Sometimes I'm stupid

Apologies for how long it's been since I last posted. I was without my laptop for about a week, due to it being in for repairs, and then I got hit by some kind of deadly plague.

I'm posting this now from my fixed up laptop, while I'm nice and snug under my blankets. I've got medicine, hot cocoa, and when Erelin gets back from the store I should have apples as well.

I did a number of things that are worth mentioning today. I cut my hair, so that it would be easier to keep clean, since I know that illness can live in your hair for a while, even with washing it. So I've gone from having really long hair, to having it be slightly longer than shoulder length. I'll probably go in and make it even shorter when I shape it. Being an artist, I also apparently have some skill with hair and a pair of scissors. Moving on to the more magical side of things though.....

I decided that it would be a good idea to do a purification bath. I gathered herbs for a tea bath,  and filled up the tub. I prayed over the herbs and the water, calling their spirits to cleanse me, and take the illness from my body. I lit some candles, and then once the tub was full, I did the LBRP.  Once everything was ready, I got into the tub.

I realized, once it was just me, the candles, and the dark bathroom, that despite the calm atmosphere, despite the LBRP and everything... I was having one of my fear episodes. I mentioned them briefly in one of my last posts. They used to be much worse, but thankfully a friend helped me out with that. They were gone for a while, but more recently my issues in that area have started coming back.

I realized that I was already doing some magic as it was, so why not just do something about it right then and there? So I did. I stood up in the tub, stared into the darkest  corners of the room, and called upon my inner demon, Fear, to come forth, and to heed my voice and my Will. I told it that by its name I had bound it, and by my Will I had tamed it. I went on a long spiel about how it would not control me, and how I would not fear the darkness or the unknown. I also explained to it, that I understood its function, that fear is a necessary part of existence, but I demanded that it not show itself without reason. No more interrupting my attempts to sleep, or filling me with terror of "something" that could be lurking in the shadows.

Then I did something else, and I freely admit that I think I may have stepped over the line  on this one. It was definitely done on a whim.
I was feeling pretty damn good about putting a reign on my inner demon, and decided to take things to another level. I had noticed that the times I had my serious episodes, corresponded with the day of Venus every time. So I did a very informal and sloppy evocation, my only ever serious evocation of an entity(s?) that I didn't have a working relationship with. I called upon the "Spirits of Venus" (sloppy, and I clearly wasn't thinking, but it was on impulse) to come forward and hear me. I respectfully, but forcefully said that I wasn't going to stand for being influenced in the ways that I had been.

This is where I really think I stepped over the line. I wasn't asking, I told, and now that I have a clear head, I'm not entirely sure WHICH spirits came forward.( Stupid, but whatever, it's over with, and we'll see what happens) I felt something, and I didn't really like it. There was a heaviness to the room, and I suddenly realized how quiet everything was. It was the sort of feeling you get when you just did something very stupid in front of a crowd of people, and they're all just staring at you. I acknowledged it, and apologized for any offense, however I was clear that I was making my Will known. Still the same feeling, and it was getting heavier. I gave the license to depart, and a sound to my right happened, and it appeared that something had rattled the shampoo bottles on the shelf. I again gave the license to depart, more forcefully, and being clear that whatever spirits were there were to leave peacefully and harm no creature on the way back to their realm.  I suddenly felt very drained, as if I was about to have trouble standing. I ignored it, and immediately began banishing. I felt suddenly invigorated, and the heaviness left at some point during the banishment.

By the time I was finished, I was exhausted. I have since regained some energy and grounded myself. I seem to be ok, and the bathroom is clear of any presence. Despite how stupid I realize the second half of my working was, I still did what I set out to do, and I didn't let any "fear" stop me. For this at least I am thankful, and I look forward to seeing if there are any noticeable results, good or bad for that matter. (though hopefully good)

Now I'm going to have some more hot chocolate and eat an apple.