Goodbye 2010

2011 is just around the corner, and in the last couple of weeks, some significant things have happened. Most of the year, was full of drama, financial problems, heart wrenching moments. These recent things however are good. I have a job again. It's a job that was willing to take me back after I hadn't worked there for a year and a half, and a job that went from being just holiday work, to actual lasting employment. I'm discovering how wonderful it is to have a job that actually cares about me again, and treats me like a human being. It'll pay rent, and take care of my basic needs, and won't overwhelm me with stress. Great, that's all I really need. I live pretty simply. I've got my studio apartment downtown that I share with the one I love, and my lizard.

I worked for a few months to try to find work, but when Mercury retrograde hit, things went pretty still. No matter how many rites I worked, or talismans I charged, work was slow in coming. I was still able to find gigs here and there that made ends meet (I tend to be very resourceful with finding one time jobs) and that's what saved us.

I won't really miss 2010. It was a year of struggles; fighting to keep my head, and my boyfriend's head above water. Things went awry left and right, and trust I had in certain people close to me was shattered beyond repair.

I've got plans for 2011. I've got things I'm going to fight for. I'm determined to make it a better year.

Offerings

You may remember when I started trying to work with Sekhmet. It was pointed out to me that one of the reasons why she may not have responded right away, was the quality of my offering. It wasn't something I had really considered before. With Anubis, he's practically right there when I call. But Erelin pointed out to me that an offering is meant to be something you put effort into getting for the spirit. I don't drink, so dipping into a rum bottle that had been sitting around forever, and pouring some for Sekhmet, isn't actually that great of an offering, considering I just walked into the kitchen to get it. It wasn't special, it was just something I had around.

With that in mind, I went the extra mile with getting the supplies for the offering to the Spirits of Venus. (and I'll do better for Sekhemet and go to some trouble to get something good for her next time I call) After a long day at work, instead of going home, I went to the nearest store for the herbs I needed for the incense offering, and selected the best looking red candle in the store. With that done, I hopped on the train home.

After getting home, I ate dinner, and made sure I was refreshed, I set up my altar, called the spirits, expressed my sincere apology to them, and made the offering. I lit the candle first. Then I lit the incense. The charcoal didn't want to light at first, but soon the wonderful smells of saffron, rose hips, and myrrh were coming from the censer. I don't think I'll ever use stick incense again. There is no comparison.

The entire candle was gone within an hour or two. By gone, I mean gone. The wax evaporated, leaving only a dime-sized bit of wax with a bit of burnt wick in it. I've never seen such a clean burn, and can only believe that the spirits accepted my offering. I felt the presence again, but this time it was much more subtle. 

So what have I learned from all of this? It's that offerings are indeed meant to have some effort put into them. Something you had "laying around" isn't the same as going out and getting something special. When you call a spirit, you are knocking on their door. When they open their door, do you really want to be the one standing there with something you had sitting around and didn't, need? Do you really think they're going to want to take whatever it was that you had sitting around? If they do, it'll be halfheartedly.  If you go out and get someone a gift, the response is much different!

An offering is a gift. It shows you care enough to go out and get something nice. This is especially important when you do the equivalent of knocking on a stranger's door, and tell them to keep their damn kids off your lawn, except they don't have any kids... well it sounded good in my head anyway.

Next time I knock on Sekhmet's door, or any other entity I'm trying to build a relationship with, I'll be sure to be there with something new, and worth putting a bow on.

Sometimes dreams are just dreams

When people start studying magic, one thing I see a lot is that people seem to get this idea in their head that every dream they have MUST be interpreted, because it obviously has some significant magical message, or is otherwise important.

My dreams are crazy. They're bright, loud, vibrant, and have a level of super-realism that challenges me to figure out I'm dreaming even when I'm semi-lucid. Yes, some of them are communications with Anubis, or premonitions of people I will meet, or situations I will be put into shortly.

If I took the bulk of my dreams even remotely literally, or to be more than just crazy brain-narratives from an eccentric mind, I'd have some serious issues though.

I am not capable of flight, I do not have wings. I am not a shapeshifter, or a non-human entity. (shamanic shape shifting doesn't count) I have not disemboweled demon dogs with my hands, nor will I ever meet the gargoyles from the Gargoyles tv show. I am not a chosen "anything" and any narrative where I am the center of some great destiny is just because I am the center of my personal universe. I have never been to Narnia, nor will I ever. The same goes for the Harry Potter universe, or the dream I had last night where Russia invaded California. It was incredibly vivid. Russia had suddenly devoured a portion of northern California, and that suddenly made Oregon into California. It made no sense. It was a nonsense narrative. They happen. Get over it.

No matter what your dreams tell you, you are not a special snowflake meant to save the world, or whatever. You are not the "chosen one" of some great destiny, and believing that you just need to wait for the "next step" to be revealed in your dreams to achieve greatness, is folly. Get up, live your life. Don't wait for your dreams to tell you what to do. If you have some options in front of you, but you aren't sure which one would be best, do a reading. Dust off those runes or tarot cards and get to work! Life, magic, it's all work. The trick of the magician to is to turn it into the Great Work. To do that, you can't sit and wait, you have to act. You have to do more than just dream. You have to do.

An apology in the making, and other news

After discussing the previous working and experiences with a friend, it became clear that I had wronged the "Spirits of Venus" and owed them an apology, as the source of my issues stemmed from somewhere else entirely.  As I found myself suddenly being overwhelmed by mundane things like working 10 hour days, I had been unable to collect the appropriate materials for an offering of incense. I did however purchase a large red candle to burn as a sort of two-pronged offering, and will be getting what I need for the incense in the next few days.

I found myself with the time and energy this evening to approach the "spirits" again, this time with a sincere heart-felt apology, and the candle offering. When I called and tried to light the candle, interestingly enough it didn't light at first. The flame flickered on the wick, and died, which I had never experienced before. This could also just be a product of whatever material the wick was made out of, and have absolutely nothing to do with a magical occurrence, but is interesting to note regardless.

Once the candle was lit, the flame danced merrily, and I had no further issues. Considering the size of the candle, and the late hour, I placed the candle inside of a metal can that I had used for storing some of my art supplies, and placed that in the bathtub, to be sure that I wouldn't light anything else on fire.

My communication with the spirits was again limited to feelings, and sensations, but this time the experiences were positive. The energy felt warm and welcoming, not like a hot fire, but more like the  feeling of relaxing in front of a warm fire in the middle of winter, being embraced by a good friend, or holding an armful of warm laundry fresh from the dryer. It was relaxing, it was friendly, and I understand now more than ever how wrong I was to accuse the spirits of this sphere for my problems.

I will be making an offering of incense as soon as I am able, and I hope that in the future I will have a good working relationship with the spirit or spirits that I wrongly accused previously.

In other news, the neighbor had been trying to get in touch with me again to borrow my book on runes. I also had some time to do that, after I got home from a nice Christmas dinner with friends. That led to us both pouring over the book a bit in his apartment, and trying to come up with a couple of bind runes to incorporate into talismans, since he liked the idea, but was lacking ideas on how to combine certain runes aesthetically. I came up with a couple of ideas which he seemed to like, and he's going to be studying my book to learn more, and create other designs for future use.

It looks like I may have met another magician in the building, or at least someone interested in the Magical Arts. Depending on how far he decides to take things, I might have someone living downstairs to talk shop with, as well as share art supplies with. At the very least, I've got a new friend :) and that's really what matters.

Lunar Eclipse

I sadly was unable to see the eclipse in my area, due to cloud cover. I did however do some deep contemplation and devoted some of my time to helping a newcomer to my apartment complex, and cleaned out some of my own apartment clutter as well!

It was a good feeling to be able to help him and myself. While I am unsure of his magicical involvement, he asked to borrow a book of mine so he could make a runic talisman for a friend as a Christmas gift. It was nice being able to help out and hopefully we'll become good friends.

Update

As of yet, I am still unsure as to whether or not the sudden appearance of my period is connected to the evocation. There are a couple reasons for this- one being that I am unsure whether the sudden start of my period is something that the spirits of Venus even have any control over. I've done some research, but that's the problem with the internet- I keep getting mixed information. Some places seem to say that the Moon rules over poor period health, while Venus is the opposite, and fixes menstrual cycles. Some places the Moon isn't even mentioned, and in some places they even say that Mars has a part in the feminine cycle because of the blood! (which I highly doubt)

Anyway, I'm also willing to say that this is some strange coincidence. As I'm not sure what particular spirits actually showed up, since I didn't use a seer, and since I currently lack the type of sight to have done more than "feel" the entity's presence. I'll probably do a reading on some of this once I'm feeling back up to par but for now, it's a mystery.

Possible Side Effect #1

I had no troublesome nightmares, or anything of the like. My sleep was even peaceful I'm thankful to say. However one unexpected side effect has occurred: I have gotten my period out of nowhere. It was well on its way by the time I woke up this morning, however I'm not in any of my usual cramp-tastic pain, and my skin is as clear as it has ever been. (my periods have always been preceded by at least a week's worth of acne, excessive tiredness at least three days before, and then proceeded by nasty cramps.)

So we'll see what happens next, if anything regarding last night's evocation.

Sometimes I'm stupid

Apologies for how long it's been since I last posted. I was without my laptop for about a week, due to it being in for repairs, and then I got hit by some kind of deadly plague.

I'm posting this now from my fixed up laptop, while I'm nice and snug under my blankets. I've got medicine, hot cocoa, and when Erelin gets back from the store I should have apples as well.

I did a number of things that are worth mentioning today. I cut my hair, so that it would be easier to keep clean, since I know that illness can live in your hair for a while, even with washing it. So I've gone from having really long hair, to having it be slightly longer than shoulder length. I'll probably go in and make it even shorter when I shape it. Being an artist, I also apparently have some skill with hair and a pair of scissors. Moving on to the more magical side of things though.....

I decided that it would be a good idea to do a purification bath. I gathered herbs for a tea bath,  and filled up the tub. I prayed over the herbs and the water, calling their spirits to cleanse me, and take the illness from my body. I lit some candles, and then once the tub was full, I did the LBRP.  Once everything was ready, I got into the tub.

I realized, once it was just me, the candles, and the dark bathroom, that despite the calm atmosphere, despite the LBRP and everything... I was having one of my fear episodes. I mentioned them briefly in one of my last posts. They used to be much worse, but thankfully a friend helped me out with that. They were gone for a while, but more recently my issues in that area have started coming back.

I realized that I was already doing some magic as it was, so why not just do something about it right then and there? So I did. I stood up in the tub, stared into the darkest  corners of the room, and called upon my inner demon, Fear, to come forth, and to heed my voice and my Will. I told it that by its name I had bound it, and by my Will I had tamed it. I went on a long spiel about how it would not control me, and how I would not fear the darkness or the unknown. I also explained to it, that I understood its function, that fear is a necessary part of existence, but I demanded that it not show itself without reason. No more interrupting my attempts to sleep, or filling me with terror of "something" that could be lurking in the shadows.

Then I did something else, and I freely admit that I think I may have stepped over the line  on this one. It was definitely done on a whim.
I was feeling pretty damn good about putting a reign on my inner demon, and decided to take things to another level. I had noticed that the times I had my serious episodes, corresponded with the day of Venus every time. So I did a very informal and sloppy evocation, my only ever serious evocation of an entity(s?) that I didn't have a working relationship with. I called upon the "Spirits of Venus" (sloppy, and I clearly wasn't thinking, but it was on impulse) to come forward and hear me. I respectfully, but forcefully said that I wasn't going to stand for being influenced in the ways that I had been.

This is where I really think I stepped over the line. I wasn't asking, I told, and now that I have a clear head, I'm not entirely sure WHICH spirits came forward.( Stupid, but whatever, it's over with, and we'll see what happens) I felt something, and I didn't really like it. There was a heaviness to the room, and I suddenly realized how quiet everything was. It was the sort of feeling you get when you just did something very stupid in front of a crowd of people, and they're all just staring at you. I acknowledged it, and apologized for any offense, however I was clear that I was making my Will known. Still the same feeling, and it was getting heavier. I gave the license to depart, and a sound to my right happened, and it appeared that something had rattled the shampoo bottles on the shelf. I again gave the license to depart, more forcefully, and being clear that whatever spirits were there were to leave peacefully and harm no creature on the way back to their realm.  I suddenly felt very drained, as if I was about to have trouble standing. I ignored it, and immediately began banishing. I felt suddenly invigorated, and the heaviness left at some point during the banishment.

By the time I was finished, I was exhausted. I have since regained some energy and grounded myself. I seem to be ok, and the bathroom is clear of any presence. Despite how stupid I realize the second half of my working was, I still did what I set out to do, and I didn't let any "fear" stop me. For this at least I am thankful, and I look forward to seeing if there are any noticeable results, good or bad for that matter. (though hopefully good)

Now I'm going to have some more hot chocolate and eat an apple.

Changing Themes

For years, one of the most powerful and terrifying imagery in my dreams was tornadoes. I've never been in a tornado, or been even close to one. I've also never lived in a part of the country where tornadoes typically happen. Despite this, for some reason they have stuck with me as a powerful symbol of the chaos and upheaval in my life, and my inability to cope with it in a healthy way. Yet earthquakes, which I have been in, have never really played a part in my dreams or nightmares at all. I suppose for this reason, I might also attribute tornadoes for me, as a fear of the unknown.

I have a very active dream-life, and lately tornadoes have been showing up a lot. This is no surprise considering my current lack of a job that will adequately support me, and the looming possibility of having to break my apartment lease, and move into unknown and mostly uncharted territory. Even though I have a lot of fear in my life right now, even though things are completely unpredictable at this point, the way my dream-self has begun dealing with tornadoes is huge.

The other night, I had a dream where a powerful magic-user was after me for whatever reason. He was powerful, unrelenting, and had allies. I was alone in being able to fight him and the others. But it was four to one, and I had to resort to drastic measures. I summoned a tornado to shake the building I was in to its foundations, and drive my pursuers from my doorstep. As I stood there and the wind howled and screamed, I knew I was somehow safe, that the tornado wouldn't hurt me. I had mastered it. It was mine.

Another dream later in the week also had tornadoes. I was trying to guide myself and others through a perilous landscape and tornadoes kept rising. I raised my hand and stilled them. They were tamed, just like that. There was never even a question, never even a possibility that my power couldn't overcome them.

Unless you knew me when I was younger, when a tornado for me always meant a terrifying wake up-with-your-heart-pounding-sweat-pouring nightmare, this may not seem like a very big deal. But I can't begin to fathom what this means in its entirety. What I do know, is that this means that even if only on a subconscious level,  I'm growing into someone who doesn't let fear control her.

I have to wonder if this is related to another thing regarding fear that I've been dealing with. Off and on for the past couple of months, I've been waking up from dreams in the middle of the night (that weren't scary at all) I then discover that when I try to go back to sleep, I have this uneasy feeling that something is there, that I'm somehow in danger. The interesting bit, is that it's like I'm somehow still asleep when this happens. There's this haze.... that seems to separate the rational part of my mind from this other part of my mind which is telling me that anything is possible, that I'm in danger.

This mainly focuses on mundane dangers: "someone could be about to break in!" is a common one. Sometimes it's bad enough that my mind jumps to supernatural possibilities "something could walk through that walk and attack you!" weirder things have happened, but I was always able to deal. I'm still here. I try to rationalize with this part of myself that's stuck on the other side of the haze, but it doesn't work. I can't seem to ground myself when this happens. My rational mind always wins out- I don't know the reason for one part of my mind going "danger danger danger!" but I'm able to go "whatever" and get on with my life. I always wake up and stay up for a bit before I get back to sleep, but I'm always able to after an hour or two. It takes nearly that long to get that other part of myself back to reality.

On a hunch, I started keeping a journal when this happened. I calculate the astrological day and hour, and so far it's always been on the Night of Venus. So far, it's happened during the hour of Moon, and the hour of Mars. I think this may have something to do with what's happening, but why it is, is another thing entirely. Either way, this is a way I've been able to observe and take action regarding these "fear episodes" when they happen. This is also a big reason why I've begun establishing a bond to Sekhmet. As she is a very powerful and solar deity. The sun is the light of Tiphareth, and so banishes the darkness of irrational fear, and low-vibration entities that could be spawned from this.

It could be that in these ways, I'm taking control of myself, and my fear of the unknown in a way that seriously impacts how I see myself able to cope with it. If this is true, it would explain why I've been having dreams of controlling the tornadoes that arise, and seeing them as a something to be respected, but not as a source of fear.

More Gematria and sigil headscratching

So, it's 4:30 in the morning and I can't seem to get back to sleep. My current resources are limited, and even the internet doesn't seem to be giving me any answers to the questions I'm asking.


My question is this: Why are some names of entities shortened? To give an example of what is bugging me, I'll use Hismael again.


According to the research I've done, the hebrew for Hismael should be   
היסמאהל


However, it's been shortened to

הסמאל

So, the question is why? A quick check shows that when each is transformed into a sigil on the kamea of Jupiter, the sigils are clearly different in a fundamental way. I mean, yes, the longer version is really complex and kind of messy when you draw it out...but since when has that stopped someone from using a sigil? So are both sigils equally accurate, despite different values (HSMAL being 136, and HISMAEL being 151) and design, and it's merely aesthetics that dictates which version has survived the ravages of time? Or have I run into a blind that someone designed, and only one design is right? 

I keep looking around, but can't seem to find the answer. Does anyone out there have an answer for me?

A rant, and some thoughts on Gematria

 I picked up a book on amulets and talismans recently, and I've been reading through it. A vast portion of it makes extraordinary and unsupported historical claims (such as magic being in use by ancient peoples who decided it didn't always work, so turned their ways to worshiping gods after they already had magic and rituals.) and the author herself makes glaring contradictions in what she seems to believe. Not to mention the fluffy new agey trend of tying crystal power to some ancient Atlantian power. But apparently some people need confirmation from fantasy stories to confirm that their magic is real, and to sell their books. (no offense to you Chaotes out there who use fictional elements in your magic :) 

There were however some gems in the book that I didn't expect to find. There was a  section on kameas (magic squares) and even a section on how to derive sigils from names. This section referenced another section of the book, which led me to begin studying Gematria, and how it can be used to create sigils.

To make sure I understood the process I took Hismael's name and sigil, and then translated Hismael's name into Hebrew letters. Once I got to work,  Hismael quickly became HSMAL. To be sure that I had translated it correctly, I placed it over the kamea of Jupiter, and traced it out. This gave me much more information on how Hebrew actually works. Just when I thought I had it down, I decided to give Yophiel a try. I think I was correct on Y=I in Hebrew, but going much beyond that, it fell apart pretty quickly. That's what happens when you sit down, and try to teach yourself how the Hebrew letters work I suppose :) Either way, this has definitely lead to a greater interest in learning more Hebrew, and studying Gematria, and how to work with talismans and kameas.

Sadly I can't do that with my current collection of books. The good news is that my dear friend Conjureman Ali suggested a book that I can use for that :) So soon I'll be picking up a copy of Making Talismans: Living Entities of Power, by Nick Farell. 

I also have a couple of projects in mind that I'll likely post about later.