2022

It's been a while since I've posted here.

Some of you have probably been wondering if I'm alive. Yes, I'm alive. Yes, I still think and write deeply on topics...though most of it has been for my own records and understanding.

I hesitate to say that I've become more of an armchair magician, but at some point during the height of isolation in my shed in the woods, I connected to something I hadn't before.

I realized my lack of knowledge, and strove to correct it. Since then I have re-acquainted myself with world mythology, history of ancient human migrations, and the evolution of language, my own perceptions colored by my own spoken language,  and started trying to unravel the symbol-language that exists within my own head. 

This is related to archetypes, but the archetypes themselves seem to be... influenced by a sort of allegorical symbol image-language in my own mind, that appears to be influenced by, or echoed by symbols used in storytelling and mythology through the ages. Trying to understand this has also started to finally unlock the tarot for me more, as well as the mystery of my own inner self-imagery. 

This I think at least for me, is part of the Great Work. - unraveling the tangle of time, and lost meanings of things, uncovering what is in plain sight, but unknown, dragging these things out of the darkness...especially when it comes to my own subconscious. 

To give an example of the rabbit hole I have found myself in:

Did you know that the modern word cracker, and the ancient Sanskrit for chakri/chakram, or circle are related? This is because in the area around ancient India and the Iranian Plateau, bread was not made with yeast, it was instead a round, unleavened flat bread, and sometimes these were baked into hard, crisp circles, more like we would associate with crackers or snack food today. Part of this region was also known as Bactria, which we can infer was known for its bread making, or specifically the processing of cereals with a wooden rod for pounding or stirring...as the Greek word baktron, refers to a staff, and Greek is closely related to ancient languages from the Iranian plateau. The Sanskrit word pac, which refers to the act of stirring, or baking, is considered to be the origin of the Greek root word bac/bak, as the B and P sounds are considered closely related linguistically.

The flat bread called bhakri, appears to have come from the same general area, and may have influenced our modern word for the place of bread-making, or the bakery. Thus food shapes, prep tools, and food-related place names from thousands of years ago, have shaped the concept of baking and crackers through the transmission of language and and now-ancient culture, across time and space into the present.

Often without thinking about it, we are influenced by our language and its history in ways that are difficult to fathom. Understanding ancient root words can help inform us to great changes that may have happened in history and religion as well. I think this is extremely important when it comes to being able to extrapolate how ancient people thought, back when the world was governed by pre-Christian thought and imagery....and I think that actually trying to understand their way of thinking, is crucial to trying to realize how our ancestors actually thought, and how it may differ from how we think now.

How does this tie in with the Great Work, and the symbolism of the tarot? It's because ancient peoples appear to have viewed the world and its workings through what we would now consider Hermetic principles.

The primary one that should be noted is the rule "As above so below" We as students of the mysteries hear this a lot, and have probably stumbled through trying to understand and apply it.

Because Pagan thought and philosophy in ancient Greece is probably the most well-documented, outside of Egypt and India, I will attempt to use it to explain this concept in a way that I hope people will be able to understand, and also understand the inner language within us. 

History tells us that there were groves of oak trees that were also somehow related to Zeus. The branches of the oaks reached towards the heavens, and the branches of oak trees fork like thunderbolts. Because the trees themselves were strong, old, and touched the heavens with a shape akin to lightning (and they were sometimes struck by lightning) they became considered a place where the Zeus would dwell, or be invoked into, and were thus sacred. 

How long has it been since you really looked at an oak tree? Have you ever considered its shape, and applied its mighty forking branches to memory? If this all seems poetic, you're right...and I think that poetry is a reflex action of trying to speak of that inner world, and the layers of it that we don't know how to describe otherwise. These forms of poetic imagery touch upon the spirit of something...like trying to look at what's casting the shadows in Plato's cave. 

If there is a symbol language that we mask things with, in the form of archetypes, or other symbols...what does this mean about the gods? Are the images we clothe them with, masks that we place on natural forces in an effort to tame and categorize them?  Does this, or should this change how we approach our interactions and perceptions of the divine? That might seem a little out there, or even eldrich... but time keeps showing me that the world is not what I thought it was.

If I want to be honest with myself and others, I have to push farther into the understanding of my own mind, to inform myself of the workings within my own existence. This is my Great Work, until I have progressed far enough to see the next mountain that must be climbed.

The Earth Doesn't Need Saving

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. There have been a lot of changes in my life; both good and bad. That isn't what I want to talk about right now though.

The other day I was having one of those rare conversations with actual depth. We were talking about modern paganism, and the need to bring understanding of the sacred, back into daily life. We talked about these things, and also talked about some of the problems in modern paganism, and how this relates to the earth.

This brought up some interesting thoughts of my own to chew on, and some of them will definitely be controversial or outright a slap in the face for some people in the pagan community. This is your trigger warning. Abandon hope all ye who enter here........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... We good? Ok.

To dive into this, we have to consider what "paganism" is to people, including other pagans themselves.

To most people, paganism is some mismash of goddess worship, and earth centered religion. Most pagans do probably fall into that category, to the point that eco-consciousness, and saving the planet are often a core focus of their practice as pagans.

As an Egypto-Pagan, I realize that I really don't fall into this category. That's where things get a little weird. People expect paganism to be earth-centered. My practice is not, at least not in the way that it would be perceived as such. It honestly bothers me a little, that my fellows seem to think that being a pagan is about protecting and saving mother earth. It equally bothers me, that so many of them profess to be feminists, and to worship the goddess, and don't consider, or even see the hypocrisy inherent in this.

I'm going to ask you this: Why does the world need saving?

This isn't some question borne of depression or despair. This is being asked because I look to history, and I see a strong, incredible planet, that is not on the verge of destruction, regardless of people talking about "climate change" and how it will be the end.

Extinctions happen. Mass extinction happens. Climates have shifted in the past, and this is a drop in the bucket. When any large scale change happens on earth, lots of things, people die. Death is sad, but the cycle of life and death is at the core of existence... of life itself. If we are living in tune with the earth, why is this not accepted? If a species rises, it is inevitable it will also fall. The hundreds of thousands of extinct lifeforms that have been discovered (fossils) can be testament to this. Life has thrived and is thriving on earth in more forms than we can begin to imagine, in shapes and places that we would have never have dreamed of.

These cycles shift in terms of millions of years, so maybe you wouldn't remember... but the earth does remember. The earth remembers the Triassic period, when the air was thick with carbon dioxide, giant predatory dragonflies flew the skies, and the first dinosaurs shook the earth with each footstep.

The earth remembers when it was little more than a recently cooled, ball of dirt and plasma. It remembers when it lost a piece of itself that became our moon. It remembers when life first appeared in its deepest oceans, rife with underwater volcanoes that spewed toxic gases into the sea. Life thrived.

So lets go back to our original question: "Why does the world need saving?" and I'll give you some more.

This is the big question: "When did everyone decide that mother earth was some powerless damsel in distress?"

Why is the spiritual movement that claims to know the earth, to live in nature's cycles, and to be a champion of female power, acting like they have to "save" the earth mother? How do you actually think about the natural forces you claim to be in tune with, speak for, and worship?

The answer is that at least for many of you, you aren't actually worried about the earth you say you need to save. You're worried about YOUR PLACE, and YOUR FUTURE in it. You are transient, and if reincarnation is to be believed, you will continue to have a place in this world, regardless of whether humanity continues or not. If you think the change in climate that is coming will cause the demise of much life, you are correct. Change causes death in some form, and vice versa. From these changes can also come life! evolution, growth! This is the way of things!

There is a reason why the Death card in the Tarot is typically read as a harbinger of change, and can be read positively in some readings. Change is not a negative thing, or a positive thing. It is something that is. So to it is with death, even if it makes us sad.

This isn't intended to be some kind of depiction of apathy. We should still respect and hold sacred the lives we have been given, and the earth that bore us. It's just that's a very different thing than trying to paint yourself as a hero saving the planet. It's no different than than treating the earth like a woman that needs saving. If that made you cringe, it should have. Use that discomfort, find the disconnect between your words, and your actions, and fix it.

I know that my thoughts won't be popular. I don't really care at this point. I've always been more interested in Truth, even if it makes us uncomfortable. I'm mostly just thankful that I was able to put my thoughts on this into writing, and share it with those who may have been feeling a mental unease regarding this topic, but had been unable to put it into words.

I may write here more off and on, but don't get used to it. This was just one of those rare moments where I felt like I actually had something worth saying.

Little Somethings

Over the past several months, I've been slowly re-organizing my altars.

It wasn't long ago that Sekhmet and Anubis/Upwawet shared the same altar space. It never felt right.

The gods who were sharing space with one another, are very different from each other. The energy raised, and being worked with one, might be counter to the other.. so I determined that I would be taking a step forward in my relationship with these deities, if I were to give them their own altars.

Anubis and Upwawet share the same space still, but their worship has historically gone hand in hand with each other. I don't see an issue there. It was Sekhmet who I felt I needed a separate space for. So I put my intention out to the Universe, and slowly but surely, things for her new altar popped up for sale.

I sacrificed a corner of the room to her. (quite literally, that space was reserved for storage and the laundry basket before) It isn't some out of the way corner though. There's a short wall opposite to the door that leads into the room. This means that Sekhmet has a prominent location: her space is the first thing I see when I start to enter the room.

Blood red velvet curtains drape down from the wall, and over the altar table. From eye-height, Sekhmet stares back at me through the curtains. Her hand reaches out to me. Fire dances around her, and blossoms from her claws... a reminder of the power that she holds, and the strength that she offers to those who can handle it.

On the altar itself, is a small, carved wooden tile. It was purchased years ago at the Lan Su Chinese Garden in Portland. It was one of several that were being sold there as "relics" from a pre-communist Chinese palace. Some of them still had traces of gilding on expertly carved flowers and other scenery. As they were a symbol of the previous regime, they were supposed to be destroyed. Someone managed to save some of them, and one made its way into my hands.

The tile itself doesn't "look" like much when you first see it. It looks like a small wooden plaque with carved flowers that someone might hang on a wall. I had stored it in various places over the years. After breaking once, being repaired, and put into storage again... I felt it would be a perfect addition to the altar space I was putting together for Sekhmet. I didn't think about the history or significance of the tile at the time, just that it was beautiful and seemed fitting somehow.

It isn't until now that I'm really thinking about the fact that I have a piece of a palace, a piece of history that was supposed to be destroyed, sitting on Sekhmet's altar. It doesn't look like much, but in truth I have adorned her altar with a miraculous treasure.

For a while, that was the extent of things on her altar...minus a vase with the head of a lion on it that I use to hold and burn sage, and a few gemstones.

A week or so ago I had a little bit of extra money, and I considered getting this beautiful alabaster candle holder that reminded me of a sun. I had planned on getting it for her altar for a while. When I checked online, I found it had been discontinued. I wasn't happy about it, but I told myself something else would turn up.

Fast forward a day or two, and I ended up in a thrift store. My housemate called me from a dark looking corner to show me something. In her hand was this strange, thick amber glass. I wasn't sure what it was but it had a hole that was the perfect size for a candle. There were designs in the glass that reminded me of suns, or stars. My heart lept when I thought about the beautiful golden glow that would be cast from a candle placed under it. There was no question, it would be mine.

I went to the front of the store to pay for it, pulling several bills out of my pocket. The guy behind the counter pointed me towards a jug that was full of money. A paper label, held on by roughly placed scotch tape, said "donations" I wandered over to it, and put the first dollar in. I reached for the next one "no need, that's fine" the fellow said to me. It felt strange, but I wasn't going to question not having to pay more than a dollar.

When I got home with it, it was assumed that it was a light cover for some kind of funky vintage lamp or something. It ended up being something much more interesting. It was the top half of a "fairy lamp" which is a type of candle holder. If I had the bottom piece, I would be able to put water in it, and place a candle in it. This was designed as a "safer" method of keeping candles lit, to avoid fires during the Victorian era. While the one I have is from the 70s, the weight of the glass alone, is enough to protect a candle from the cats that have decided that Sekhmet's altar is their new loafing spot.

Someday I'll get the bottom half of that fairy lamp, but for now I'm just happy to embrace the wonder that comes with putting intention out into the world and seeing what responds. It's those little somethings that make the world go around, and that remind us of how incredible and blessed we are in our own stories.

What is Growth?

What is Growth?

I was asked this question recently, and didn't have an answer. When the gods ask you a question, you should listen. In my experience it means they're giving you something to meditate on... and so I did.

What is Growth?

Growth in some ways is an expansion. When the seed of a tree is planted, it tries to grow. It breaks out of its shell, and reaches heavenward. It branches out, and it spreads itself in all directions. It spreads its roots through the soil, and grows strong, and stable. Sometimes it becomes so large, and so strong, that it blots out the very sun, granting shade to other life that lives below it. Some things will die in that shade, and others will flourish. Grass may die from lack of light, but in the soil, mycellium networks will grow and flourish, and spread the tree's influence well beyond its roots.

But we are not trees, so what is growth in a person? At first I thought about how I want to grow as an artist, but that is only on aspect of myself as a person. What is the essence of growth that extends into the nature of individual humanity?

To grow, is to expand oneself outward. I don't mean the physical self (though I wonder if perhaps some people subconsciously take that route to gain a greater feeling of control and dominance by taking up more space. I have known people like that before..) but I mean the "Self" in a deeper sense.

It's difficult for me to put into words. Projecting your awareness is one part of this, but projecting your dominance is another. I don't mean false dominance, which is characterized by pointless aggression either. I mean the control that you exert over your own life, and the control over your life that you allow others to have. When you know you have dominance, you can display this to others, without the posing and posturing.

Dominance behavior in dogs is a good illustration of what I mean by this. It's always the lower ranked that try to
dominate others by mounting them. While perhaps not a perfect analogy, this also represents dominance and "rank" in humans as well.

You might wonder how we wandered into concepts of dominance and control, from the idea of a tree reaching to the sky with its branches... It's definitely relevant, but I'll try to bring this back on track.

To grow is to have influence over your surroundings. Before you can have conscious influence, you have to become aware of of yourself, and the space you find yourself in. This is easier for a tree. A tree stays rooted in one spot. It knows itself, because it stays in one place and is able to observe its surroundings. It knows the caterpillar is munching on its leaves. It knows that its roots just grew enough to hit another pocket of mycellium in the soil. It knows the squirrel is running through its branches. It knows when something blocks the sun from its branches, and endeavors to spread its branches around it. The tree is ever in a state of growth, but its growth is a constant discovery of the world around it.

It is harder for a person to know themselves, because we are always changing our place in our environments. This is likely why most meditation seems to involve the act of sitting, or becoming a tree, or a rock...something that roots into the earth. Stillness is needed for the initial knowing of the self. But once we know ourselves, we know also what is NOT ourselves. We are able to stand indifferent to the pointless criticisms of others, and on the other hand, able to gracefully accept when others are right that we were wrong about something.

This means that to know yourself, is to have power over yourself, and to only allow others to have the power over you that you allow them to have. This I think is a key hidden in plain sight. We have to be ourselves before anything else.

So what is growth?... I'm not certain I know the whole answer yet, but what I do know is that I have to truly know myself before I can find out. Perhaps that was the answer Upwawet actually wanted me to find.

On the nature of Sekhmet, and the nature of the altar.

The other day, I re-arranged my altar space to give Anubis/Upwawet, and Sekhmet their own separate altar spaces. While I have already dedicated the altar for Anubis and Upwawet, Sekhmet's is still a work in progress. I just bought a red theatre curtain for an altar cloth for her. It's washed, dried, and ready to be hung... but I'm lacking a curtain rod to hang it from. It's long enough that once it's hung on the wall, it'll drape beautifully over her altar table. For now, it's folded neatly on her table. I found the curtains by chance, soon after I decided I was going to give Sekhmet her own altar. Now I'm putting it out into the universe to find a curtain rod that will work well with it.

I'm taking my time setting things up for her, because I know that in this case the universe is moving to help me find what is perfect. Sekhmet and I have talked briefly. She's aware of what I'm doing and seems to have no complaints about it. Just the fact that I'm giving her a separate altar is a sacrifice in and of itself. I'm sacrificing personal space, time, effort, and money to do this for her. She has also been promised burnt offerings of saffron when I officially dedicate the space to her. She likes saffron. I don't think I've heard of anyone else giving her offerings of saffron, but I imagine a lot of spirits would appreciate it. Saffron isn't cheap, and since ancient times has been considered of great value, and a sign of wealth. Buying it just to burn it, instead of cook with it, is considered a great sacrifice. It's also red, which is a color Sekhmet favors, as well as carries a pleasant aroma.

As I start trying to get her altar together, I've also started looking around at different statues for her. Looking at what sort of statues people are making and selling of Sekhmet has also led to many moments of anger. One design in particular stood out to me. I was looking for ideas for sconces to hang in her corner of the room. I was hoping to find maybe a statue of a lioness' head with the opening for a candle or something similar. Sekhmet is the "Lady of the Flame" so of course I want to have something for her like a sconce or a candle holder, or something. I found a pair of candle holders, except there was one serious flaw: Sekhmet was kneeling.

Now, I don't know how many of you know Sekhmet, but the idea of Sekhmet kneeling to anyone, or anything, is laughable. Sekhmet is proud, Sekhmet is strong, her very name is derived from the ancient Egyptian word for "power".... Power does not kneel. "The Lion of war", does not kneel. The very fact that this candle holder exists feels like an act of blasphemy. Sekhmet is an active force and manifestation of divine might, and judgment. Kneeling is an act that is submissive and passive. If anyone has a statue of Sekhmet kneeling on their altar, they clearly have no knowledge of this deity or what she represents, and have no business working with her. That kind of thing is likely to either get you ignored by her, or have her give you a harsh education on who and what she actually is. Sekhmet does not submit. The very idea that she does, is counter to her very nature.

The reason this is so upsetting isn't just the fact that someone who didn't know what they were doing (or they did, and did it as an insult) designed this piece of statuary for the mainstream pagan market... It's the fact that I know that there are other pagans out there who would buy it anyway, because they don't understand the purpose of an altar.

An altar is a space dedicated to a certain idea, designed to bring that idea into manifestation. That idea can be anything from a god, a magical working that you're doing, or a shrine to your ancestors. When you're designing an altar, it's important that the aspects of the design are in line with the nature of what you're trying to accomplish.

I know a fellow who was taking a class on Wicca. They decided they were going to make an altar to Mars as a homework assignment. Many of them put all sorts of things on their altars. Many of them were cluttered and disorganized. The fellow had a bit more experience working with that particular entity. His altar was simple and direct, much like the god he was building the altar to. Of everyone there, he was the only one who didn't suddenly have all sorts of conflict pop up in his life. The school was completely disbanded within several months. - Mars tested those who acted like they knew him, and created altars to him with no direction. Sekhmet is similar in that she will also test you if you do something stupid like that.

It's important to not rush setting up an altar. Find the right pieces, not just the pieces that "might" work. There's a reason I'm using blood red theater curtains, instead of matching the dark blue velvet I have on Anubis/Upwawet's altar. When you create an altar to a god, or spirit, you're creating a space that resonates with that god/spirit's nature. That place is the home that you have created for that god or spirit to dwell in, and manifest themselves from.

This is actually something covered a lot more in magical traditions involving evocation, like Goetia. When evoking a spirit, you make the place they are being summoned to, more in line with their nature. This is done by utilizing different colors, numbers, incenses, elements, sounds, their images.. and so forth. Going that extra distance means that the spirit in question will be able to manifest more easily in a place that isn't counter to their nature. Having an active altar is like having an ongoing evocation. The altar isn't for YOU, it's for the gods and spirits that you're working with.

Please note that some traditions and some gods don't mind a cluttered altar. Some prefer it, and the who/why really matters to determine this sort of thing... However if you're creating a space for your deities, don't put it together hastily. Time and effort, dedication, is your sacrifice. Your gods will thank you for it.

Anubis Pendant

Some of you might remember that a while ago I was working on getting things like my Anubis pendants into production...

The design has gone through some modifications, but I'm finally getting moving on this.

Here's the first physical prototype in Stainless steel:



My plan from here, is to polish out all the rough spots, make a silicone mold, and use metal clay to produce casts, and bake them in a kiln I've been given access to.

In the meantime, you can buy your own steel copy at: https://www.shapeways.com/product/J4EME3AJ8/anubis-pendant-single-sided

I suggest waiting another month or two for me to produce the bronze and silver ones. Shapeways is great for prototyping, but I can control the quality of the product you get if I'm casting them myself.

After Anubis, Sekhmet is next.

But yes, this is finally, finally happening.

Making Wands

One of the things that has changed since I updated regularly here, is that I'm apparently a wand maker now.

About a year ago, a friend of mine suggested that I try getting into the wand market for Harry Potter fans... So I did. I have my suspicions that some of them might be for more than costuming, but that's their business, not mine, unless they choose to share.

I'm not sure how familiar everyone is with the Harry Potter universe, but they have something called a "Patronus" which is sort of like a protective animal totem. A lot of the wands I've seen have been simple, and clearly turned on a lathe. Most of the commercial wands would only take a few minutes to make, using those methods.

I wanted to do something different that I thought people would appreciate...So I started offering wands with animal carvings on them, the handles carved into animals, or other unique combinations of features.

Most of my work so far have been commissions. Now I'm trying to move towards making wands and then finding a buyer later. It's tricky, and a little nervewracking, because I don't know when, or if those things are going to sell. Trying to make a "living" as someone who makes magical tools, (or costume tools, depending on who buys) is never easy. But I'm doing my best to move forward, and just keep making things.

For having started about a year ago, I think I've come a long way. I went from just carving wood, to noticing the characteristics of the wood, and how I can use them to make a more visually appealing piece. It's obvious that different types of wood can be drastically different than each other, but until today, I'd never seriously thought about things like utilizing the differences in heartwood and sapwood.

To see what I mean, I've included a video of the current wand I'm working on.



What other projects have I been up to? I'll tell you later. :) I should have some more updates soon.

Life doesn't come with trigger warnings

I left you hanging around this time last year in 2015. Since then, I've had to uproot my entire life multiple times, and have even moved across the country. My perception on life has been turned upside down multiple times, and I have both lost old friends, and gained new ones.

I'm not sure what to say. It feels like I want to say so much, like I have all of this pent up emotion and experiences that I want to cry out and share... but I can't just let out a primal scream, and flood your minds with the images, and the emotions of the things that have happened in the past few years. It doesn't work that way. I wish it did.

I'm a different person than when I last wrote here. It could be argued that every experience changes us... but this has been like a trial by fire. I've been burned more times than I can count, but I have always come out of it somehow. I can't explain the whys, or the hows, but it feels like my past is someone else's life. It feels distant, disconnected.

I find it hard to connect to the things and people that I used to connect to. Magic is still a part of my life, it's still important to me. It's a part of the fabric of reality, how could it not be important? Anubis and Sekhmet still walk with me, though their voices are more like whispers through static, than the rich clear tones I once heard. Fear blocks their voices. I have become like a cornered animal, always wondering when and where the next ambush will be set. I try to break free of this mindset, but I have yet to find how. Some days are worse than others. Some days I wonder if maybe I'm just insane. Other days I wonder if maybe it's the world that has changed, and not myself. I'm living in a constant state of inner conflict.

Maybe this is just how life is, and I didn't notice until recently? There was a time I was so bold, so fearless, and looking back, I know I'm not that person anymore. Can I be strong again? I don't know. I've seen so much darkness, so much suffering, pain, and corruption. It feels like in the past, I was strong for other people. I protected my friends.... but myself? Not so much. I thought I felt "old" then. I had no idea what the word meant. I still probably don't. By most people's standards I'm still young.

I don't model anymore. I had too many close calls, and touchy photographers trying to feel me up. In places that I should have been safe, I wasn't. Even within the arts, there is no much corruption now. I can't model for schools, without wondering if the coordinator who hired me, is also a human trafficker on the side, who wants to try to sell me to Middle Eastern Royalty. - This actually almost happened. I'm getting chills just writing about it. My heartbeat is erratic. I need to breathe, but breathing feels so hard sometimes. If the person who hired me had thought they could get away with it, I would have been in a bag. I have no question about that.

This is the world we live in. It came as no surprise to me whatsoever when the news broke that Hollywood might have a rape and pedophile problem. Last time I tried to join a modeling agency, the coordinator wanted to "spend time with me alone, and enjoy some drinks"... yeah I know what that's code for.

So now I find myself having been so exposed to the darkness, that I'm having trouble finding light. It's like a campfire at the edge of reality that I'm desperately searching for. I keep looking for that flickering light, so I can reach for it, maybe sit for a moment and feel that warmth of hope again... but all around me people are caught up in their own pettyness, marionettes of the cackling shadows that move them to fear, and hate, when they should be asking questions and seeking knowledge. It's NEVER as simple as the narrative that you're being spoon-fed... and holding fast to lies when you should be seeking Truth, is the surest way to ruin.... and it's this knowledge too, which is a source of my sadness and ire. Gone are the days when people looked into the gray places to seek and find what was hidden... now they expect it to be handed to them, and have the folly to trust those who are more interested in money, and ratings, with having given them the truth!...And of course I'm referring to the media, the government, and any figures of authority that you allow to have power over your own thoughts. Watch how quickly things that were stated as truth one day, are refuted the next! ...and the masses smile and nod, and forget that their overlords ever were mistaken.

Perhaps I sound crazy here... but I'm starting to not care. I've watched so many people I thought were intelligent fall to the dogwhistle of hatred. Convinced now that there are enemies all around them, they push their agendas regardless of others that might be forsaken by them. Has it always been this way, but I was too blind to see it? Too naive? Why is it so hard now to find, and grasp the light that I feel I once carried within me?

Despite this dilemma, despite this cognitive dissonance I face within myself, and within the world, I continue to walk forward, and make sense of the world that I've found myself in. I feel like a stranger in a strange land, where no one is strong enough to ask the hard questions, or to face themselves in the light of their own shadow. It's a dark light, but it's real. Some days I wonder if everything else isn't. When things are too bright, it's impossible to see anything as it is. So in what dwells the Truth and in what dwells the Lie?

At what point do we become an adult, and leave behind the child?

Goodbye

Now that I have a tumblr together, I'm bringing this blog to a close. Maybe I'll revive it someday, but I doubt it.

If you want to follow my art, you can follow me on Tumblr: http://astraljackal.tumblr.com/

:)

Changes

I feel like I'm outgrowing this little place on the web, and outgrowing talking about my experiences and my practices and beliefs in general. The farther I go down the rabbit hole, the more I seem to come back, re-observe my surroundings, and realize that often what I know is not what I think I knew. In turn, this means that I know nothing.

Your Truth might not be the same as mine, and if there is one thing I have learned that is crucial on this journey of life...is that you have to find your own answers. If you just have answers handed to you, it becomes meaningless, and the value of those answers cannot be truly comprehended as a result.

It is so easy to treat the pursuit of magic and knowledge in ways that fall into something as futile as mental masturbation. Without the practice, without diving in and having those experiences, mentally going through the motions and trying to understand them, will never bear the fruit you're looking for. You might think you find them, and then you reach out to grasp them, and find that it was just another fantasy, another perverse creation of an arrogant mind, claiming to understand how the cogs of the universe turn, and sometimes even WHY they do.

For some, magic is something that is a means to an end. For others, magic is a study, and the "science" of the metaphysical world....to others, it's a little bit of both. But getting back to the point... it's pointless. At this point, my practices and my beliefs are so mired in personal experience, inside jokes, and...life, that I don't feel I can really continue to speak of my personal journey to everyone.

So, instead, I've decided to focus my online presence into my art, and let it show my growth and progress in another medium. I don't want to tell you what to think- what you think and how you interpret the world is up to you.

I'm working on starting a Tumblr to do this, and in turn use this to challenge myself and grow into a better person and artist. This blog is kind of dead, and I'm starting to think that maybe it should stay that way. I can do better, so I will.

Per-Sabu

It's been hectic here. It usually is when I haven't posted for a long time. I don't really have much to say myself, but ran across an incredible wealth of knowledge recently on the "jackal" deities of ancient Egypt. This was all collected by Bezenwepwy, a fellow Anubis/Wepwawet cultist :)

If you want to learn about Anubis, Wepwawet, other "jackal" entities related, and unrelated to them, go check out her website at: http://www.per-sabu.org/

There's more information and even photos of artifacts, murals, etc than you can shake a stick at.

I'm deep in some kind of weirdness with trying to find myself. Not sure when I'll be posting again.

Death

Being someone who has worked with Anubis since a child, you'd think I must have known death. The truth is quite the opposite. I saw that which was dead. I felt the lingering presence, traces of the soul that was once there, and I also saw that which the soul had completely left, with no traces to be found.

To witness death, to witness the actual transition that takes place from life to death, is something else entirely. To witness death, and to understand what is happening, is to lose innocence. I never lost my innocence when I lost my virginity. I never lost my innocence even when later in my life I saw the dark underbelly of the world, and understood how closely I had come to....my own death.

We are always several steps from death, until it catches up with us. This is a fact of life. We are born, and one day we will also die. No matter how much we may want to not think about it, this will come to pass.

The death I witnessed, was not pretty. It was not slow, but it was not fast either. My attempts to save the life that passed between my fingertips, was started too late. I was ignorant, and so I failed. His heart had already stopped, and by the time he breathed out his last, his soul went out with his breath.

Og was there with me. We both tried to save this small, and fragile life that we held in our hands. Our breath, and our magic came too late. We didn't know that the breaths that the life before us was struggling to take, were because the heart had stopped. We didn't know that the gasps for air after the seizure were agonic breathing- the herald of death.

When you see death happen, you know it has happened. There is no mistaking it for anything else. When the soul has passed, you can tell that it has gone from the body. There is a reason that the soul is also called the "breath of life" in scripture. When you witness the final exhalation, the lungs deflate. The ribs show through, and it looks nothing like sleeping.... as rigamortis sets in, the body begins to re-inflate, giving the appearance of life, but this is false. It is a false hope, that will destroy you if you hold onto it. It is the denial of what you have just witnessed, because you have not been exposed to death. Your innocence has been lost, but you can't even comprehend it.

We are a society that hides death. Our sick and dying are kept in special facilities, rather than cared for in their final moments by their families and loved ones in their homes. We are never educated about it in any formal way. We only experience it typically, as older family members pass away as we ourselves age. We may or may not be invited, or even able to attend the funeral.

I was young when my grandfather died. I knew of death, and wanted to be able to say goodbye at the funeral. I was not allowed.

When my pets died as a child, I never saw the death. I usually came home from school, only to find that my parents had disposed of the body. My own dog was taken away by the gardeners, and disposed of in the trash.

We fear death as a society, so much, that we destroy the evidence of it, regardless of whether it is human, or "animal"

But I will tell you now, that life, is life. A human life measures the same as that as a lizard, if it is that which you love. In the end, all of us will some day breathe our final breath, and take our souls with it. But if you truly love something, someone, cherish it even as it dies. Cherish every moment you had with them, and respect them even in their death. That body was the precious vessel that carried the soul  you loved so much. Never forget that time you shared, and send them off with love in your heart. Don't hate them for leaving you, and don't hate yourself out of fear that you failed them.

Grieve, send them off, and live on, taking your knowledge with you, so that maybe, you and that which you love, can find the happiness, and the peace that you have searched for.

 Innocence is the veil that obscures Truth.

The worst thing we can do is force others to stay innocent, when knowing death, and how to honor those in death, can teach us the true value of life.

The Desperate Cry of Humanity

It's been a while hasn't it?

It's been busy here in my little universe. One thing after another, one step at a time, one step forward one step back... all leading to the realizations that I've had in the past few months. Sometimes you think you've seen the abyss, and then you realize that you've only scraped the surface of that inky blackness that lies below, all the while you're falling, silently screaming, because the world doesn't hear your voice. It doesn't acknowledge it. Your screams fall on closed ears, on closed hearts.

 This is the desperate cry of humanity, this is the universe that we both love, and hate. It's the way of things that must change. We ignore the suffering of humanity. We see that trembling, dirty hand, reaching out of the shadows, the haunted eyes that have seen too much, and that yet, are daring to hope... and the world turns its back, and averts its gaze, continuing on, leaving the desperate behind, dehumanizing those who can't be a good cog in the machine.

You may think you know. You may think you understand. But almost without exception, you do not. You will look for signs, for signals, ask for proof, and justify your hatred, or aversion of what you fear. This is human nature. Us or them, male or female, good or evil. We explore the universe in concepts of duality.

Life is for the strong, life is for those who deserve it, and those who deserve it is those who can prove their worth to those around them- that is the message that is sent from on high. (on high being of course the top offices of multi-national corporations that control the world economy)

And that, is the problem- our very society is structured around the idea that we have to be worth something "to others" and while this in itself isn't a bad thing (what's wrong with being helpful to each other?) it points out the issue that self-worth is almost an impossible feeling to attain without the praise of others. In a society that is based on judgement of a person's worth to "them" this creates a problem.

The problem is something that I've at least touched on in the past, that I have realized through my own explorations of my psyche: Humans (at least in this country) are so focused on separating the "human" from the "animal" that the concept that we ARE very much animals, and that this affects our society and psychology very strongly... is completely missed, or often misused by those in power who use this to their advantages.

We think we're so advanced, but we're children playing in a sandbox, playing at being adults. We're playing house, and missing the greater world around us, and even the small things in front of us. We should have so many advantages as humans- we are creators!... and yet... I see crows waiting at stop lights, waiting for the cross walk, hopping across the road as soon as the light changes. I've seen "animals" working together to aid each other gather food, or help each other in other ways... more than my eyes have seen humans do the same.

The city I live in, doesn't even have a 24 hour pharmacy anymore. There isn't even a single pharmacy downtown, and the clinic downtown is open at weird hours/days... those who need help, often have to travel to find it. Even with "healthcare reform" I've been unable to find a "real" dentist office anywhere who will take my insurance. I'm treated like a pariah as soon as it's discovered that I have insurance through the state, rather than something fancier. A friend of mine can't get even vital testing for a disease that runs in his family, because it's not "pre natal."

If he was pregnant, and there was a risk of passing it on to the child, they'd cover it... but because he's not, they refuse to pay for the testing that he needs, in order for his doctors to listen, and act... This is a double standard. He's alive, he's a human being, and he deserves to know whether he needs to start having yearly, invasive checkups, that the doctors also refuse to do, unless he actually has the diagnosis. $1600 out of pocket to find out if he's at risk for the same disease his father, and others in his family have, and yet... the doctors require diagnosis before treatment of any kind, even preventative treatment that would cause no harm to him to have.

In the city I live in, police chase off those who look "homeless" or "dressed poorly" telling them to leave town, because they "don't want them in their city" and people "loitering" in the downtown park where the food carts and benches are, where fresh, clean water is readily available... are harassed by officers, and threatened, told they have to leave after dark, because the park is "closed"...despite the food carts running and people buying food. It's a double standard, designed to gentrify the area, when it has a long, and rich history of being a place for the unfortunate to always have access to clean water, and a place to rest. The founders of the park would be horrified, but the "shareholders" who are working to gentrify the area have spoken.

We are numbers, checkmarks, statistics. Even when people can look us in the eyes, our lives are worth nothing other than what we can be sold...and if you can't be the "product" or the "consumer" then you are an outsider, a nothing.... dehumanized, silenced, stigmatized.

Yes, there are good people in the world... but we have to see through the lies first. We have to break through the illusions, and shatter them, before we can fight back in a way that does more than clatter against the armor of the serpent's scales, angering the beast enough to silence you completely.

This is why magic is important. We are the ones who dare to stare into the abyss. We are those who see through the illusions, and those who dare to leave the sandbox behind, to try to understand the greater world. We are all gods in training, and learning to see the sandbox for what it is, is the first step to the adulthood of humanity.

What will it take for us to see that we are all the same? That life, that experience is sacred, and that in the end, we all want, and all deserve the same basic needs as everyone else? Some people seem to think that people who suffer, suffer because they deserve it, or because they have a lesson to learn from it... In many cases, I will call bullshit... but what if your suffering is supposed to be a reminder, a look in the mirror, to the rest of humanity? A reminder that we are all human, and that we strive for acknowledgement from an uncaring world?

We try so hard to justify ignoring the suffering of others, that I've even seen "karma" cited as a reason in magical circles to not help people when they're clearly in trouble. It goes so far, that I've even seen things like "rape" justified as being a part of a "lesson" that someone apparently "needs" for their spiritual growth. This is of course, disgusting, utter bullshit, and the trap of sociopathy that egotistic magicians fall into.

 Being a mage isn't about being uninvolved, and separating yourself from the rest of the world, and the rest of humanity....It's about knowing your own current well enough to walk into the world, and change it with your very presence....inspiring, creating, and aiding those who are trapped in the sandbox, so that they can stand with you- on their own two feet, instead of sinking into oblivion. What else are Gods supposed to be doing?

Things

Hey everyone,


There's been a lot going on over here, primarily Og and I getting our business going.  We've finally got some established workspace, and I'll be doing more tests on the bronze and stuff soon.

Lately, I've actually changed gears towards making and selling pipes and bone cigarette holders. Og and I have been collaborating pretty much at every step. I still want to do jewelry and stuff, but right now, custom clay pipes seem to be our big seller, and are what is paying the rent. Once we've got some savings, I'll be getting back to jewelry.

I've also got a wand and some other stuff made recently.

If you want to keep up on the things Og and I are making, you can check everything out at www.facebook.com/MysticOasisStudios

I will be posting here still off and on, but right now, I don't really have more to say :)

Trusting the Universe

Oh Midnight Jaguar ...
Wash me with your courage 
And steel me with your grace,
So I may know the value of 
The void of time and space 
Teach me all your lessons, 
How to face the dark unknown. 
Than let me bravely leap 
Into the shadows all alone.

There was once a time, when it was simple for me to trust in the Universe. I looked at the world with a child-like wonder, and I felt something deep in my spirit that moved me, and helped me find the place within my soul that was calm... That knew how to just live life as life, and in the moments where I felt lost... I would pull out my cards, and call out to the Universe to show me what I'm missing, to show me how to find my path when I'd walked astray.  The cards would speak to me, the animals in them would teach me the lessons I was missing, direct me to what I needed to be doing, and I would find purpose and clarity again.

As I've gotten older, that self has been silenced; crushed by the trials and tribulations of adulthood and the need for survival. My anxiety levels have skyrocketed in the past few years, and while I have gained the ability to communicate with spirits more clearly, while I've grown much as a person, I can't help but feel that I've lost something precious, something that must be regained if I'm to go farther.

Nearly every month, I almost dread the times that rent is due. I dread how much utilities might cost, and how much my problems with my physical health get in the way of me being able to regularly support myself as an adult. Sometimes I find myself spiraling into dark places, fearful of what could go wrong next, or something I might have done wrong, instead of being able to focus on the good things in the present. I will try to stop it, try to breathe, and just "be"...but it drags me down, like a wave crashing, pulling me under, and suffocating me.

Og is there for me, and that helps. Anubis is there for me, whispering in my ear, and that helps. Sekhmet is there as inspiration, and that helps....but when the darkness is from myself, when the fear is born of the past, and the life I've lived; it makes things difficult.

What changed? I keep asking myself this, even though I know the answer. I changed. My perceptions and experience of the world changed, as I was birthed again into the strangle-hold of adulthood and the expectations of society, and even of my fellow occultists and friends. - I tried to shape myself into someone who I thought I should be, fearful that somehow I was false, that somehow I didn't deserve to walk with these people in my life, and that I didn't know what I was talking about.

When I lost my cards, I didn't buy new ones, and I didn't try to reconnect with that current, that energy that had cradled me and helped me stay safe and sane through the worst parts of my childhood. Instead of that, I tried to leave the more ... "shamanic" path I had walked, so that I could explore more of Western Occultism; a path that I deeply respect, but honestly don't feel a strong pull to. While this wasn't exactly a "mistake" and I can honestly say I learned a lot from it; I can look back and say that several years ago, I did myself a great disrespect. I was fearful of being seen as "fluffy" or a "dabbler" and so I left behind what had worked for me, what had been real to me, out of fear of abandonment.

Anubis has always been with me, and I've also always kept some bit of that part of my old practices and way of live alive...but I feel it crying out again, as I work more and more with the bones of animals in my work, and find myself working with the spirits of plants, and drifting back towards a more "shamanic" path.

Today I was fearful again, as rent was due, and all of my well laid plans had fallen through. Og and I had no rent money as a result, and all of my emails and inquiries for freelance jobs had gone unanswered. Even our communication between each other had been suffering. We knew something strange was going on. I was fighting back another panic attack, and Og got me some cocoa, and we tried to get me calmed down and clear headed again. He asked me if I'd asked the Universe for aid...and I hadn't. That led to us sitting down on the couch for a few minutes, drinking cocoa, and trying to figure out what had happened...and the conclusion was, that somehow we had "strayed" from our path.

Trying to figure out what we had failed to see, what wire had gotten crossed, and opening ourselves to trusting the Universe...it changed everything. Within minutes, the phone rang. It was a job, and not just a job, but a possibility towards a greater relationship with a growing company. I got back to my computer, and found that within that same time period, I'd gotten an offer for another job- days with nothing but silence, and suddenly I had work offers, and confirmations for work, within minutes of each other.

"This is what magic is" he told me.  I knew he was right, and its something I used to know when I was younger...but for some reason its like its something that I haven't been able to hold onto. The Black Panther card was a card I pulled a lot from my old deck. It means that your problems will be solved by trusting in the Universe to provide, and by opening yourself to what is there, instead of fearing what might be.

I think its time to re-embrace who I am, instead of trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe that makes me fluffy. All I know, is that at this point, I don't care. I'm just going to be me, and try to trust and keep myself open to what the Universe has to offer, instead of closing myself off with a fearful heart.

Memories of Reality

I've had an issue over the years. (no, not ONLY one, but whatever)

As a mage, you might think that I'd be used to all of this magic stuff. It's part of my life after all, how does it not become mundane? How does it retain its wonder? Just because something is magic doesn't mean that moments using it are "magical" in the sense of feeling the power rolling off of you, or uplifting energy. There isn't always the sense that it's "real" despite my experiences.

This has been getting better over the years. My doubt has faded as I grow into myself.  Still it lingers sometimes though. Usually when someone asks me to do something magical for them. "Take a look at my aura!" "Here, look at this magical tool and tell me what it "feels" like to you" The demon of doubt, uncertainty, and fear of rejection raises its head. Sometimes my mind seems to fuzz over, and its as if I'm an absolute beginner again, stumbling over my own feet.  Other times it just comes without trouble, and I just "know" the right answers, sometimes I even see it.

Interestingly, this almost never seems to pop up when I'm healing someone. Maybe this is because I've been doing some form of healing work on people since I was a preteen. Same thing with card readings to some extent. I still stumble over some of my Tarot meanings and have to look up bits... but I used to have these Oracle Cards that I was fantastic with.

Not long ago I was with Og, and we were doing a reading surrounding a potential business venture and an individual involved with it. When we hit the latter point of the reading, I suddenly "forgot" the significance of the placement of a card related to the individual. Now, I'd had some suspicion that this person may have been a fellow mage. After some outside confirmation, I've basically confirmed it- in doing a reading about this person, I "immediately" forgot what the card was supposed to represent in its placement, and why it was significant. I was able to force my way through by backtracking and figuring out "what" I would have been asking about, but despite this, I was unable to regain the actual memory that had been blanked out originally.

The implication, is that I tripped a ward/shield of this person, designed so that they couldn't be scryed on. Og had felt something "strange" at the same time, and with some asking around, I've confirmed that this does happen. I still feel kind of weird about this- it's one of those moments where you're forced to see the implications of how your magic can touch others, and not just yourself. While I was just looking at business dynamics and had no ill intentions, now I feel like I've intruded.

Og did some work to clear the air a bit, and then pulled the "hey, can you see what I'm doing/did?" card with the magical work he was doing.  I could. I couldn't "see" it physically, but it was as if I could see it behind my eyelids. What I was seeing was clear and beautiful; Imagery wrapped with tangible meaning and intent. 

I told him what he'd done. He just grinned, and asked me if I still had any doubts after that, and pointed out that I had explained everything, without any hints or prompting from him on what it was that he'd done. He was right, and it's moments like that, that I try to reinforce. I don't want magic to become this ....thing lacking wonder, but I do want to reinforce experiences like this to put to rest the gnawing doubts that sometimes come to the surface. Having experiences I can call upon to solidify the positive reinforcement of the reality of what I do in my life, the energies I live with, and dance with... it's important to my journey of knowing and growing into myself.

Maybe someday, the doubt will be gone completely. But I wonder to is maybe doubt is just in the nature of humanity.

Mystic Oasis Studios- A new professional direction

After years of being a professional figure model, I decided to put my "career" in that field to rest after my stay in Phoenix that nearly led to me becoming a human trafficking statistic. I posted at length about it in an earlier post, so I won't reiterate too much about that topic.

What I will say is that because of that, and lots of encouragement from Og, I've started focusing much more on my art as my career. It's still in its infancy, but I figured I would share what I've been working on - Mystic Oasis Studios

It's not much, but it's a start.  I'm already managing to just barely comfortably scrape by on my artwork alone, and I have some commissions and other projects lined up already.

I have the setup for casting bronze figured out, and my workshop is coming together.

That means I'll be making these soon-

I also want to give a shoutout to Conjureman Ali a good friend of mine who has helped and supported me over the years when it comes to everything from my magical practices, to my artistic skills. He's been one of my biggest repeat customers over the years for graphic design work, and because of that, has really helped me to develop as a professional artist. You can also check out his stuff at House of Quimbanda :) 

I'm pretty excited about the logo I developed for them, and how the timing meshes up with my ventures into professional artistry and design! 

So here's to a hectic year, full of challenges, changes, and growth. 2013 is a year I never want to repeat, but 2014 will be better, stronger, but hopefully not faster ;) I'm starting to feel old at 26 already. 

Here's to a better, and less stressful future. 

Do you know your gods?

My relationship with Sekhmet has been on and off again for a few years now. As I get to know her and work with her, I find myself realizing something: I don't know her. I never have.

Sure, I've read her stories, sure I've read literature on how she and Bast have shared similar roles and crossed over one another. Sure I've read about her associations with this or that through the ages... but what does it actually mean?

As my experiences with Upwawet unfold, and the dance between him and who I know as "Anubis" continues, I find that the dance just leads me deeper.

These entities, are far more than the sum of their stories. They have depths, layers upon layers, like the pages and chapters of the earth itself... but how many of us treat them this way?  How many of us assume that because we're working with them, that we can somehow represent them? I've seen it happen with people I know, claiming they're doing that particular god's work, do something in their name, or that such and such god would  "want" things a certain way.  I've even seen people claiming that once you start working with a particular god or goddess, that you're somehow their priest or priestess....and this couldn't be farther from the truth.

Just because you can call on a spirit and talk to them, does not mean that you have the right to represent them. Just because you may have talked to an entity for years, does not mean that you have the right to represent them.

While I've done what I can to "avoid" the label of priestess over the years, I find that the label still sticks.  All I can really do is try to avoid the fallout that could come with it.

But the point is... Sekhmet, Anubis, whoever, they're "people" and just like people, they have quirks, triggers, and things they're good or bad at accomplishing. While they most certainly don't run an OS that we could identify as "human" they are still individuals in their own right. A few books, and a few successful evocations of a god or spirit doesn't mean you suddenly work for them, or can act as their representative.

I remember the first couple of years that I knew Sekhmet. I was convinced that she was an embodiment of primal rage and judgement.... thought that she was also an embodiment of fire, a "lion of war" ....and I wasn't necessarily wrong. What was wrong was that I dismissed those who worshiped her as a "mother" goddess. I was convinced that they were the sort who just taking every "female" god-form and turn it into the form of the divine feminine, without actually referencing historical or cultural context...or they'd confused her with Bast.

Since then I understand a bit more about how Sekhmet can be related to a "mother" figure, though that isn't a primary aspect in my experiences with her.  I've been working with her off and on for around three years. I feel like I barely know her. I know "her" but not the conscious knowledge of who and what she is, all wrapped up in separately, and well defined packages. I lack the experience to properly convey the words that describe who she actually is. Anything else is like saying that a list of likes and dislikes, is enough to understand and know the person that has them.

I worked with Anubis for the better part of a decade before we finally broke the ice enough that I saw another side of him. When I was 13-16 I did twice daily prayers, burnt candles, incense, mediated, did evocations, and still, even after all that time, I wasn't shown this side of him until I needed it. I wasn't a child to be coddled, he made sure I knew when it was time to put on the big girl pants, and actually get to work, and to make it "easier" his sense of sardonic humor kicked in. Sometimes at my expense, but always to my benefit despite it.

It always seems like they know me better than I know myself. They see through my blindness, they know, through my confusion. And yet, I only really have a handful of words that I could say about them, and who they seem to be.

Do you know your gods? They know you... so maybe we should all put the effort forward to try. It's the least we can do, for ourselves and for them. In knowing them, perhaps we can start piecing together the mystery of ourselves.

Cosmic Wedgie - Messages from the Universe

Ogy and I have talked at length after we finally started getting settled here in the Pacific Northwest. We've noticed a strange phenomena in the previous months, that have led us to where we are now. (safe, stable, among good people, with loads of resources available to us, thank fuck.) Pennsylvania chewed us up and spit us out. Regardless of where we were, once we started hemming and hawing and not actually trying to leave... everything went to hell.

We tried to wait on a company that said they were going to hire Ogy, and make him tons of money. - we started having problems being able to get resources to do things like eat and drink well. I started having more health problems, and people with backstabbing natures started showing themselves.

I started doing simple sigil magic to try to move the forces in our favor. Every day when I was getting out of the bath/shower. I'd do a meditation, and draw a specific sigil on the fogged up mirror glass, with the sigil overlapping my reflection as I drew it, and put my intent into it. I wanted those barriers, those things keeping us from what we wanted, to shatter.

Maybe I'm a masochist, but when I do magic, I don't put in safeguards against possibly having to suffer more before I get what I'm working for. If the currents shifting means that things NEED to get worse before they can get better, then sure, damn me for a while.

In this case, the path out was me getting so sick that I needed recovery somewhere where I had regular access to clean water and food- and that was Ogy's parents place near Pittsburgh. When I finally started recovering, we considered staying there for a while. "Just long enough to do some modeling work in the city, so we can buy plane tickets out" ....and then like magic, Ogy's mom has a psychotic episode, and kicks us to the curb to "go find a homeless shelter" ...... somehow through all of this, there was no fear. There was just an animalistic defiance. I held my head high, held Ogy's hand, and we went off into the night. When it looked like we weren't going to have a place to sleep that night, I made a phone call.

That friend had never even met Ogy before....and yet, they bought both of us tickets out on the next day's train. I'd been prepared to sleep in the woods, and have the cops help us get our stuff out of his parents house the next day...and after that, probably hitch hike across the country.

As soon as those tickets were bought, our luck turned around. We met some people at the gas station across town when we were looking for the homeless shelter. We were offered a place to sleep, and other resources. After that, we got the call that we could come back to the house, and were able to sleep there.

The next day, we were gone. We were hugged, kissed, told we were loved, loaded up on food, and boarded the train. The trip itself was uneventful, but we had food, water, each other, and were treated fantastically when we arrived in Portland. I was "home" in body, mind, and spirit.

We've had some bumps here and there, but things have been coming together. (and I still haven't given up on jewelry stuff either) We've been meeting people, making a home for ourselves, and have started talking about our next steps in our individual personal journeys and work. It literally seems like everything has been working out for us, to the point that we've been offered jobs taking care of the landlady's properties, helping with landscaping, and some other general upkeep. - I can't do most of it, but Ogy can. If we can find the key for it, we can also drive one of the vehicles on the property. (time to do some magic for that too)

I've never seen things just...completely turn around like this. It was to the point that I wondered if I'd been crossed. But now I wonder, did I cross myself? My "go ahead and damn me for awhile" attitude, might have had something to do with it. Maybe it has before as well.

But I still have to wonder if it was what Ogy suggested to me: Dharma.

If that somehow in the truest sense of the word, we went against our collective Dharma by spending all of our money trying to stay in one place because of the promise of a job (that my readings gave inconclusive results on) that we thought would have fixed everything.....instead of doing what we said we were going to do in the first place- which is take our money and go to Washington together.

If that is the case, then was the cause me, the magic done, or was it the Universe literally giving us a cosmic wedgie to tell us that there was nothing more to see or learn there, and to "move along" ? Maybe some combination of all of the above?

I've noticed that when I'm not responding properly to a situation, that I can't "hear" the spirits I work with as easily. It's a radio I have to tune, because I'm literally operating on the wrong frequency. Maybe this occurs on a larger scale. I'd been told for months, that I needed to change how I was living, and that I needed to focus on my art more, because it was what I "really wanted to do" (tm)
I didn't have access to places for art supplies, my computer was broken, and I was turning back to modeling to try to make ends meet. - in that sense I was in a place and situation that didn't meet my needs for development. But again, was it myself, or higher powers that  brought on the "temporary crossed condition"?

It's all good now, except for my anxiety that "the other shoe is going to drop" and then I'll have nothing again... but I've got graphic design work going, as well as a mask project.. which is allowing me to bulk up my portfolio, and learn even more tricks with Photoshop and Illustrator. It doesn't feel like a "chore" either. I've been enjoying working on the things I'm working on.

We appear to have also mysteriously lost a housemate who was only here for a month, whose presence would have complicated some opportunities that we've been given. I was even handed an omen about it, mentioned it to Ogy about three days ago, and found out today that it was true. That sort of thing hadn't happened in a long while.

Last time something like this happened, it was when I was trying to run away from my previous relationship, and turned off the lamp on my desk when I was leaving with all my stuff....and it had this strange, strange, sense of finality. Almost like the life of something had been snuffed out in the process, and I had the very clear feeling that I would never be turning that lamp on again.... and I didn't. When I was talked into coming back, and tried to turn the light on...it had burnt out. No warning, just gone- like the illusion of a loving and trusting relationship that I tried to hold onto.

This time, I was in the bathroom cleaning up, and the housemate's towel mysteriously fell from the hook. It had been on there pretty solidy before, and I'd never touched it. I had the sudden, strange feeling that he would never be coming home. I'd known he'd ended up in jail because of a complication with his car title...but we were under the impression that he'd just be spending a night or two as a slap on the wrist, and maybe a fine.

He was supposed to be out two days ago. We got the call this morning that he wouldn't be living here anymore. Apparently there's been a string of offenses over the years, and he's likely going to be in for a year as a result. I'd had some concerns about him potentially bringing trouble down on us, but it looks like that issue has already been taken care of.

Maybe a year behind bars will tell him that driving an uninsured, untitled vehicle, with a suspended license, that got suspended due to a hit and run on a parked car, is a bad idea, and that maybe his license was taken away for a reason. I doubt it, but at least I got an omen out of it?

Since apparently lightbulbs and towels can be omens in the proper context, and you "know" what it is, when you see/feel it....and I guess this whole thing with me being back on the right frequency works on a number of levels. Or maybe it's that I'm not sick and malnourished anymore. *shrug*

What matters

My journey started over six months ago now.  I didn't expect to be on the east coast so long, and it was rife with challenges that were mental, physical, as well as spiritual. I'm honestly not sure I've ever dealt with challenges of this magnitude previously, and I now have.... a great deal more respect for the "simple" things in life.

Delta airlines broke my laptop. That was the start. My bag looked like it had been cut some combination of a knife and a cheese grater, and my macbook, my pride and joy I used for graphics design work...was battered and broken. I had been planning on getting back more into graphics design work after the ordeal in Phoenix, but this option was taken from me before I even landed in NY.

I was assured when I finally landed by the man behind the desk, and the nice flight attendant, that they were sure I would be compensated. I made my claim, and a week later I heard back from their office, basically saying I was SOL, because I hadn't bought insurance.

 I attempted to make a case for severe negligence (some employee ripped open my bag for fucks sake. That should be a little different than my bag getting jostled or something.) but they continued to tell me that because I hadn't bought insurance, that they didn't owe me any form of compensation, despite damage to my very ability to work....Well, shit.

Ogy took care of me where he could, but the house we were staying at was almost 3 miles out of town...and as we found out, the tap water wasn't drinkable. This wasn't a problem at first, but without our own transportation, bringing water home was a difficult chore, and the combination of eating, drinking, and throwing money at rent and utilities, eventually drained my savings. The assurance, the reason we stayed, was because we were sure that he was going to be getting hired on at a big local company in PA.

 The idea is that it would have paid enough to provide us with the funds needed to buy some land,  and built a small fortress and dedicated lodge to allow us to practice our Arts in safety and solitude, while also having dedicated space that magical groups could rent out and use for their workings.

I've also had a dream of creating a physical temple dedicated to Anubis and Upwawet, as I believe that there currently is no such standing temple in the word in modern times. This is still an idea I have, and I haven't begun to abandon any of it.... but the job never happened. The call never came, and it was always "Oh, I think we're hiring next month" ....and it went on like that for a couple of months.

All the while, food, water, and shelter became more precious to us than ever. I learned how to eat foods I never would have touched before, and developed a taste for them. For a while, I was almost eating a vegetarian diet. This isn't normal or healthy for me. I started getting sick off and on from hypoglycemia, and not having enough meat based proteins (soy makes me sick) and once I was thirsty enough that I tried drinking the sulfur-water that came out of the tap, while Ogy wasn't home to comfort me and tell me not to...and we were out of bottled water.  It led to violent retching to the point that Ogy and his housemate were ready to take me to the hospital. Thankfully I was fine. Ironically, this happened after I had just finished watching the Life of Pi.

Due to my poor diet and frequent long walks to get water, I developed more leg problems, and sometimes wasn't able to walk. I relied on Ogy to take care of me. We kept waiting for that phone call telling him he had a job. It never came. All the while, we were dealing with a prowler on the property of the trailer park we were staying in, drunkards, and crazy, schizophrenic trailer park managers with "Empty Nest" syndrome, who basically were trying to manipulate me into becoming their mini-mi, and wearing their clothes, while spreading rumors that I was a 15 year old run away,  and that Ogy was committing statutory rape. - For the record, I turn 26 this month. At the time, I found the accusations laughable, but looking back on it, it was downright chilling.

Ogy taught me how to knife fight, and on more than one occasion, we chased the pedophile prowler through the woods in the middle of the night, with swords and shotguns. It was a different reality- a reality where you had to fight to survive, a reality where I knew there was probably some pervert jacking off into the creek the neighbor kids swam in, either before or after he tried to snatch one of them through their windows at night. A place where if I went out at night alone, I knew I wasn't safe... a place where if someone wears a shirt without a bra, they're instantly labeled a "whore" ....a place where I always had to be on my guard with everything I said to anyone, the way I dressed, and how weak I let myself act when I was hungry or thirsty.

I had planned to go to Ogy to recharge after Phoenix.... to find myself, to gather my strength again....and to just be safe. I thought I was running away from the dark underbelly by leaving modeling behind, by going somewhere different. But I wasn't, and I didn't. It found me at every turn...and it was never out of the corner of my eye- it was already right in front of me.

I started talking to my spirits again...for some reason it seemed like my "hearing" was deafened in Phoenix. My senses felt shot there, useless. In the wilds of Pennsylvania, it felt clearer, despite the hardships, despite the fears. I felt like I was still missing a piece of the puzzle despite this.

I found myself in a situation where I was able to get ahold of some psilocybin mushrooms. Ogy had taken them before, and knew what to expect. I didn't. I'd listened to some Terrence McKenna, and that helped, but it still couldn't have prepared me for what happened.  Ogy and I ceremonially brewed some tea from them. We each asked the spirit within the fungi to aid us, to show us what we needed to see and to understand. We shared a mug of the brew, passing it back and forth between each other throughout the night.

I had never done psychadelics before. I'd smoked a little pot here and there to help with my aches and pains, but that had been the extent. It isn't for everyone, and I can definitely see how it could break a person, depending on their reception to the message they're given, the information they see. I'd attained similar states during sleep deprivation, deep trance work, and in the place between being awake and being asleep, so at least I had "something" to compare it to.

I can't speak of my entire experience, other than to say, that I learned what it means to be human. Without the trappings, without the externalized concepts, what humanity IS, beneath all of those layers that we put upon ourselves, and labels we try to fit ourselves to. I saw the milky way that night, in a splendor that I had never witnessed. I saw the beauty of every pen stroke, the very energy of intent that I put into a drawing or painting...and it was beautiful. I will never de-value myself or my art ever again by saying "eh, its just a crappy sketch, but thanks" whenever someone compliments my work. I know what I do is sacred, and that partaking of this essence is sacred...

But if the mushroom is abused, if you pervert the spirit of what it tries to show you... you will be pulled apart, and shown the universe inside out, you will be bitched at by the very fibers of the walls around you, and it will leave you feeling scared, and bewildered, praying for the sun to come up, instead of observing the universe in all of its splendor, beauty, and energy, and knowing your place within it. It's a delicate balance, and its one that can EASILY be tainted by your own fears, and preconceived notions of what IS.

I never saw any crazy visuals, no pretty lights or swirling colors. I was very much anchored in what was real, what was tangible. Colors were more vivid, but it was more that I became aware of a greater level of "contrast" than my eyes can normally see. It was to the point that I didn't need to use my glasses to see, a major portion of the time while I was "tripping" The universe was fascinating, and beautiful on all if its levels. What more did I need?

Will I do it again? Maybe. (I tried Amanita Muscaria just a few days ago. Very different experience, almost an opposite sort of consciousness from Psilocybin Cubensis.)But my main reason for refusing to use psychedelics in the past, is because its too often that they become a crutch. If I do, it'll be more out of a shamanic angle, but even then, it will be sparse. I've had the experience. Sure I could probably learn more, but what I "needed" was taken care of. I'll know when the time is right to go back to that current, and see what it has to teach me. It's definitely not now.

But what is it that matters in life? I used to think I knew. I used to think that I understood... but life is life. It's easy to say it just IS, but it's so much more than that. It's everything.

Sometime after all the worst had hit me, after Ogy was there for me without question... beyond....anything I could have asked of anyone, we proposed to each other in a round about sort of way, and knew beyond a doubt that we could care for each other through the thick and the thin, sickness and health, crazy landlords, lack of water, and vomit caked sheets. Because what matters goes beyond whether we have food or water, beyond whether we're sick or healthy...it has to do with experience, it has to do with the spark of life itself, and how we cherish it...not how we fight and struggle through it.

What matters is something that we search for, something that we often think we've found, and then find we haven't....because its always changing, just as we are always changing. What matters is what matters. Maybe that's all there is to it...and that's ok by me. Despite that, I'll never stop searching, and when I do, it'll be because that too doesn't matter anymore...and that's ok too. Because its beyond that, beyond words, maybe even beyond essence, because we can only know what we know we know.

I only know that I'm back in Washington, that I'm safe, that I'm loved, and that I'm alive...and right now that's what matters, despite the hardships that are just over the horizon.