyes on the painting seemed to glow from the candlelight. I sat in front of the altar in the dark with her, and we talked for a bit; though mostly she was silent. I confirmed that we were on decent terms, she gave me a few choice words about things I need to do in my life, and that was pretty much that.

The painting itself easily is one of the best I've ever done, if not the best- so I definitely met that goal. The blade? Well I still plan on making it, but I've decided to wait until I have better materials and resources to create the handle. Finances are a little tight as always, but lately they're tight for the right reasons- things like saving money for plane tickets so I can travel and work and build new relationships with clients, and so that I can get health insurance when I get back from my trip to Pennsylvania :)

With that said, casting a handle in copper or bronze and plating it with gold, is a little out of my current price range.  I just feel like cold casting would have been a lot of trouble and money for something that wouldn't turn out as nice as something done "right" involving pouring molten copper and gold- something born from heat and fire. It just feels like for Sekhmet, there NEEDS to be fire involved. Anything less just feels wrong, or half hearted at best.

But for now, contact has been re-established, and I'll be working with her more closely. I will also be making contact with Hathor, so that I may know them both, and learn to balance my passion in anger, with my passion in the arts, and all other things. It's something that's been missing from my life. It comes in spurts, but sporadically. I'm aiming to fix that, and to bring myself more into balance :)

Oh, and here's a photo of that painting I did-

That's all for now. I may be silent until after the new year. Got lots of exciting stuff coming up :)

Halloween

I'm still around, just focusing on things like my Japanese class, and working on getting back to work now that I've taken a couple of months to recover from the assault, mentally and physically.

Taking a couple months off from work means I'm having to start spending most of my time marketing aggressively,  the rest working on my classes, and the rest having some semblance of a social life so that I don't drive myself crazy...well more crazy ;)

As always magic is still a core part of my life, but haven't really had a lot of time to sit down and figure out if I have anything worth talking about much.

Halloween was mostly uneventful. Did some crazy dressing up, experimented with making a dragon prosthetic and doing the makeup for it. I think I succeeded. One of these days maybe I'll get to work on this stuff for films or something. That could be fun.

Hmmm maybe I should whip up a sigil for that and get to work :) Goodness knows I have plenty of free time, right? :P Ah well, I enjoy life anyway. Definitely going to sigilize that shit though and start dong more Jupiter work. I can always make more time.

As for other aspects of Halloween, after I weirded out everyone in my college classes, I came home, and spent some time with the roommates and random friends that showed up. All in all a good night capped off by spending some time in my ritual space in meditation.

I discovered recently that the blade that I'm going to be using for Sekhmet's blade, is indeed a spear head, and not an old knife blade. I spoke with someone much more knowledgeable than I, when it comes to ancient weaponry. Apparently the Greeks, Macedonians, etc, were all using socketed spears like I had thought- but the lower infantry still used things like copper spear points for throwing spears. Because they were cheap, and easy to produce for large numbers of lower ranking soldiers. The implication is that the blade I have was likely used during the time period of Alexander the Great during or after the conquest of Persia (considering the location the seller told me it was from, the type of patina it had before I removed it, and the design of the spear head being decidedly Mediterranean.) The type of spear head itself was designed for piercing leather armor, and not metal. From what I was told, often once a spear was thrown in the middle of battle, it was not recovered. This spear could have found its mark, or it could have been one of the many that missed their target and remained strewn over the battle field. Fascinating stuff really.

I've now designed the handle for the blade, and just need to make it, and get ahold of some of that ren-wax stuff once I clean up the metal again. Once I have that, I can polish up the blade again, and put the wax on to protect it.

In other news, my 25th birthday is coming up. Hopefully it'll mark a change from all of this 2012 hustle and bustle and things will actually slow down a little. (maybe) I'm going to be spending some time with a friend of mine on the East Coast for a few weeks while working to expand the market for my modeling services out that way. I've already picked up some interest from photographers in NYC just with the announcement that I'm traveling to PA to scout things out, so here's to hoping that 2013 is going to be less crazy than 2012, and that I get to meet more interesting people out east :)

Putting things together

Through the chaos of everything you already know about, plus my college classes, learning to be a social butterfly again, and the emotional upheavals enhanced by this year's Harvest moon in Aries... I managed to get my life into some semblance of organization again.

Last night I put together a small, humble altar for my work with Anubis, made a few offerings, and put some time aside to just chill, breathe, and thank him for his support over the years. I plan on expanding my altar-space in the future, but for now it's a start.

I carved the skull you can see here, some years ago. I'm quite fond of working with bone and horn, when I actually have the time and supplies to do so. I'll probably start getting more crafty again now that I feel more secure, and comfortable with my immediate surroundings. This will likely include me starting to do more metal work as well, and probably creating rune sets again. I have a lovely sterling silver set I made myself a few years ago, designed to look like ancient, and worn coins.

Sadly the cost of silver has gone up incredibly in the past few years, so unless I actually get any requests for sterling like these, in the future I'll be sticking with copper.

As for other crafty projects, it looks like I'm going to be working on the Sekhmet blade again. A couple of years ago I was going to create a special blade for use in my work with Sekhmet, mainly as a focus for directing her energy and my Will, towards things that need to be dealt with, with that kind of force. I had, had this idea kicking around my head for a bit, and eventually found a blade for sale online through a reputable seller who I believe had misidentified it as a spearhead. It was said to be from around the time of Alexander the Great, and my research told me that the patina in the images matched things found in that time period and that region. The reason I believe it was misidentified and is actually a dagger blade and not a spearhead is for two reasons: If the piece in question is actually a spearhead, why does it have a tang and no socket? Socketed spears were the norm during that time period from what I know. However it is also possible that I have no idea what I'm talking about here.

But regardless of what it started out as, the price was good, and if I had failed at restoring the blade, I wouldn't be destroying a priceless artifact. They aren't a dime a dozen, but apparently they aren't difficult to come by either. So I started restoring the blade a couple of years ago.

I got about this far before life hit me like a ton of shit-bricks, and the project got put on the backburner. This ranged from relationship troubles, not having the right tools and supplies to create the hilt of the blade, and financial troubles. Two years later, the tough shit is taken care of, and I have some...motivation to put this blade to use for reasons that aren't as petty as the ones I had back then.

While I'm currently taking a break from my usual job to recover from things, and get my bearings again, the only thing at this point that is holding me back is not having all of the supplies I need. At this point I need to get some Renaissance wax to seal and protect the metal once it's sanded completely smooth, and I need to decide what wood I want to use for the hilt. (or I might just do cold-cast bronze or copper)

This blade also symbolizes something- it symbolizes my Will being set into motion, and that even if things are delayed, that Will shall not be denied. It shows my devotion to Sekhmet, the energy she represents, and its completion will be the resurrection of my deeper work with her and her mysteries.

Yes, I think I'm going to be much more crafty in the near future, and putting a lot of little projects together I've let fall by the wayside over the last few years. I'm looking forward to it.

Another post

(trigger warning- this post includes mention and some description of rape/sexual assault) 

I've talked a lot about cutting ties, and how I've cut a lot of people from my life over the years... but what I haven't really talked about is how many wonderful people I've gained in my life.

There are people in my life who I consider family (you know who you are) but none that I share any blood relation with as far as I know. These are people who have stood by me and accepted me, and who know my deepest secrets. These are people who I trust with my life, and in some cases, my soul.
I share many wonderful and deep connections with people who I have adopted as my chosen family.

I used to live a double life, where some people would know that I'm a magical person, and others would have no idea. These days I mostly just live life as myself. If people ask about my religious orientation, I'll tell them. (provided they're being polite about it) Are there some people who I don't really tell about this side of myself? Yes, but I'm not actively trying to hide it either. I'm also at a place in my life where I don't have to be discreet.  I run my own business, I'm at a very liberal college, and I live with a delightfully bizarre group of people who are quite happy to have me here.

It's strange, because I find when I cut ties with people, the void fills up pretty quickly with other people who I may have never met before, or noticed before. Suddenly I have new people in my life to fill the gap, or even completely bridge the gap of where someone else was before. The connections I've been seeing to people over the months has been incredible.... but this is also because when I cut someone out, I find myself seeking out the people who I know I can rely on. I've reconnected to so many people over this last year, because suddenly I realized their value on a level that I may not have before.

People are beautiful. I love people. Sometimes I think it's one of my greatest flaws. I love to the point of excess, and so I forgive to the point of excess, because I know human nature and what it means to be a beautifully flawed creature. I have mixed feelings on this. On one hand, some traditions consider forgiveness to be the greatest virtue. On the other hand....some people are just scum. But the problem lies in the fact that when I look at people, even the bad ones....I see the beaten child, I see the acting out and violence out of perceived helplessness and I can't help but feel sorry for these people, even when I'm the victim. I see everyone's inherent godhood buried under the layers of muck, and I feel sorry that these people may never realize their own worth, or even realize that they're alive. Except in the moment of being harmed, I feel no anger. I feel only pity.

There's this concept of righteous rage, and when I worked with Sekhmet originally I felt it.  It was pure, and strong. It felt "right"so the question I have to ask myself as I ready myself to call on Sekhmet again, to work with her and walk with her, where does righteous rage end, and just "rage" begin? It's not an emotion I'm familiar with anymore. I let go of it a few years ago, or I just turned it off somehow, and buried it under other things. The issue is I don't know. When is rage balanced? When is it "right?"

When I was being held against my will by my attacker, that feral that primal side of me wanted out. It wanted to rip his throat out. But the way I was being restrained...and the injuries I had already been dealt...my rational side told me that dropping into a "beserker" sort of mindset and just letting the animal out to do its damage had the potential of being fatal. There were too many variables, and I'd already discovered that this person could physically overpower me. So I just glared, waiting it out and evaluating every move. The beast was wild behind my eyes, and I know he saw it. I could tell he saw it, and it made a dark part of me proud that such a person could feel fear from me, especially with what he dared to do.

It still amazes me on some level that I was able to hold back...apparently that feral part of my mind understood enough that I was acting in my best interest, the interest of self preservation, of survival. But the rage, the seething fury of being restrained and used in such a way, the desire to break free, and rip, tear, and make this person scream as he faced something he couldn't possibly understand... it was strong, stronger than any rage I can ever remember feeling, and just like with Sekhmet, it felt right, and it felt pure.

So why do I question it now? Why is there this moral dilemma in my mind? This person deserved to die for what they were doing to me, and what they tried to do to me. They gave up the right to life when they took advantage of my trust, and used my body. They may have even tried to get rid of the evidence by killing me, if circumstances had been only slightly different. Am I in such denial of the severity of what happened that I can't feel my own anger? If so, then Sekhmet is the perfect deity to re-align myself with. I have a right to my emotions, and I have a right to my rage. I can feel hints of it on the edges of my perception, and I feel like I have to embrace it, this anger, this fire. Passivity doesn't suit me, especially now.

This really isn't what I wanted this post to be about... but it's what came out, so I guess it's what needed to be said.

Cutting Ties

There comes a time in life when I find that I've cut ties from things and people that I know were unhealthy for me, and still I find that there are still cords in my heart that need to be severed. It's never so simple as just putting your mind to cutting someone out of your life and leaving them. There's always a residue. It can take the form of finding yourself alone and thinking "I should call such and such person" and then remembering that you broke up with that person, or otherwise have distanced yourself from that person recently, or even a long time ago.

Though it's been over two years now, I still find myself sometimes thinking "I should tell my mom about (insert thing here)" and then stop, freeze, and stare at myself for a moment, because its like I just realized my brain short circuited back five years. This used to happen all the time soon after I cut off contact with my parents. It was pretty frequent for about three to six months, when it started to taper down. Now it happens maybe a few times a year if that, when I suddenly seem to forget that I haven't spoken to my family in years, and for good reason.

I find myself going through the same thing now with my recent ex. He used to be my world, but time changed him, and time changed me. It hurts, but this is a fact of life, and just like cutting off contact with my family, I know I did the right thing- at least the right thing for me. Whether it was the right thing for him I can't say, and I can't let myself think too hard on that- that was the same question that led me back to him the last time I broke up with him...and this time there is no going back. I promised myself that, and I promised him that.

There is no place in my life for someone who claims to stand by my side and love me, who cannot understand that saying they love me means nothing if they are only loving a perceived image of who I am, or they think I should be- in that case they are loving a lie...and its clear to me, as clear as day that this is what was going on despite the insistent claims otherwise. I can not be loved by someone who knows the true me and yet turns their back on it, and yet fails to support me when I needed it most. Words are words, actions are actions. Words mean nothing when there are no actions to support them.

These are the harsh, but vital lessons that have been moving through my life- those of strict analysis of my life, the people in it, and how they may be helping me or hindering me...and that as a healer, sometimes people have to be harmed to be helped. So I've cut myself off...and the sudden change of perspective has been incredible. There are still bonds that need to be cut in this, but it will take time before they can be severed completely. I still have incredible and wonderful people in my life who actually do accept me and love me as I am, and expect me to be nothing less than myself. Maybe someday I'll actually find my other half who also understands that. I don't know.

What matters now is to throw myself back into the world and to live, instead of looking back at what could have been, and what never will be. I know what it is to love, and I know what it is to live. I haven't been doing either of those things for a while, and it made me vulnerable, blind, and in some cases deaf to warnings I shrugged off instead of acknowledged.

I'm back in college, making friends, learning a new language, and learning about a culture I've always been fascinated with (Japanese) and most of all, I'm rediscovering myself, and what it is to love myself as I am. I'm throwing away the chains I've put on myself, and rediscovering my Will...because I see now that I let it be trampled on, because I let myself be afraid, and I let that fear control me. I was afraid to be alone...or more accurately that without Tony I would be alone. Without his mother, without his father, that what...fragile a family I have built for myself would be gone.

But I've lived my life without family. I never considered my ties to my blood family strong, even when I lived with them. To me, they were people who were supposed to love me but never did. So I moved on, and I made myself a family of the soul...and that right there is what matters. While the circle of people I would trust with my life, the people I call brother or sister, are few... they still exist, even if I may rarely see their faces. They are with me in my heart, and that matters more than any physical presence, even if the physical closeness of a tender hug, the gentle touch of a lover, are something I miss terribly.

 I'd lost that before I broke up with Tony though- I lost that when he lost himself. I'd been ambling along for a good year trying to make sense of what had happened, before I finally accepted things as they were and made the necessary decisions to move on.  Despite that, he's still in my heart, just like my mother, my father, my sister, and her family, who I removed from my life out of necessity, out of a need for safety and my own sanity. He's going to become another name on the list of people I think of sometimes, and may or may not feel a pang of guilt about...and there's nothing I can do about that other than suck it up like always, and to my best to carry on. It's life, and it's the life I've chosen for myself, in accordance with my Will.

I don't know if the ties will ever be completely cut. I spent a large portion of my life with the people who still have some connection to my heart though I have tried to cut them from it. I can't cut them out completely, because I would be forced to cut out a part of myself, and my own past. I can't change what happened in these cases, but I can look at it, and accept it as it is- an opportunity for something new, something better, something I can look at with clear eyes and an open heart, and maybe have a greater understanding of what it means to be myself.

I'm the only one who can bind myself to things or people. The fact that the ties remain are because I let them, because I refuse to destroy myself. I love myself too much for that, even though sometimes I question how true that is.

Anubis taught me that it's ok to rely on others...and Sekhmet taught me to stand on my own two feet. Upwawet is preparing me for...something, and teaching me how to see the world, and myself as it is. It's cold, analytical, but strangely as I move through this shameless analysis of everything, my deepest desires and my deepest fears, I find myself understanding and being able to bring forward my own emotions. Where I was to some degree numb before, I find that I can feel my heart again.... and for now, that's enough.

Breaking the Silence

I've come a long way since January of this year, and a long way over the last few years. Some of my posts I look back on and think "man that was stupid of me, how could I have thought that?" But that's the point of keeping a blog like this- to show myself how I've been evolving, and to show others what it looks like to live this kind of life.

 Last night was a time of change, and it was a change that needed to happen- I broke up with someone who I loved dearly, but who has failed to show me the right kind of support over the last few months. Strangers had shown me more support as I struggled to understand my emotions and the trauma I recently went through, and I could feel the emotions of the people reaching out to me, and their concern.. but he wasn't there, and he was the one person who should have been... but ever since I've gone deeper down the rabbit hole, ever since after this last January when I took a spiritual journey to Canada, a light switch came on, and suddenly I didn't need to drop into deep trances anymore to communicate with the spirits in my life.

It overwhelmed me. I went from being in an altered state from lack of sleep on a greyhound bus coming home from Canada and chatting with Anubis because I discovered I could, to something falling into place and this becoming my norm. (not that he's super chatty in the first place, but I certainly heard a lot from him the first week when I was getting used to everything) I was unsure whether I had gone crazy, and with my relationship already strained from other circumstances surrounding my SO's lack of belief in my practices... things steadily approached the breaking point.

I have been checking myself for months to make sure that I'm not schizophrenic, or having some other kind of delusion. When I've been told something in my mind that I couldn't know otherwise, I check the sources. This has been everything from knowledge of herbs for healing/dulling pain, to historical/religious information, to warning me of trouble. The entity claims to be Anubis, "looks" like him, and has even been giving me magical advice in various situations, helping me to come to new techniques that I wouldn't have otherwise. At first I considered that this might be some kind of entity trying to trick me, but this has been months now, the feeling of his energy is the same as it always has been over the years.

I feel strange talking about this, but I feel like it's time to break the silence on this matter. Something happened, and I'm not sure what. Yes some things in Canada rattled my world, rattled my perception of it...but it seems strange to me that such mundane things would reflect on a magical level, as I've never had anything happen like this before on such a scale.

Something opened up my perception to another level. I can feel, I can hear, and in my mind's eye I can sometimes see the spirits/gods I'm working with, and I don't really have words for my emotions surrounding this. Awe? Fear that I could still be wrong, and this could just be some kind of protective delusion created by the mind of a girl who has been hurt one too many times? I don't know. I have no road map, and I can only try to be vigilant and balanced in all that I do.

Desert Healing

I spent my last week in the desert to heal and to re-gain strength and understanding after a terrible ordeal.  I spent some time up at Pine Mountain at the edge of the Great Basin. I hiked out beyond the barbed wire fence, with my trusty camera, and followed my intuition on where to go. After a bit, I reached a point that had a view unlike anything I had ever seen. I cleansed myself with the wild sage that grew there, and opened myself to the universe. The energy was incredible, and I had some spiritual encounters there, which are too personal to write about here, and it introduced me on a deeper level to some Netjer who I had been somewhat unfamiliar with.

Not only did I have some experiences which challenged and changed some of the theories I had about the entities I work with, but there was something incredible about working magic by a sliver of moonlight at the top of a volcano, overlooking completely uninhabited wilderness. (I’m normally not this dramatic, but after having a really bad time of things, I needed a boost to make myself feel awesome. And what isn’t awesome about doing spiritual work on a volcano by moonlight?)

After a couple of recent encounters with Upwawet, I’m reconsidering my ideas on trying to put the Netjer on the tree of life. While I thought it might help me to understand how they relate to each other more, and the spheres they may rule, this does not appear to be the case. While I do feel I was right about Upwawet being…darker than Anubis in his attitudes, I think the examples I gave in my previous post were exaggerated and severe compared to the actual attitude of this god.

I’m still processing a….ridiculous amount of things, and working on putting my life back together after the recent trauma. Thankfully I have people in my life who love and care about me, who are helping me through these recent events, and spirits who are willing to help me to see myself and the world as it is, and not as what I fear. 

I may write in more detail about some things later, but for now this is enough.

New Design

I futzed around in Photoshop and designed a banner/header for the blog. I also changed the width of the area for text, and I've started messing with some of the cooler features of blogger. 

What do you guys think?

More about Netjer than you can shake a stick at

The title of this blog is "Dances with Netjer" but where've the posts about Netjer been!? Here's something with bits from my personal journal to satisfy your hunger :)

 In one of my previous posts I mentioned that I'm trying to look more at other Egyptian deities, and examine my own practices more. As a Hermetic Egypto-pagan,  I felt that one way to start doing this would be to examine the basic natures of the deities who have made themselves apparent to me in my life. To do this, I began trying to look at their basic qualities, and place them on the tree of life. I backed this up with research and ideas that are already prevalent in various sections of the occult community.  Below is a very stream-of-consciousness piece that I took from my personal journal focused on furthering an understanding of the spirits I work with.

I do something that I'm not sure that many others do. I incorporate the idea that the sephera are not limited by purely "holiness" and that as all other things they can have positive an negative aspects which for simplicity sake I differentiate between by referring to the negative pole of a sephera as the "lower vibration" of any particular sephera mentioned.

With this in mind, if I were to place the deities I work with on the tree of life: 

Anubis is Hod, Wepwawet (also known as Apuat) is his lower vibration. Sekhmet is the lower vibration of Hathor, who is Netzatch. Despite being on opposite sides of the reversed tree, Sekhmet and Wepwawet have something in common – they are both war deities.

Sekhmet of lower Netzatch, is ruled by her emotions. She fights, she slaughters in the name of her God, of Ra who sends her to purify the land of those who have turned their back on the gods. She is unbridled furious emotion gone out of control. Her rage consumes her and the “reason” is forgotten.

Wepwawet is also a war deity, but while Anubis carries the truth, the pure knowledge of Hod, Anubis is a more gentle and kind protector, like cool flowing water. Wepwawet of lower Hod is the cold calculating knowledge combined with the blazing hot sun. His heart is in his work. He is the calculating war general. People are pawns for war and to him everything/everyone is expendable except for the purpose he is summoned for (and himself) He does what he is tasked to do, but he will do it in the most simple and logical way, which may or may not involve harming others. Unlike Anubis he is more egotistic, and as he is a bearer of knowledge of logic, it wouldn't be inaccurate to say that he always has to get the last word, and always has to be correct in everything.

Do not misunderstand, there is no mal-intent here, and this isn’t to say that he is completely without emotion, but calculated plans are more important to him than emotion. Both Anubis and Wepwawet will “open the way” but Anubis is more keen to grasp and take into account the underlying desires that you may or may not voice. This is simply my opinion based on what I have encountered. I understand it may be different for others.

Looking at Wepwawet and Sekhmet, their purviews cross as solar war deities, but very unlike Wepwawet, once Sekhmet is set loose no reason is needed anymore. Everyone is ripe for the slaughter. If I had to phrase it more simply, Sekhmet is Instinct, Wepwawet is Thought. 

“But Silv!” You may ask, “What about your experiences with Sekhmet where she wasn’t a bloodthirsty rage-lion?”

My response would be that this doesn’t invalidate that, because Hathor and Sekhmet are two sides of the same coin. Sekhmet is a goddess of emotion, of devotion. Hathor is not a killer; Sekhmet is and can easily get caught up in the power of emotion and forget reason. This doesn’t mean that she is “always” in a state of perpetual bloodlust, but unlike Hathor that is still in her nature regardless.

I found myself wondering where the other gods would fit in the tree of life…. Then I realized that there could be other gods that can still be ruled by the same influences as Anubis/Wepwawet Hathor/Sekhmet! Why am I limiting myself to one god or goddess ruled by one Sephera? Hell, It’s been more or less clear that Bast/Sekhmet overlap in some ways. Other aspects of the same god/goddess could still be covered as well. It shows how a simple change of perspective can turn things on their head. ( I wonder where Hermanubis would fall? Hmmmm)

Despite this, I have no idea if putting other gods/goddesses under the same Sephera would be accurate, and I have yet to seriously look at whether it would work it is only up for consideration because I feel it’s something that should be considered.

Does this mean I have to throw out my theory of where these Egyptian gods and goddesses fit on the Tree of Life? Nope. This just gives me more to work with, and tells me that I might want to take a closer look at things.

Over the years my study has been leading me deeper and deeper into the beautiful clusterfuck intricacies of Ancient Egyptian cosmology.  One of these days I need to take an actual academic course in Egyptology. I’m sure I could learn so much more about the beliefs and every day life of these people, and how they interacted with and viewed their gods. Books, and the Internet are wonderful, but there’s just so much out there!

As wonderful as UPG is, I find it even more satisfying to back up UPG with solid academic facts. After a chat with Anubis (or others) I always check academic sources to see if there is anything that backs up new “knowledge” I might have obtained from what would otherwise be considered a voice in the head of a girl who thinks she might talk to Ancient Egyptian gods. My experiences in this regard have grown much stronger over the past six months, and validation has become a necessity to make sure I keep myself in check.

Wanting academic validation does not invalidate faith, and having faith doesn't invalidate logic. I’ve heard this before, and I think it’s foolish. Spirit communication isn’t always clear. One “word” can mean many different things depending on context in my experience, and sometimes multiple meanings are inherent in a single thing. Checking for validation can correct you where you might have misunderstood something, or even give you more information that for whatever reason wasn’t communicated. 

 We are our own worst enemy, and it's important to remember this when on a magical path. Its easy to get caught up in wanting to be right, to the point that you can't admit when you're wrong... and believe me I could be wrong about everything ;)

I'm a Mage

A few weeks ago, I started doing more work to get what I need out of the universe.
I'll be honest, despite calling myself a "Mage" for the better part of my teenage years and up until recently, I hadn't really applied myself when it comes to asking the universe for things. I didn't ask for money, I didn't try to control my environment, or influence much of anything. I healed friends, did readings to try to understand what forces were at play in my life and the lives of others when things got hairy.

Yeah I did my shapeshifting thing, chatted with Anubis now and then, did my LBRPs... but the most I really did to deliberately influence the world around me was work with Fotamecus to do things like make the day go by more quickly when I was bored/having a bad day, or slow things down when the sun was rising and I needed to actually get a decent bit of sleep before class. I've never really seen the need to go after money or to establish myself as master of my domain....and then I stepped into the adult world, and shut the door on the people who kept throwing money at me before, in an attempt to control me, and keep me from taking the steps that I needed to. Before long, I was at the mercy of the universe because I dared to do the right thing, and worked my ass off to grow into a better and stronger person.

I once was afraid of the idea of summoning spirits for help, of delving too deeply into this world, out of fear that I would go insane like so many others I know who've pursued the path of magic over the years and lost their abilities to live normally in society. Somehow after being on the brink of losing myself and nearly everything I cared for(combination of a bad prescription for a health issue and lots of real life drama earlier this year that I've been pulling myself out of) I've hit a point beyond what I had experienced before. I shattered when my world did.... but I was able to build myself up again. My own perception of myself and the people around me has shifted in a significant and life-changing way that I can't begin to explain. There's more...depth to everything, and I've become significantly aware of more of the layers of cause and effect in the world, which in turn has boosted my empathy, and brought me back to a point that I thought I had lost when I was a child. The world seems more full of color and wonder. I won't call it innocence, because I'm not so naive; but there's something to this world that I think I lost my understanding of on the way. 

I'm learning how to just BE again, but not in a way that means I won't work my ass off to protect myself and those I care about. There seems to be an idea in the world right now that negativity in our lives is of our own making, and some apparently will even go as far to say that if someone is being attacked, that it's their karma, and that the Magician should do nothing.... and I want to call bullshit on that. Is it my fault that I was born into an abusive household? Is it my young nephew's fault that his father thinks it's ok to put a shock collar on his neck as a form of punishment? Fuck no it isn't!

Is it someone's fault when they gamble away all of their money instead of paying a mortgage and taking care of their family? You bet! In the first situation, any responsible, GOOD person, should interfere, and though to this day I have no idea about the state of my nephew because I was forced to cut off ties with my toxic family, I did my damnedest behind the scenes to point authorities in the right direction, to open an investigation with the California State Department of Children's Services. I did what I could. I have no regrets.

 I wish someone had worked half as hard to get me out of my situation as a child instead of pretending my parents were lovely sane people. Maybe if they had, I wouldn't have been forced into a cosmetic surgery at 9 years old, the effects of which now allow me to use my legs as barometers, and sometimes leave me nearly crippled a few weeks out of the year. Anyone who says that I brought that situation upon myself, can take that opinion and shove it. I didn't subconsciously want to have my legs ripped open, broken, and have bolts shoved in them so I could spend the rest of my life wondering if I'd be able to walk or carry something the next day. Who the fuck would?

There's a point when the "everything negative in your life happens because of you" ends, and I think we as magicians really need to realize this. If you believe that, and you allow others to be harmed because it's "their karma" you need to look in the fucking mirror and realize that what you're experiencing is sociopathic behavior and thinking that you're somehow "more enlightened" because of it, is bullshit. Yeah I'm sure I'm going to get some flack for this, but frankly I don't give a damn, because I actually stand up for what I believe in, instead of hiding behind false hypocritical ideals. I'd be doing myself, and those in my life, physical and spiritual, a disservice to do otherwise.

I'm a Mage damn it, and so I'm going to do my damnedest to grow into the best person I can be. There is no going back, and no reason to. There's nothing to do but go forward, and establish my personal domain. The first steps have already been taken, and things are moving into place beautifully. All I had to do was ask, be honest with myself, and put forth the appropriate effort.

Dealing with Troubles

When following your own magical path, there are plenty of times when you look at yourself and say "What am I doing? Why am I doing it? Should I incorporate certain rituals or ideas into my practice?"

After a lot of changes in my life happened all at once, I've begun seriously looking at what I do, and why I do it. I've been considering it may be time to work with more of the Egyptian Pantheon, and to also re-kindle my relationship with Sekhmet. I know I could use her lessons again, especially as I build myself up from the ground up again. Anubis has been an ever- present influence in my life since things took a nose dive a few months ago. I feel like this has certainly helped hold me together, and assisted in guiding me through the darkness that appeared in my life. There are times I am uncertain whether I am speaking with this entity, or whether I'm simply mad. What I do know is that when I speak with him, sometimes it feels like he answers.

 His answers are not spoken words, but images, ideas, impressions that suddenly appear nebulous in my mind, that have to be translated layer by layer into something that can be understood by words. Sometimes the answers are hard, sometimes they are painful, sometimes they're encouraging... but they always seem to end up representing the stark reality of existence, whether good or bad. If I am beating myself up over something foolish, I'm essentially told so. If I'm missing important details and acting like a dog chasing its tail... its the same. I am never given the answers to these situations, but always encouraged to seek them out. It sort of feels like that moment when you're doing a reading, flip a card over, and a lightbulb comes on, and suddenly more of the world makes sense. Perhaps if I'm mad, I don't want to be sane... but back to what this entry was originally going to be about.

A lot of people in my life seem to have some element of working with Ancestors in their practice. I find myself drawn to the idea, but unable to approach it. I come from a a family who I have cut my ties to, a family that was deaf to my suffering, my abuse at the hands of my parents, and the abuse of my nephew by his father.

It was a family that never seemed to care about anything but pretending to be a family, getting together to drink expensive wine and cocktails (or at least I assume it was expensive) and feast on Thanksgiving turkey and cured hams. Atrocities against the children or the women in my family were ignored, and everyone seemed to believe that they actually deserved the violation of mind and body that was received.  My childhood was anything but happy, even if I did usually have enough food to eat, and a roof over my head. I never heard stories about those who had passed on in the family, and it seemed that talking about the family tree was mostly taboo. (I have my suspicions as to why, but what mixed blood runs where in my family I'm not sure about) Considering I have cut my ties to those who are still living...mainly for my own safety (and what little sanity I have left) I wonder if approaching my ancestors is even safe. I wonder if they were even good people, if I would get a response, and if it would be one that I actually desired.

I find myself drawn to the idea regardless, out of a sort of romanticism. The idea of being able to have "family" where I feel myself to have none (other than chosen family) and there is certainly a hole in my heart from cutting people out of my life who have done almost nothing but harm me. Maybe it's some kind of Stockholm syndrome shit or something. It seems silly, but more than half of my life was spent with these people, and that's a hard thing to shake. Two years of giving them the middle finger by ripping up checks sent in the mail to try to win me over, moving and changing my name won't change that. The hole is still there, and I wonder if this is how to close it, to close the old chapters of my life and to move forward.... but I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know what ancestor spirits are like. I don't even know if this would help with what I want it to help. I'm not going to assume the new age idea of these people who have passed on somehow being completely accepting and beings of light. I know better than to make assumptions when it comes to magic, and I think before I can take the idea beyond an idea I need to find out if it's even remotely a good idea.

I'm not sure what to do here, and I welcome the input of anyone who has experience in this area.

Unexpected

Just when you think you know what's going on, just when you think you've made the right choices, life throws a curve-ball that makes you go "what the fuck just happened, and where did these all of these skid marks come from?"

That's kind of how my life feels right now. It's like for months I've been moving forward, looking at the world in a very specific way, and suddenly someone turned on the lights. I've been pulling the 8 of wands a lot lately, along with the Moon. Maybe that has something to do with those skid marks I mentioned. I kept going one way, then another, and I was so sure I understood what was going on. There's always layers to these things though, and in my arrogance I missed my own self-deceptions.

Needless to say, when the Moon is involved, things are never as they seem. I was so caught up in what I thought was going on, that I failed to realize just how bizarre the situation I was in was. My life is full of bizarre, I'm a Magician after all. I figured I would recognize bizarre when I saw it. I knew "something" was off, but failed to actually say "maybe its me" until a higher voice essentially
came to me and said "STOP!" right when I was about to put together some more capsules full of the herb my herbalist had prescribed to me for some health issues.

Once I actually stopped, I remembered.  Those herbs I was mixing up? I'd done a little bit of research on them before I started taking them. Side effects were uncommon, but when they did happen, they were pretty nasty, and included things like anxiety, paranoia, and depression. Then it all fell into place. The light came on, and I saw how I'd been destroying my life with misguided suspicions, and unreasonable fears. I saw how I'd been running one way, put on the brakes, and then started running another way. I had known that there was a problem, but....once you get wrapped up in that kind of mental state, that kind of paranoia and fear, you can forget that problems often come from within and not always from other people.

My herbalist hadn't even told me that this herb HAD side effects like that. I guess that should have been warning sign number one. But when you have a health issue and conventional medicine hasn't helped, I guess desperation can cloud judgement. Tony was supposed to help me watch out for these symptoms, but we both forgot, so I can't really blame him.

I guess the lesson I've learned from this, is that when things don't make sense, don't keep charging ahead out of desperation. I had the tools I needed, but because I was already convinced I knew what was going on, I didn't use them properly. Part of being a Mage is seeing through the illusions, the self-deceptions, and finding the Truth.  Sometimes the truth is embarrassing, but that doesn't keep it from being the truth. The spirits in my life can help me to see clearly, but in the end its up to me whether or not I see the information given for what it is.

The Path to Freedom

When we discover that the cages that we are in are of our own making, even when we know it, it can be difficult to leave them. The things that are familiar are comfortable, and we as humans struggle against the unknown. Again with the struggling instead of the trusting in the universe, instead of taking the reigns, or being forced into making a lock-pick if you are unable to locate a key.

The path to freeing ourselves from ourselves is a tricky one! First we have to see that we're trapped, and then we have to make ourselves care enough to do something about it. This could be as easy as valuing Truth above all else, and living in a way that strives to make us better and stronger people. Or it could be a convoluted mess of tangles and snarls; like a long string of yarn that after years of being unnoticed, is suddenly discovered in a terrible knot under the sofa. You discover it when you need it, and then it becomes a problem you have to fix.  Such is life.

We may have to drag ourselves, kicking and screaming until a solution is found to untangle the mess of our own lives. In my case, loving someone and knowing when to let them go has been a huge challenge. It doesn't matter how much you read the tarot, throw your runes, or ask the universe for prophetic dreams- matters of the heart, and how these tie in with our stability, our safety, and our sanity, can never be fully predicted, nor fixed with the burning of a candle, or the wave of a wand.

The "right" path becomes the path that we chose for ourselves. This I think is Karma. We walk the path of life, make our choices, and understand that there will be both positives and negatives to our choices.  But these things are our choices. We can choose to leave a poor situation, to run away without looking back, possibly hurting others in the process... but this shouldn't be the only option other than "stay in a poor situation"  As a Hermeticist I have to ask, what is the middle path? It may not seem like there is one at first, but my philosophy has always been "there is always a way, you just have to find it" and so life for the longest time in my mind was a struggle to find "the way" for every single thing that I felt I needed.While the philosophy was good, my reaction to it has been poor.

Choices have to be weighed, evaluated, and processed before the situation as a whole can be digested. What does this have to do with magic? Everything. It has to do with our Will, and understanding the universe and ourselves. Balance...temperance, is important in all things. Just as harsh choices should be avoided, if you're running on a time limit, hemming and hawing over what to do about a situation could be worse than choosing what appears to be a poor option. This understanding is a part of mastering the self, mastering fear of fear, and ultimately knowing yourself and taking control of your life.

Fear of fear is the door to self-doubt, weakness, and ultimately the downfall of the self. Sometimes you have to take that leap into the unknown. Use what trust in yourself you have, and the trust in the universe, and pray you'll fly. Sometimes you will, sometimes you'll fall anyway...but in nearly all cases, you'll always be able to get up again, no matter how many times you fall.

If you find yourself caught between extremes, take a break, and look for the middle way. You might be surprised at what you find. If I keep doing this, maybe I'll find a way out of the pit I've dug for myself, and maybe I won't hurt anyone when I claw my way up, and out to the light of freedom. Sometimes people can't help hurting others, sometimes situations mess with a person's mind... but sometimes despite that, you have to leave, you have to find a new sanctuary... because home is where the heart is, and if the heart is gone, then what remains of the home?

Down but not out

I'm back from Canada!

Things definitely didn't go as planned on that trip, but I managed to salvage what I could, as well as take some very important lessons back home with me. 

I made an unexpected business contact who I will be working with here in the states, and through his generosity, I should be able to get a work permit to work within Canada, and make more regular trips up there! It's a beautiful, beautiful country. It didn't want to let me in, but once I earned it, and was willing to take risks, put up with unexpected delays, and confront my fears, it started to feel like home.

Canada was all about learning to roll with the punches, confront myself and what I was afraid of, and trying to put the pieces together that I lost, or ripped from myself at some point in my past. It was about nostalgia and learning to move forward. My friend Victor was a wonderful host, taught me how to walk on ice without falling on my face while I was in Edmonton (my first night there I had a nasty fall, though thankfully he was there to help walk/carry me back to the apartment) 

The big thing he helped me gain though, was being able to look at myself critically, and understand when I was going into a mental/emotional tailspin, and how to prevent it from happening. As we get older, we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life. Some of this seems to be an American thing, but when we want things we want them NOW, and we will scramble and struggle, and grasp for a solution until we're exhausted and blue in the face.

Even as a mage, as someone who should know how to trust the universe, and manipulate the forces at play to better ourselves and bring our goals closer... it had been years since I had not treated life as a struggle, not acted like a caged animal when in a poor situation. I exhaust myself with marketing, with prospecting, when instead of fixating on something and hitting the refresh button obsessively, I should have been planning less exhaustive (and more sensible) strategies, doing things at auspicious times, taking breaks and stepping back, and not overtaxing myself when I know something isn't working or won't work. I'm a mage dammit, and I haven't been acting like it.  I've allowed others to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home, I've allowed their insecurities to fuel mine, and I've handed away the reigns for control in my life. No one took them from me, I just ceased to realize that I am responsible for how I react to things in my life.

Those two weeks in Edmonton were full of harsh realizations, but Victor helped me to realize what was going on, what I'd been doing, and how to fix it. He may have to drag me kicking and screaming until I actually find some kind of inner serenity (and he said he would if he had to) but hopefully I'll sort out how to actually relax a little and do things intelligently, going with the flow instead of always being a ball of rushed stress, and hopefully I'll be able to do that without too much kicking and screaming :) I like to think I'm off to a good start at least. The Canadian "no worries" philosophy that I was surrounded by, will definitely help reinforce that too. 

Somewhere along the way, I lost a part of myself growing up. I think we all do to some extent, and only some of us get it back. We take on ideas, personas, all in the search for who we are, for some kind of identity, and we sometimes even discard the bits and pieces that were good for us, that defined us, because we were scared. I'm going back to the beginning. I'm going back to when I started my spiritual development, back to my roots with Anubis. He has a lot more to teach me, and while Sekhmet definitely has a lot to teach me as well, I don't think I'll be able to appreciate and understand her lessons properly without a solid foundation that I can understand and raise myself from. 

Maybe I just went a little crazy on that 20 hour bus ride back from Canada. That's possible too, but I wrote stuff down, I analyzed myself like crazy, because I had nothing better to do, and I put together and analyzed all the things that have happened to me in the past few weeks. I understand where the hole in myself is, I understand where my problems are, and I've started setting goals. I'm fairly certain at this point, that the fact that all of the wifi spots on my way home mysteriously didn't work, was a plot by the powers that be to get me to write again. I've been doing daily journals, even bi-daily journals. I'm finding that when I try to shirk my meditations, or other workings in favor of internet, or in favor of something else, its getting taken away from me, like a parent taking something away from a disobedient child. Mysteriously, these things are given back to me, or other rewards are given when I do what I'm "supposed" to be doing. So it seems that I've acquired some kind of spiritual babysitter. I'm not going to complain though! It's both annoying and incredibly useful. 

While I feel like shaking my fist at the heavens sometimes, it's actually quite brilliant, and adds confirmation that I'm probably not just some mad lunatic who just thinks she sometimes gets visits from Egyptian gods :) Though why the spirits are taking such an interest in me to actually go to these lengths, I'm unclear on. Maybe it's because I'm finally ready to listen, and they know it. I certainly won't claim to know, but I will enjoy the adventure.

 

Happy New year, and all that jazz

Happy new year everyone! I'm definitely late with this one, but better late than never eh?
I'm up in the frozen north of Alberta, and I'll be here a few more days before I venture back to the states.
It's been an enlightening trip to say the least! Good friends, new friends, tearing down illusions about myself and others, lots of struggles, and creating bonds of trust has been the theme so far in the new year.

At times it's been rough, at times it's been placid, but always its been something new out here. It's a beautiful morning here in Edmonton. While my mornings here have been very lazy as a general rule, today I was nearly up with the sun. As I looked blearily out the window, I was gifted with the sight of freshly fallen snow, illuminated by the golden glow of the rising sun, and a strip of rainbow illuminating the sky next to it.

The past two weeks have been times of trial, deep introspection, and consideration for what my future will be. Some of the goals I came up here for have remained unfulfilled, and that's ok. That was a lesson too, and because of it, I was forced to look very hard at myself, my emotions, and how I have grown (or not) over the years.

If I have any resolution for the new year, it's to learn to be myself, and learn to live without fear of fear. This may mean some very very large upheavals in my life. This may mean sacrificing some of the foundation that I've built. This may mean an extreme change in direction on my priorities. It's important though. I've seen a glimpse of how far my personal rabbit hole goes, and it isn't pretty. I'm 24, and still trying to regain the positive sense of self that I had when I was 16. Something broke somewhere along the way, and I need to fix it. If I don't, the consequences will be grave, and I would be doing myself, and all those who are close to me a disservice to ignore this fact. I finally know what I need to fix, and it won't be easy, but I'm going to do it.

I have a lot planned for the new year. I already know it will be a year of struggle, but I will take those struggles and transform this year into a year of discovery. That, is my resolution, and my promise, for the new year, and I won't let myself settle for anything less.